Don't Forget to Remember

I have two things to talk about today. 

First. 

I was reminded of something today. I read something that someone said about if you repeat something over and over again it loses it's meaning. And then I think about all of the things that I do in my every day life and when I first started doing them they were so exciting. I'm even thinking back to when I first started getting to pick out what clothes I wore for the day. How happy I was when I got to do that, when I got the freedom to choose what I wanted to wear. Now most every day it's yoga pants or leggings because I've grown lazier and lazier about what I wear to school. But I don't even think about that any more. And no offense mom, but I don't know that Id want you picking out my clothes for school every day! 

And although that is just a simple freedom, it lost its meaning to me because I do it so often. 

And even now, after living on my own (outside of a dorm) it's only been almost 8 months and I don't even think about it anymore. At first it was so exciting, it was like I was having a sleepover every night at someone else's place, but now it's just "eh". I mean I don't even think about it. 

And I don't want the small things AND the big things to become meaningless to me. A way I have been trying to be grateful for all of the small and big things in my life is thanking God for them every single night and asking for forgiveness when I do take things for granted. 

I don't want to wake up one day and get a morning kiss and think nothing of it. Because maybe one day I won't have that luxury. One day I won't even get the luxury of waking up. And that's inevitable. I was actually just thinking about that the other night amongst my late night thoughts. Of what it would be like if I didn't get to wake up tomorrow, if that day was my last day. Would I be okay with that? Will I have done everything that I wanted? 

I really take to heart the saying "what if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday" and I do thank him. Every day. 

But I still don't want things to lose their meanings to me. I want everyday to be like the first day I moved out on my own. 

I want every dinner I cook to be like the first one I got to (HA just kidding none of us want my first meal I ever cooked) 

I want every kiss to feel like the first. 

And everyone probably thinks something like this at some point in our lives but then it becomes distant like a lot of those New Years resolutions we make every year. 

But maybe it doesn't have to be. 

It only takes a second or two to think about how wonderful something is. 

Or even those things that aren't so wonderful anymore like deciding what to wear. You could think about how happy you are to get to choose to wear yoga pants when your mom might have wanted you to wear a dress or something uncomfortable. 

It's not going to be every single thing I do every single day. But a few things I do every single day. The important things that might not always seem that important. 

Nothing is forever. 

Second. 

Speaking of taking things for granted. It doesn't occur to me every time I think about the future how lucky I am. 

When I think about who I'm going to marry I don't have to worry about where I am ALLOWED to get married or difficulties I might have to go through. I think about what my dress will look like and who is on the invited list and which crazy family members who need to be monitored by the bar. 

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I'm not saying that you have to support gays and lesbians. It's your choice on how you feel. But how unhappy would you be if you couldn't be joined for life with the one you love because of how people felt about your spouse choice? 

We live in the most free and forgiving place. It may not always seem that way, and in some ways it actually isn't that way. But why when we have so many controlled things already, control something that we can choose to free? 

I know it's frustrating when people don't feel the same way that you do, but that doesn't make it fair to take something away from them. At least in this case. It's frustrating for me too, because I always try to see both sides of a story but I really feel that people are just preventing others from being happy when it hardly involves them at all. 

We're all people. We all have feelings. Take others into consideration. And be grateful for what you have. 

