Have A Little Faith

Sometimes in life, our biggest fears become our realities. We don’t know why these things happen, why they happen to us, why people choose to do things that they do. But at the same time, because of our fears and these things out there and people out there that can hurt us, we cannot hide from those fears and those people. If we hid from the world, hid because we’re scared, then we would never get anywhere in life. We wouldn’t experience love, happiness, warmth, family, we wouldn’t experience life. So we take those chances. We take those risks. We walk off of the edge and hope that someone is there to catch us. That the risk was worth it in the end. That you got the job. That you get the role you want. That you get the girl you want to marry. We hope. And sometimes we fall short. Perhaps just inches of what we were trying to achieve. That person isn’t there to catch us. You were one word off of getting the position you wanted. One point away from getting the award.

You took a risk and it failed.

We all want it to be that life. The one where putting all your effort into this one thing, this project, this goal, this dream, that one day you’ll get it. We see it in movies, we read it in books, we hear about it in the news. We don’t read about the ones that took the risk and didn’t get exactly what they had hoped for. And maybe that is a good thing. Because then it keeps us hoping, it keeps our heads high hoping and knowing that we can achieve everything we work for. But sometimes it doesn’t work. No matter what we do. No matter how hard we try. No matter how much effort, and strength, and sweat, and love. No matter what we put into it, it doesn’t turn out like we planned. Because our life isn’t how we plan to have it. What we want. Our lives are destined to be exactly how they will be. There is a plan. Maybe it’s not your plan. Maybe it’s not exactly what you’re dream is. But it will be the right plan for you, I know that.

And even if you do this. You take that risk. You put everything you have, your heart, your mind, your soul, blood sweat and tears, every little and big thing you have into something and it doesn’t turn out like you “plan”, that doesn’t mean you should give up. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still take those risks.

Make a new dream. Make yourself a new plan. Give yourself goals. Put effort into something again. Don’t’ let one failed attempt bring you down. You’ll get it right one day. It may not be today or tomorrow. It will come though.

Be strong willed. Have a little faith. Don’t give up hope.

Don’t regret trying for what you wanted. It just means that you have heart, and even if you didn’t succeed in getting what you wanted, you succeeded in living and showing passion for something bigger than yourself. And that takes courage. You took that step off the edge. And what will take more courage, is that even though that person wasn’t there to catch you, you’re gonna get back up, dust yourself off, and try again. I know you will. I have faith in you just like I have faith in myself and faith in the people that I love.

You are strong, you are kind, you are compassionate, you mean something to more than one person in this world. So be brave and keep taking those risks. Because one day, you’ll be so happy that you did. And everything you did up until that point will have gotten you there.

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.” 
― Voltaire

Not Sure What to Think

To properly express what I'm feeling right now I should write it down as I'm feeling it. I really want to cry. The sad thing is that I know I have to focus on my life right now and I literally do not have time to just stop what I'm doing and solely focus on this tragedy. But if it was anything but finals I would. That's why I am however writing this down so that I do not forget. 

HOW MANY TIMES. How many times will I have to tell myself that there are indeed good people out there? How many times am I going to be proven wrong? How many times will my heart ache for innocent people. How many times until it directly affects me in my life? On the news they say the chances are infinitesimal that it would ever happen to YOU. They said that. Well can you tell that to all of those parents there in Newtown Connecticut? No you can't. So obviously the chances are not that slim. They also said that, and although they hate to admit it, that now that this has happened once, the likeliness increases for it to happen again. So that infinitesimal number goes down dramatically in my head. Ten days until Christmas Eve. 18 children dead. 28 total dead. If our freedom inhibits our safety should we still get it? I don't know any answers. I just have questions that I know no one can truly answer. 

I know that shooting any innocent person is horrible. It is. But kindergarten children? FIVE year olds? What did they ever do? How can you get any more innocent than that? 

A man on Fox News said that this is the evil that is ever present in our world and although we have law enforcement and teachers and people who are on the "front line" to catch these people before they get through to our children and sometimes we miss some of the evil. No. We cannot miss that evil. I wish there wouldn't be that evil but I'm not ignorant. I know that it's there. But I still sometimes have those childhood dreams, probably like most of those kindergartners, that the world is good and full of good people. It is good and it is not scary. And now, not even just the fact that 18 children are dead, what about the children that survived? It is unbelievably lucky that most children are resilient. But not all are. For some of them this will affect them for their entire lives. And to those who didn't, my heart, my prayers, my thoughts go out to those families. I cannot even remotely fathom any of those feelings. I can only be thankful to not have had any tragedies of that nature in my life. 

And the big questions, when will this happen again? Because as history has proven, things like this are not ever ending. Why did this happen? How are we supposed to feel safe again? At this point if I was a mother I would want to take my children out of school right now. But I'm not a mother, I don't even know how any moms or dads or aunts and uncles feel. Because I still am more of a kid than an adult. 

I am speechless. 

And for those officers and detectives who have to go into that school and process the scene and see the result of one to two evil, wrong people, I pray for them too. I can only imagine, yet I don't want to imagine what that scene looks like. 

The parents, oh my I cannot even say anything that could even close to comprehend what they are feeling or thinking. But my prayers will be endless for them. 

And as I'm thinking about it, the shooter was 20 years old. That's nearly my age. Someone my age did this. 

I can't believe that a sane person could do this.

