Don't Forget to Remember

I have two things to talk about today. 

First. 

I was reminded of something today. I read something that someone said about if you repeat something over and over again it loses it's meaning. And then I think about all of the things that I do in my every day life and when I first started doing them they were so exciting. I'm even thinking back to when I first started getting to pick out what clothes I wore for the day. How happy I was when I got to do that, when I got the freedom to choose what I wanted to wear. Now most every day it's yoga pants or leggings because I've grown lazier and lazier about what I wear to school. But I don't even think about that any more. And no offense mom, but I don't know that Id want you picking out my clothes for school every day! 

And although that is just a simple freedom, it lost its meaning to me because I do it so often. 

And even now, after living on my own (outside of a dorm) it's only been almost 8 months and I don't even think about it anymore. At first it was so exciting, it was like I was having a sleepover every night at someone else's place, but now it's just "eh". I mean I don't even think about it. 

And I don't want the small things AND the big things to become meaningless to me. A way I have been trying to be grateful for all of the small and big things in my life is thanking God for them every single night and asking for forgiveness when I do take things for granted. 

I don't want to wake up one day and get a morning kiss and think nothing of it. Because maybe one day I won't have that luxury. One day I won't even get the luxury of waking up. And that's inevitable. I was actually just thinking about that the other night amongst my late night thoughts. Of what it would be like if I didn't get to wake up tomorrow, if that day was my last day. Would I be okay with that? Will I have done everything that I wanted? 

I really take to heart the saying "what if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday" and I do thank him. Every day. 

But I still don't want things to lose their meanings to me. I want everyday to be like the first day I moved out on my own. 

I want every dinner I cook to be like the first one I got to (HA just kidding none of us want my first meal I ever cooked) 

I want every kiss to feel like the first. 

And everyone probably thinks something like this at some point in our lives but then it becomes distant like a lot of those New Years resolutions we make every year. 

But maybe it doesn't have to be. 

It only takes a second or two to think about how wonderful something is. 

Or even those things that aren't so wonderful anymore like deciding what to wear. You could think about how happy you are to get to choose to wear yoga pants when your mom might have wanted you to wear a dress or something uncomfortable. 

It's not going to be every single thing I do every single day. But a few things I do every single day. The important things that might not always seem that important. 

Nothing is forever. 

Second. 

Speaking of taking things for granted. It doesn't occur to me every time I think about the future how lucky I am. 

When I think about who I'm going to marry I don't have to worry about where I am ALLOWED to get married or difficulties I might have to go through. I think about what my dress will look like and who is on the invited list and which crazy family members who need to be monitored by the bar. 

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I'm not saying that you have to support gays and lesbians. It's your choice on how you feel. But how unhappy would you be if you couldn't be joined for life with the one you love because of how people felt about your spouse choice? 

We live in the most free and forgiving place. It may not always seem that way, and in some ways it actually isn't that way. But why when we have so many controlled things already, control something that we can choose to free? 

I know it's frustrating when people don't feel the same way that you do, but that doesn't make it fair to take something away from them. At least in this case. It's frustrating for me too, because I always try to see both sides of a story but I really feel that people are just preventing others from being happy when it hardly involves them at all. 

We're all people. We all have feelings. Take others into consideration. And be grateful for what you have. 