What I want to be when I grow up

I feel like every time I'm writing in my blog now it's about change and uncertainties and certainties and things along those lines. But I feel like at this point in a persons life you are already going through so many changes physically and mentally. I mean, sure, there are things that I know are solid, like family and friends. I know that when I come out of college it's going to be with SOMETHING. I just don't know what. When I was five I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was in middle school I wanted to play beach volleyball. When I was in high school I wanted to be in high school for the rest of my life. At the end of high school I wanted to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. At the beginning of this year I wanted to be a writer (that never went away but I didn't think I was a good enough one). At the end of last semester I was going to be an English major and then maybe be a teacher afterwards. Then I wanted to just be an English teacher. Now once again I don't know. I did some teacher shadowing and I liked the look of it but I don't know if I want to do the same thing over and over again. I would love to be a journalist but I just don't know if my writing is quality enough or if it will ever get to that point. And at the end of this semester is when I'm supposed to be declaring my major and I don't even know what I'm going to do. I think I'm just afraid of making a final decision because, well, it's final. I know I need to decide. But I'm encountering that question in my life once again: what do I want to be when I grow up? I know things that I want. Like a family, children, I want to be able to have time with my family and not have to always choose work over family. I don't care about being rich but I want a stable life. I wish they paid you to be a soccer mom! (Although I don't like soccer, I'm thinking more like baseball-football-basketball in the case of boys). That would be ideal. But I hear that the whole mom business costs more than it pays (financially of course). In love and happiness being a mom I'm sure definitely pays more. 

I know I can't just be a professional student either. As much as I love constant stress from studying and homework. That costs too much to be worth it. So I don't exactly have the time to be one of those. 

What am I good at? What do I like to do? 

I like to be outdoors. I like kids. I like reading and writing. I like meeting new people my age. 

What am I good at? Rambling on in my blogs. I'm good at reading and researching (if some girl starts talking to my boyfriend you bet your ass I can find out who she is what she does if she's single where she's from, etc). So maybe I could be a good journalist. I don't know?!!! I'm so lost and stressed because if I don't want to be a teacher, well I'd still have many classes to take for it but I will also be behind in com classes for journalism. Lets just say that I'm definitely not finishing in four years. Jeez. What the heck am I going to do?! I know that I'll never be a Shakespearian researcher. I'm done with that guy. Yikes. 

It's frustrating. I know I don't want to work a minimum wage job. I'm not good at the one I had haha. 

God. I thought I had it all figured out for a solid two months. How comforting was that? But at least I got a taste of what it's like before I got too deep into it. But the question still remains: what do I want to be when I grow up? 

I wish someone had the answers for me. But no one does. Not even me. 

And it's frustrating but I know that things have a way of falling into place. But I also know that I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I need to make choices that will affect my life. 

And therein lies the problem. I don't want to have a career that I don't love or at least enjoy. 

But I don't know what I'm good at AND would enjoy. 

So many questions and decisions to answer and make. 

And I might be making a huge decision at the end of this year which in itself would be changing my life drastically. 

So I guess we will just see what happens. 

I know big changes are about to happen so all I can do is just learn to embrace and accept them and make the most of whoever I'm with and whatever I'm doing and be happy. 

Free Falling

How funny life is. One moment you think you have everything planned out exactly as you expect it to go, and the next, you have no idea what you're going to do, where you're going to go, or what will happen to your future. You don't even know enough to make any concrete plans of any kind. One day, one decision, or even one person can turn your whole world around. It's almost as though you're on the roller coaster ride of your life but there aren't just the ups and downs, at this point you've completely derailed the track. You see the tracks on the other side but you don't know if you'll make it or how to even attempt getting there. You still see the future you want, but the path to get there has changed. It has changed by a combination of fate, decision, and that faith that you can't see or touch but can feel and trust in your heart. People will question your decisions your judgement, that faith that you have. At times you may even second guess yourself. But then you remember why you made the choice to believe in something beyond yourself and to have faith in something that questioned everything you had known up until that point. You realize that no matter what happens, no matter what path or track you get on, there are two seats in that cart for a reason. You're not doing it alone. That faith you have is in someONE not something. And not only that, there are those carts behind you filled with family and friends that support your every decision regardless of how crazy or reckless it might be. They're in your life for the long haul. So, as scary as it may be, as uncertain as you are, hang on tight or throw your hands in the air, because either way you're gonna keep going and you're gonna get there one way or another. It might be a bumpy ride, but it'll be new and fun and maybe the best experience and decision you've ever made. You won't know till you get there but the trip is the exciting part. 

So I'm off the tracks, if you're with me or if you're not. One hand in the air and one hand in his. Don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. But I have faith, love, and support and that's all I'll ever need.