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It is an unfortunate state of mind to be in as one of uncertainty. You think you know one day and the next you don't. It goes back and forth like that for months but what can come of it? If you don't know what you want you cannot expect others to try to figure it out for you. Even God himself has a plan for you yet cannot be responsible all the time for knowing what you want, especially if you don't even know. 

I want a real love. A great love. I want to be head over heels, crazy about someone. I want to share all of my deepest secrets and share some amazing intellectual connection and new experiences together. I want an imperfectly perfect love. I'm truly a hopeless romantic on most days. And  on most days I think a love like this can happen. But I can't have that. Why you may ask. Because there was a point where I thought I found it. Was so sure of it for a period of time. And for that period of time it was great. How wrong I was. How did I get it so wrong? How could I be so unbelievably blind for so long? 

I just don't understand how a person could go that length of time thinking that they are with the right person and be utterly and completely wrong. And why it took so long to realize it. Where were those supposed signs to know that somewhere along the lines this isn't right for me?

So why in the world would I ever want to put myself through that again? Because what if I thought I was with the right person again but it took 10 years instead of 2 to realize it? What then? How does one ever even know when they're with "the one"? People say "Oh you'll just know". Well that's some bs because I thought I "knew" but I've never been more wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't experience good things and didn't learn from it, but I was most certainly wrong in my thinking. So how can I ever trust my instincts, intuition, gut, heart, head, any of it to tell me when I'm with the one? Maybe I'm one of those people that doesn't have the one out there for them. I don't like being alone so that would be hard for me. Maybe that's the lesson I need to learn. To like being alone. I'm good at being alone but I don't like it. 

And it doesn't even matter now if there is the right one out there for me because I'll likely not ever let myself get to that point to even begin finding out. My heart is too guarded. So "the one" could be walking by me but I push them away because I don't trust myself or anyone else when it comes to my heart anymore. And that is such an unfortunate thing. It really is. Because I want to experience that. That's the hardest thing. I want it so bad. People may think it's crazy, not being long from a previous relationship yet still wanting to be in love. Well no I don't want to be in that same relationship because it wasn't right. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Being single has its perks but what could be better than being with someone you love and/or are in love with? What is truly better than love?

Again, it doesn't matter now though because all the hope there is really gone because how do you get over not trusting yourself? You can work to have someone gain trust back from you if they've lost it but how do you gain trust back from yourself and your heart?

It's not like this is a new concept. It's not like I'm the only person to ever get love wrong and no longer trust themselves to get it right again. But no matter how many times it happens to how many different people it's still different for every person. We each have all of the other individual experiences and knowledge that play a part in it. 

And what's the point of even saying this if no one can ever understand your individual experience? Well for one, this blog is for myself, not anyone else. I don't expect people to read it I just post it because I can. 

But how do you overcome something like this? I know there are so many other hardships in life that one can go through and that each one is so significant to each person it affects. However, not a lot is worse than not being able to love or let love into your life. Or not trusting your own self to love. I haven't even thought about trusting someone else to love me. Because that's an entirely different risk to be taking, but to even get to that point you have to be able to allow that love into your life. 

So what now? 

Well I don't have an answer for anyone who is/has experienced something like this, nor an answer for myself. 

It's just an awful thing. 

Love can be the greatest and worst feeling in the world.