What I want to be when I grow up

I feel like every time I'm writing in my blog now it's about change and uncertainties and certainties and things along those lines. But I feel like at this point in a persons life you are already going through so many changes physically and mentally. I mean, sure, there are things that I know are solid, like family and friends. I know that when I come out of college it's going to be with SOMETHING. I just don't know what. When I was five I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was in middle school I wanted to play beach volleyball. When I was in high school I wanted to be in high school for the rest of my life. At the end of high school I wanted to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. At the beginning of this year I wanted to be a writer (that never went away but I didn't think I was a good enough one). At the end of last semester I was going to be an English major and then maybe be a teacher afterwards. Then I wanted to just be an English teacher. Now once again I don't know. I did some teacher shadowing and I liked the look of it but I don't know if I want to do the same thing over and over again. I would love to be a journalist but I just don't know if my writing is quality enough or if it will ever get to that point. And at the end of this semester is when I'm supposed to be declaring my major and I don't even know what I'm going to do. I think I'm just afraid of making a final decision because, well, it's final. I know I need to decide. But I'm encountering that question in my life once again: what do I want to be when I grow up? I know things that I want. Like a family, children, I want to be able to have time with my family and not have to always choose work over family. I don't care about being rich but I want a stable life. I wish they paid you to be a soccer mom! (Although I don't like soccer, I'm thinking more like baseball-football-basketball in the case of boys). That would be ideal. But I hear that the whole mom business costs more than it pays (financially of course). In love and happiness being a mom I'm sure definitely pays more. 

I know I can't just be a professional student either. As much as I love constant stress from studying and homework. That costs too much to be worth it. So I don't exactly have the time to be one of those. 

What am I good at? What do I like to do? 

I like to be outdoors. I like kids. I like reading and writing. I like meeting new people my age. 

What am I good at? Rambling on in my blogs. I'm good at reading and researching (if some girl starts talking to my boyfriend you bet your ass I can find out who she is what she does if she's single where she's from, etc). So maybe I could be a good journalist. I don't know?!!! I'm so lost and stressed because if I don't want to be a teacher, well I'd still have many classes to take for it but I will also be behind in com classes for journalism. Lets just say that I'm definitely not finishing in four years. Jeez. What the heck am I going to do?! I know that I'll never be a Shakespearian researcher. I'm done with that guy. Yikes. 

It's frustrating. I know I don't want to work a minimum wage job. I'm not good at the one I had haha. 

God. I thought I had it all figured out for a solid two months. How comforting was that? But at least I got a taste of what it's like before I got too deep into it. But the question still remains: what do I want to be when I grow up? 

I wish someone had the answers for me. But no one does. Not even me. 

And it's frustrating but I know that things have a way of falling into place. But I also know that I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I need to make choices that will affect my life. 

And therein lies the problem. I don't want to have a career that I don't love or at least enjoy. 

But I don't know what I'm good at AND would enjoy. 

So many questions and decisions to answer and make. 

And I might be making a huge decision at the end of this year which in itself would be changing my life drastically. 

So I guess we will just see what happens. 

I know big changes are about to happen so all I can do is just learn to embrace and accept them and make the most of whoever I'm with and whatever I'm doing and be happy. 

Free Falling

How funny life is. One moment you think you have everything planned out exactly as you expect it to go, and the next, you have no idea what you're going to do, where you're going to go, or what will happen to your future. You don't even know enough to make any concrete plans of any kind. One day, one decision, or even one person can turn your whole world around. It's almost as though you're on the roller coaster ride of your life but there aren't just the ups and downs, at this point you've completely derailed the track. You see the tracks on the other side but you don't know if you'll make it or how to even attempt getting there. You still see the future you want, but the path to get there has changed. It has changed by a combination of fate, decision, and that faith that you can't see or touch but can feel and trust in your heart. People will question your decisions your judgement, that faith that you have. At times you may even second guess yourself. But then you remember why you made the choice to believe in something beyond yourself and to have faith in something that questioned everything you had known up until that point. You realize that no matter what happens, no matter what path or track you get on, there are two seats in that cart for a reason. You're not doing it alone. That faith you have is in someONE not something. And not only that, there are those carts behind you filled with family and friends that support your every decision regardless of how crazy or reckless it might be. They're in your life for the long haul. So, as scary as it may be, as uncertain as you are, hang on tight or throw your hands in the air, because either way you're gonna keep going and you're gonna get there one way or another. It might be a bumpy ride, but it'll be new and fun and maybe the best experience and decision you've ever made. You won't know till you get there but the trip is the exciting part. 

So I'm off the tracks, if you're with me or if you're not. One hand in the air and one hand in his. Don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. But I have faith, love, and support and that's all I'll ever need. 

