Loss is Lonely

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How does life still go on, the world still turn, when tragedy hits? The hustle and bustle of people pushing through with no understanding or acknowledgment of the utter crumbling of your insides that are covered by a weak smile, a fake smile. 

Loved ones reach out, send love and prayers. Acquaintances’ thoughts are with you, for a few days at least. Strangers haven’t the slightest idea. 

That all lasts, for a little while. Then routines go back. Yearly anniversaries are all that remain for others. 

Normal. Everything is normal. For others. 

But inside, nothing will ever be normal again. Every single day carries grief with weight so heavy, it’s a wonder how you bear it. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries turn into a burn that needs tending to, but no one wants to deal with it. A bandaid will do. It never heals fully. 

Eventually you develop a new normal that will never feel normal. With this gaping hole that nothing can ever fill but you try with drugs, alcohol, busyness, anything that you can do to tell yourself you’re okay when really you’re barely keeping it together. 

Grief and loss are the most lonely and isolating experiences. And they have a lasting impact that can’t be repaired, no matter how much you try to cope. 

But at least we’re together in that. 

Don't forget

Anxiety ridden, bed sittin 

Knees pulled up to my chest trying to forget about the rest

But how can ya forget the moment that you met, and every second since then you've been thinking how he left. 

It's hard out here wearin your heart on your sleeve knowin it's perfectly clear that he could always leave 

In a city that never sleeps people always need extra attention from another hopin your girl will always be 

There for ya, in the dark with tears streamin down her face knowing you're the cause babe this is not a race

So here's where it started 

Thinking we'd never be parted 

Wanting everything we had 

Never knowing in the end it would be me that would be sad

How can ya ever please someone with so much goin on 

Fairy tales on tv, slutty girls who always need

Attention. That's it. That's every little bit 

Attention seeking, secret meetings. Thinkin he's never gonna slip 
But what about me? Building up their confidence but tearin me piece by piece 

Blood pumpin, mind racin, anger through my eyes 

How could I've been so stupid not to see through his lies. 

I'm sorry, I'm stupid, I regret every single word

Too late I'm broken I never should have heard 

The voices telling me that everything's okay

But knowing reality will never go away 

So now what? Trust him? 

The memories will never fade.

I'm tired of being the only one who has to change 

There's gotta be an answer god please help me see

Why there's no answer to these questions that I need

Pray for me here I go jumping through the sky 

Holdin onto nothin hopin he won't let me die 

I look into my hour glass and I see

As I lay here watching the sand fall one piece at a time down the proverbial space known as time, and the rain drops soak through the earth, layer by layer, I ponder each moment passing one by one without fail. There is no rubber stopper for life that puts it on hold as you try to figure out where you’re going or where you want to be. It pours down the rusty metal pipe at a constant, never-changing rate. You cannot grasp any that has already fallen below, nor can you see what lies above. The metal walls offer no protection from the raging movement, nor any matter worth attempting to grasp on to. It would be fruitless to capture the ability to see what lies ahead or behind. And we are not endowed the prospect of that information. Time is a compelling concept. Defined as the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. It alone is what our whole human existence revolves around. I could not say how often I look at the clock in a day, but more than I could fathom being reasonable, considering that time is not real. Sure, you can count to sixty Mississippi, but then what? Sixty Mississippi’s passed, but you cannot occupy them. They are already gone. They are nothing. They don’t exist except in our mind. The clock on the wall moves and changes numbers, yet even if it stopped, our journey would never cease until the brink of death.  

            Life will keep moving. Seasons will change. Hair will gray and dissolve. And there is no process we can achieve to stop it. Might as well make it worth the effort. Some say that we should live in the moment. We already do that. We are unquestionably living in each moment. It is whether or not we keep our minds in the moment that makes the difference. I am living this moment right now, but perhaps my mind is living in the moments that have passed years ago. While we cannot physically live in moments of the future or the past, our mind can. And that is both a blessing and a tragedy. Both memory and anxiety of the future are necessary tools for survival. Nevertheless we should not live in these. We should use them as tools to move on the unexpected trails our bodies take. We cannot find our purpose in life if we are dwelling on the past or imagining false futures. At this present moment, we cannot change a single thing that will or will not happen in the future, nor can we change or replace anything that has happened in the past.

            The clock ticks, the sand falls. In one breath, out another. Look at this moment for what it is. Not what it isn’t. It is a delicate and significant occasion that can never be replicated. Notice the colors and textures that surround you. Breathe in the scent of the glorious oxygen that allows us to be here in this instance. Auscultate the independent beating of the heart. Appreciate the life that is not to be taken for granted. Do not be entangled in this invention of time. Eternity will pass with or without perpetual eyes wary of its progress. Indeed, there will be junctures for which note of the passage will be necessary. Be mindful and sparing of those periods. Time will tempt you with its seductive teeth that want to grip on to your every second here on earth. Do not let time trick you. Savor this moment before it has departed.

Quicksand

And along the way I found myself.

