I have so many thoughts going through my mind that it is actually physically and mentally tasking to try to put them together in coherent thoughts that would make sense to someone else. And I don't know why this is.
What has really been on my mind lately has...well it's been a million different things. Between starting a new school year and Miley Cyrus going bat shit crazy on us. I'm just not sure what to think. But does it matter? Are my thoughts being kept inside my head really doing me or anyone else any good? I know it's not doing me any good because its clouding my mind when I should be focused on school I suppose.
What's on my mind right now is the idea of want versus need. I sit and watch a show and feel bad because some kid is being made fun of for how corpulent he is. Or another kid has to steal or sell drugs just to put food on the table and keep the electricity on. I tell myself, it's just a show Sydney, to try to make myself feel better and not want to cry about it. Not like crying would do any good anyways.
And then it hits me. Obviously there are people out there with real problems like not having money for the bills or being bullied at school. And what can I do about it? I can't give them all of my money (which isn't much) because then I would be in the same predicament. I could stop bullying that I am personally confronted by but I can't stop it in the hundreds of thousands of other places where it's going on. There are so many things that I can't do about any of it. Sure there are little things I could do. Help build houses for the people in need. Start charities for people in need. But there's still always going to be more. And I know that's not the point but I let it be the point. And I think, but if I go do all of those things who is going to be the person to teach growing children about Emerson and Bronté and Shakespeare? I want to be that person.
Now don't even get me started on the "I wants". With all of this going through my head you would think I would tell myself, Syd, you can do without those new shoes you really don't need them. Yeah, that sweater is gorgeous but you already have sweaters at home. You really don't have to use gas and money and go fishing when you don't even like to eat fish and you have food at home. SO MANY THINGS that I do that I don't need to do or buy that I don't need to buy. And I tell myself this and I think about it all the time. Yet no matter how much I think about it consciously, I still do these things. I mean I'm not a shopaholic and go crazy or anything. I probably take a lot less of things I want vs need than other people do. Yet I still feel so crumby about it. I know it's probably some human gene that makes us grow needier and needier, or something psychologically that makes us want more, more, more. But I genuinely feel sick about it sometimes. All of the things we waste and buy that are unneeded. And I feel sick that I contribute to that. And I feel sick that I don't stop myself. And I feel sick that I won't stop myself because its going to keep happening. I should feel a little proud that I don't waste all that much. But that's probably because I don't have all that much to waste. I have less things to take for granted. If I had more of it, who knows I probably would take more and more than I need. And what sucks is that I'm saying all of this tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to wake up and it'll be like nothing ever happened. Why? I don't know. I'm selfish I guess. We're all selfish in one way or another or multiple ways. I just hope we can stop being selfish before its too late.
I have to believe that at some point we will stop it otherwise this world is going to succumb into its own selfishness.
And I have a feeling it will be the latter, unfortunately.
I do not have a lot to offer this world in terms of tangible things of value. But I hope that one day I can offer it something far more valuable than money or material things. Something intangible. It may take me years and years to be able to do so. But as long as I can give one person the wisdom, change one person for the better, then and only then will this world be a better place because of me. Right now all I'm doing is taking everything I can. Taking in all of the knowledge that my mind can hold. And eventually I'll construct that into something much more powerful.
That is the best I can hope for. I am here for a purpose and I know it's not to buy the latest accessories but I intend to find out what it is (and I'll probably take some unnecessary things along the way, might as well try to have fun while I'm at it).
That is what I want AND what I need to do.
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