Here I Go

I'm sorry if I've offended. It's not you but it's me. It seems I'm better off. I'm a better person you see. We had our fun. We spent some time. You say, get on with this stupid rhyme. You have changed and so have I. I'm not here to please. I asked God to please rid me of my enemies. And then I started losing friends. I will pick up the pieces and move on with my life, as should you. It may be better off this way. You influence me poorly. And then I treat you poorly. We're no good together you see? We were thrown together with vodka and loss. I'm not yours to boss around. I have my own life to live. We must be the change we want to see in our lives. I see a change, so I'm changing myself. If you don't fit it's not my fault. Maybe this is blunt, but I'm not rolling any. You are. I'm better off without. Without this without that. Without you? I guess we'll find out. This is no joke. This is no pun. This game were playing, I'm done. Your words are simply a reflection of what you see not just me. You say, step into my shoes, but have you of mine? I do not think so. So judge not unless you plan to be the image of perfection for the rest of your life. Now here I go to live mine. 

Days Like These

So this one day, I was going to visit one of my very best friends. I was so excited. And then this boy, who was a smart ass, thought he was my best friend’s best friend. I wasn’t having any of it. I had heard of him before, seen him before, met him before (although he didn’t quite remember it). Sure, he seemed friendly enough. But I have mistaken friendliness for jackass multiple times before so my guard was way up. He was persistent. Every day he would text me. We hadn’t even officially met yet. I thought he was all talk. A sweet talker indeed. He said he wasn’t. But why should I believe him? Or any other guy for that matter on anything any of them say? And they have no reason believing anything I say either.

I went along with it though. With the blessings of a couple trusting friends, I let my guard down a tad bit. My hopes were still buried though. I wasn’t about to get them up just to have them let down. But we kept talking. He showed no sign of slipping or that he was pretending to be what he said he was. In fact, he would later prove to be everything he said he was.

And then on that glorious day, the day of the Apple Cup of course, we met at last. Well, we met again, but both in our right state of mind this time. I’ll tell you one thing: I was a nervous wreck. Had no idea what to expect. What if I didn’t like him in person? What if he didn’t like me in person? What if I wasn’t attracted to him or him to me? All these worrisome thoughts flowing through my head as I stood shivering in the stands behind the field goal where my friends and I usually stood, waiting for the game to begin.

I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was much taller than I had remembered. The only time I had ever seen him, I never knew if I was seeing him or his twin, so I just called whoever it was at the time “twin”. But all of those encounters were very brief. And nothing could prepare me for what was about to unfold.

He strolled down the bleachers very smoothly. In my mind, I was hoping he was just as nervous as I was because then I wouldn’t feel like such a dork. He said hi to some friends and made his way over to me.

That was the last first moment of falling.

 He gave me a big hug. And I say big not because of the gesture, but because he was just a lot bigger than I was.

All of my worries went out the window for the moment. He was handsome and charming and sweet. Everything at that point that he said he was. Although he wouldn’t admit that he was handsome, I knew he would be. And then after such a brief moment I was stripped away from him. Standing on the other side of the student section, as much as I was trying to pay attention to such an exhilarating game, my eyes couldn’t help but keep wandering back to that area. Already, after only merely five minutes with him, I was longing to be back with him again. If I only knew then how that feeling would never ever go away again when I’m not with him.

That game was amazing. My friends and I almost left during the third quarter. And a rough quarter it was, but we Cougs powered through and into overtime. So many exciting and edge-of-your-seat moments in it. Storming the field. And we came out victorious. Two victories that would happen that day for me. One: grabbing that Apple Cup win with my school. Two: getting that handsome boy to fall with me.

Later that day, since it was an early game, I said my byes to all of my family that came to watch the game. It was past their bedtimes anyways. After such a thrilling game, my friends and I kind of had to power ourselves back up and rally if we wanted to do anything exciting that night. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but I just stayed and followed along with the crowd of my friends, which turned out good for me in the end.