Or at least that’s what I’m hoping to tell myself a year, five years, ten years from now. Because right now, I have no idea who I am or where my life is going to lead. There comes a point in your life where things seem to fall together nicely. This, is not that point. Things can fall apart just as quickly as they can fall together. I’m stuck. In quicksand. Life is pulling me down second by second and I’m not sure if I should hang on for the ride or pull myself out and into some direction. I can feel the sand soaking up my body limb by limb and working its way up my spine, arms tingling from the heat of the burning pieces pressing into every visible inch of my being. Many times in my life I wished I had someone whose sole purpose was to make my decisions for me. It really would be an ultimate relief of stress. Sure, I might not get all of the things I want in life because who else knows me and what I want better than myself. But it would relieve me of the pain and torture of having to choose between pepperoni pizza or plain cheese. To be, or not to be. But of course that person’s job doesn’t exist, at least in my life. So I sit back and look at the stars trying to read my future in them. I was never very good in astronomy so the picture isn’t very clear for me. But if I look hard enough, I can see a twinkle in a distant corner of the universe that makes me feel like one way or another, everything is going to be alright. And if it’s not, that’s my destiny too. For centuries and centuries people, like myself, have been in a place, like I am, waiting to see if the sun will continue to rise day after day, even if I’m still not moving in any particular direction. Yet every morning, when I open my eyes I see light bouncing off the corners of the ceiling telling me today is here and I’m alive and breathing. No, I haven’t chosen any path. But I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth yet, despite my indecision. The air wont last, though. This I know. It’s only a matter of time before I succumb to the sinking marbles floating around me, washing me from this place. If history has anything to say about it, it is more than likely I’ll make a last minute cling for something, anything, to get myself afloat and to keep breathing. Just as drowning in water doesn’t stop your lungs from trying their very hardest to catch even a whisper of air. So I wait. Like the last second hail Mary decision that will set me in the direction of my next stage in life. I wait. Many of my greatest accomplishments were succeeded through a last second choice or action. The time will come when my stars align, when the buzzer goes off, when the sand tries to cover my last breath and I will choose.

Until then.

And along the way she found herself. Every decision in her life led up to this moment. The seconds ticked by as she swallowed and reached out her hand. She grabbed the fleeting moment using every muscle in her body, making sure the choice was hers now. She knew life wasn’t going to present her with easy decisions. Her indecision up to that point made her choices become the only things she could see. And through a cloud of confusion she emerged gracefully, not knowing until now that someone held her hand through the entire journey. It was never a matter of decision; it was just a matter of time before she stepped forward into her life. Time was the one barrier stopping her. As the minutes moved forward, she too moved forward on life’s path, step by step.

I Made the Right Decision

As my frustration with this silly EdTPA continues to grow and grow as the days go by, so does my affection for all of my students. Sure, there are days where whole classes at a time make me want to pull all the hair out of my head, but I can’t deny the compassion that I hold for each and every one of those frustrating, fun, funny, kiddos. The more I learn about them, the more I’ve grown to love each and every one of them. I honestly cannot say that I have a student that I do not like. There are a few students that I don’t know as well as others that I would like to get to know a bit more. But I was sitting at my desk in the classroom this afternoon, waiting for it to be 3:00 so that I could leave to go work more on this ridiculously long task of mine, just looking at the class lists. I had actually been thinking about how I need to take a couple days off from school to go to career fairs. Then I saw a schedule for convocations, one coming up next week, and I looked at the dates at the others and they were both after I would no longer be at Rogers working with my students and it actually made me tear up right there. I know that teachers leave their students every year, or I guess the students leave them. But for me, I’ve only gotten a little over two months with them and I only get two more and it’s just not enough time. And had I actually been working at their school I would at least get to see their faces in the halls on occasion and keep up with them and bug them when I feel like it. And not only do I not get nearly enough time with them, it’s also the fact that all 119 of them that I get to see every day are my very first class that I’ll ever have had so they will always have a special place in my heart over any classes I’ll ever have. The bottom line is: I just don’t want to leave them. And to be honest, there might be an option in my future where I don’t technically have to leave them for good, though, I don’t know for sure that it will be an option, and if it is…if I would take it.

My heart is just so full right now of all these amazing young people and I just wish I could somehow be there with them every step of the way until they are able to be out there on their own. And now what’s going through my head is that I’m really in for it if I’m having trouble just at the thought of leaving kids who have only been in my life for two months, what’s going to happen when I do have my own class and I’ve been with them for a whole 180 days. I’m gonna have a lot of heart aches. However, it is reassuring me that I got in the right profession for the right reasons when I’m wishing how I could just stay with them until June instead of finding an actual job for the summer where I’ll make money. Also thinking of bribing my mentor teacher to play “sick” for the month and a half that I won’t be there (just kidding…sort of). Well, I guess I should get back to working on my assessment so that I can pass it and actually become a teacher… Until next time. (Even though it’s been forever since my last blog, you’ll hear from me soon I’m sure).