Mind wanders with aimless thoughts that keep me up at night. Heart beat irregularly fast for a Sunday night. And all I can think about is all that I can't do anything about. She smiles at you and you look away. The taste of his lips burns into my mind but is never quite enough. I don't want it but I want him to want it. To want me. But where does it go from here. Where does it end ever. Feeling too old but truly being too young to worry. They say not to take for granted what you have but what if what you have isn't what you want. Or need. How do you ever know if it's right. Is there really a right or wrong person for you or is the media and society just putting these images in front of your mind so that you're always searching and wanting and wishing for something more meanwhile never finding just exactly what that is so you put time and effort and money into things you don't want or need. They're stealing it from you. Giving you an idea, a concept of love that may not be real or may not exist and then you're alone. Always alone. Always searching.
And then there are those who have found the true meaning of love and what it's supposed to do and feel like. They feel the warm embrace of their imperfectly perfect other half day by day night by night lying beside each other knowing in their hearts that everything is going to be okay. No matter what job they have, car they drive, clothes they wear, none of if matters because they have the only person in the world who could ever complete them so wholly.
What about them.
Are they just the lucky few. The lucky few that didn't have to look far outside their doorstep to find that love and find it with someone who shares that same love with them. Are they the exception to this rule that true love is just a fantasy. Tell me then the secret to it. Please tell me because I don't wanna hurt or be hurt over and over again for the rest of my life searching for the one who is supposed to be there with me following our goals and dreams. Because then there are people like me.
Unrequited love is worse than any tragedy or war that could ensue in a lifetime. It's staying up late at night talking for hours telling your deepest darkest secrets in a whisper behind closed doors so that no one ever knows that you're giving that much of yourself to a practical stranger. Meanwhile the feelings are mutual and you get so comfortable and reliant on each other that you start to lose part of yourself and lose other people in your life along the way but that's okay because it's worth it. Everything is worth it for love.
But then one day you wake up and realize that you've only just been too reliant on this other person whom you love and cherish and would never in your life want to hurt. You lay awake at night wondering why your feelings have changed, why you have changed. How at one point in your life you see the rest of your life with that person and the next you see yourself walking alone on that journey. How is that fair. How do you explain that to someone who still sees you as the person to walk down the path of life with and get married and make babies and be happy together. Explain to me how that's fair. When all you wanna do is go back in time and remember why you felt all those things that you did so that maybe you can get those feelings back inside you like you could grab them and carry them into the future. But you can't. I can't.
And then you're a terrible person for doing it and all those connections you made over the past few years are shattered with one sentence.
And then you're forced with the choice of picking your happiness over theirs and your parents raised you to be selfless and always help others so part of you tries, tries to do the right thing but what is the right thing to do. I don't know.
I don't know I don't know I don't know. I don't know why this happened. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I want to or not. I don't know. That's all I can say because it's all I can think.
So what do you do. What do I do.
I don't know.