My hands were shaking as I was fixing my make-up and hair. I told my friends how nervous I was again to see him. But also so excited. Something about him got my blood pumping and my heart thumping.

We walked down through the parking lot to another friend’s apartment. Thank goodness for friends of friends because it happened to work out in my favor that night. I walked in the door, immediately scanned the room as quickly as I could without seeming obvious and saw him there again. Looking gorgeous as ever. Those big brown eyes, that beautiful smile. Wait wait Sydney you’re around people, focus. And all of that went through my mind in the matter of a second or two. I mentally pulled myself together and walked over to the empty couch with my best friend and sat down. (Act casual Sydney, play it cool, don’t seem too interested even if you are).

That mindset didn’t last long. I don’t know what it was about him, but he made me just open up and not worry about trying to play a certain attitude or persona. He just allowed me to be myself, without even trying to. We kind of looked a little awkwardly and shyly at each other at first, but once we started talking, you couldn’t pull us apart. And when he wasn’t talking to me, regardless of who I was talking to my eyes followed him. I couldn’t take them off. Again, I tried to make it subtle but I’m sure it wasn’t.

We talked. And talked. And talked some more. Flirted. Fell. Laughed. Fell. Joked. Fell. Smiled. And fell deeper and deeper. By the end of the night, the last first kiss.

And that was all it took. Day after day we talked more and more. Hung out more and more. Laughed more and more. Fell more and more. More of everything. And deeper and deeper I went. At this point there was no turning back, no second guessing. It was too late. He had me.

And now, each and every day he helps me become closer to the person that I strive to be. He brings all of the good things out in me. His goodness rubs off on me and makes me better. All of the influence he has on me is good. Everything about him is good. And it makes me want to be just as good. So many times in my blogs I write about the bad in the world and the bad people in the world, but I always say at the end that I know there are good people in the world who make this world worth living in. He is one of those people. He makes me happy. He gives me the courage to be who I want to be. He is someone that I can look up to. And because I’ve met his family, I know where he gets all of the good that is in him, and I know that it goes through so deeply and that it is real.

You may be sitting here reading this, if you still are reading this, thinking blah blah, this is just sappy and cliché, or whatever you would want to call it. And yes. That is exactly what it is. It is happy, it is sweet, it is true.

I just went through the KHQ Facebook page this morning and all I see are shootings and robberies and injuries and accidents and death and discouraging things. So maybe people get so used to seeing unpleasant things that when they read something that is real AND good, it just doesn’t seem like it could be real at all. But we need real, good, happy things in this world.

Today it is sunny and beautiful and I am happy and blessed to have the people in my life that I do. All of the people. All of my friends and family and relatives and friends of friends, acquaintances, and especially people like Bryce that make me so happy and do so many things to make me a better, happier person.

Today I am happy. There will be days that I am not as happy, but I know that the better days will come, so I just want to let myself know that I am blessed and grateful and to cherish days like these so that when I’m not having such a good day, I can look forward to days like these. 

Serenity

Social networking is stupid. The only reason I ever feel the need to get on it anymore is because someone will say oh did you see what so and so posted?! And then of course I want to go look. The real thing that keeps me from deleting it is because then who would read my blog? I can see where readers look at it from and about 98 percent of the time it is from Facebook or twitter. But I do not like it. I do not like phones. Or tv. And maybe you think that, well if you don't like it get rid of it. But in this new world how can one get by without having phone and Internet access? I just think about when I was little and how it was a big deal when my brother or I got to play on the computer for like a half hour if even. Our parents were always kicking us outside until dinner. And then they had to drag us back in for bed during the summer. We "had" to make up games to play. Pretend. Play tag or hide and go seek. Kick the can. Jump on the trampoline for hours at a time. Make forts and rope swings. Play in the pool literally from morning until night during the summer. And at night we would watch a movie or read a story and then go to bed. But we weren't watching tv all day long, sitting on lap tops or iPads or iPhones all day. I didn't even get a real cell phone until 8th grade. Now kids as early as second grade have phones or iPads. The only outdoor things they do are probably the sports that their parents put them in. I'm sure it's not that extreme. Kids still go outside. Just probably not nearly as much. 

This topic has been discussed time and time again. And it will keep being discussed the more advanced our society and technology gets. And there's not a lot we can do about it. I'm just hoping that when I'm a parent one day that my kids will be happy to be kicked outside for a couple of hours and not complain that they want to play angry birds, or whatever the latest game at the time will be. I can only hope. I'm all for technology and how useful it is. I mean hey I'm writing this all conveniently on my phone right now. But it doesn't need to be all technology all the time. Especially for young kids. I'm just thankful for the experiences that I got growing up and I'll cherish those. I also cherish the times when I get to go camping or to the lake and don't have to worry about cell phones or Internet or Facebook. I can lay on the beach and read a book. Or sit by the river and wait for a fish. When it's so serene. Imagine the writing I could accomplish with thoughts free of all of this craziness. With images of outdoors and nature rather than clutter from this technological world. We rarely get those times anymore but that makes them that much more memorable. I hope for the future that we still even have those opportunities, or places where cell service can't be reached. I hope. 

A Constant

In with one breath, in with one life. Out with one breath, out with one life. 

The earth, this world that we live in is like a well-oiled machine. Like a good government should be, not that ours is a good example of it, this earth has checks and balances that it goes through to sustain the lives it holds. We haven't yet reached capacity but we're getting there soon enough. 

But in order to sustain new life, other lives must be sacrificed. And that is the bold nature of things. In black in white. As inhabitants of this earth we like to think it's a little more than out with the old in with the new. And I am a firm believer that that is not all that it boils out to. That someone up there has a master plan to all of this. Perhaps countless books on countless shelves with individual paths mapped out for each and every one of us. Of course the paths aren't perfect. We stray from time to time. But in the end we'll get where we were intended to be. 

Life is so swift and fast moving. Like a stream. If you think about it, there are no true increments of time. There are no days, minutes, seconds or even nano seconds. That's just how we dictate time. But truly time is ever changing. As you're reading this in your head the words are flowing into the past as soon as you can think them, faster than you can think them. We cannot stop time for even a brief moment. It is constant and continual. That's why it moves so fast. What we think of as an hour really means nothing when it comes to what time really is. It is almost impossible for us as humans to fully comprehend what time is and how it moves. Maybe I can't comprehend how it moves, but I do know how fast it moves. And in no direction in particular because it has no obstacles. No matter how much you want to capture a moment in time, or go back to a moment, that moment is long gone already. And as much as that is unfortunate, aren't we all just fortunate to have time here at all? Because of how fast and non stop time is, we must cherish the moments that were in, while we're in them. And sometimes, when you are sitting at work bored and tired because the baby kept you up all night, or you were up all night, nine hours straight of studying and now you have an exam to take, in these moments, it's harder to cherish it while you're in it. But if you think about it like, because of this particular moment, I get to have future moments with my family or my friends. It makes it all worthwhile in the end. 

And no one is invincible, though we sometimes think we are. No one lives forever. No one knows what He has planned for us or when our time down here is up. So take one of those ever-changing moments and share it with the one(s) you love. Those moments don't last long. But that's why God gave us memories. In the face of all the hardships and evil or pain in the world, God gave us these precious things called memories to which we can picture and embrace what we once had, even if we don't have that now. We can hold on to these memories for practically forever (and by forever I mean for how ever long we live). And as precious as these memories are to us, don't let them hold you back from making new ones with new people. Because those memories will be there when you need them. Those people might not always be. Time moves swiftly and smoothly. It is constant. We cannot stop or rewind it. So take a moment to take that in, and then use the rest of your moments to enjoy life, be happy, be thankful, be grateful, be good, cherish the moments while you're in them so that when they are merely a memory, they will mean that much more to you.