Some of the aftermath of this, parents all over the country right now probably feel the need to go pick up their kids and hold them tight. They can only do that for so long. We can't keep kids out of school. Not everyone can take the time to homeschool their kids. But the thought would be nice if we could. But we have to go on with everyday life. Parents still have to send their kids to school day to day. 

I really wish the shooter had not killed himself. I want answers that I know I'll never get. Those parents want answers. This country wants answers that we won't get. 

I just keep picturing what happened there in that small school with those kindergartners. 

My prayers out for everyone involved. 

Something went wrong here. Somewhere in our lives were letting something slip through the cracks. Something evil. 

I don't even know what to think right now 

Through The Ages

            So this is probably my tenth time trying to write a blog since the last time I wrote one. I feel the need to write them but then I don’t know what I want to talk about. But I always seem to think of great ideas when I’m supposed to be doing something else. Like studying for finals for example. When I probably should be doing that, I’m sitting here thinking about what to write about. So what did I get accomplished today? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be studying for finals: I slept in till noon. I sat and watched a Christmas episode of Spongebob. I made three flash cards. I went and got Starbucks. I watched part of a cheesy Christmas movie. I edited Joey’s 12 page paper (my break from “studying”). I took a break after my break from studying to listen to music. I stalked people on Facebook. I sat here and thought about what I wanted to write in a blog. I was supposed to start studying again at 6:15, but that just didn’t happen.

            When I began writing this, I wanted to write once again about how I wish there were more good people in the world. But I’m always going to hope for that and most of it is out of my control anyways so I erased all that I wrote about that. But one thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how much growing up SUCKS balls. I’m sorry. But I really don’t see why everyone my age wants to turn 21 so badly. Or why people younger want to turn 18 so badly. Or 16. Okay, just kidding, I can totally see the 16 one. It is unbelievably nice to be able to drive a car and not have to have your parents take you everywhere.

            Birth: You’re all slimy and sticky and everyone wants to touch you and make sure you’re okay. You may have trouble breathing, or other complications. They might have thought you were a girl, but you were really a boy with a tiny lil guy (down there) so you have to wear pink clothes out of the hospital, and I don’t care how old you are, that’s just embarrassing. You just are an accident waiting to happen. Diapers are almost too big to even wear. And you have no hair. And a large number of you are ugly, me being one of those.

            Two: You’re in this alleged “terrible twos” era where everyone gets annoyed with you. You’re too big to be held and babied all the time but sometimes not big enough to completely get anywhere you need. Oh and you still sometimes shit yourself.

            Five: You’re getting up there. All of the relatives comment on “Aw you’re getting so big!” but hey you get to go to school for half days and play with coodie infested kids who try to steal your damn toys and then blame it on someone else. The teacher is nice, but she only lets you play with your toys on HER terms. Screw that. I wanna go back home where I can play all day long and only have to take time off for naps or eating.

            Eight: You’re in real school now. You have to do all of this “math” shit. No more coloring pictures for assignments. And you’re parents are starting to be too old to even help you with half of it. If you have an “accident” in bed now, you’ll really get made fun of. You have to go to school all day, but at least you get two recesses and lunch with those cool little milk pouches where you can use them as a cannon and squeeze it at that annoying kid that wont shut up at the table. And then you get in trouble by one of the lunch ladies and you get one of your recesses taken away so someone is probably going to take your place on the basketball court and they’ll probably suck.

            Twelve: Wow. You’re in middle school with all of the “big kids” now. You don’t have to be stuck in one class room all day. You decide to try being different then everyone else. You go through that really effing awkward stage where you always look odd. You’re gonna look back on those days and think what the heck was I thinking wearing that out in public, or even owning it for that matter? But you also have to fit in, so you buy all of the trends that everyone else is wearing. Converse and gaucho pants. You put a streak of color in your hair. You start playing sports for school and realize how much dumber those coaches are than you and they don’t know anything. Oh yeah, and you have this thing called “summer homework” now and it sucks. Who the hell gives you homework during the summer. It’s called summer VACATION for a reason people. Sheesh.

            Thirteen: OH EM GEE. You’re a teenager now. You’re not a little kid anymore. You can laugh at all of those little twelve year olds now because they’re so little. Guess what else you get? Hormones, acne, and for girls…well you know what we get stuck with for the rest of our effing lives once a month that turns you into a monster once a month and you no longer EVER know what you want. You want Jimmy this week, and Toby the next. And you’re heart broken when John passes the note to Susie asking her to the dance but not you. And boys, well we know what you get too. It’s not a secret ;)

            Sixteen: The first Big one. You see all of those my super sweet sixteen shows on MTV and ask your parents for one and they say sure and invite all ten of your closest friends over for that rager and totally get that Ferrari you wanted as your first car…ha. Not. That ’98 chevy clunker is close enough. Oh and the greatest thing about having your license? Paying for gas. Mowing all of those lawns in the dead heat of summer, or babysitting those bratty kids for ten hours just to pay for one tank of gas so that you can go to that movie on Friday with all of your friends that everyone goes to but you all waste your money because no one even watches it and everyone is either talking or working up the confidence to hold hands with their newest “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. Not to mention you have a whole entire HALF of a chapter book to read, and then you have to read the other half next week, and three weeks later you have to have a freaking full two page paper written about what you thought about it. Yikes.

            Seventeen: The same boring crap.

            Eighteen: YAAAAAYYYYYYYY. This is the day you’ve waited for your entire life. You can go out and buy cigars or cigarettes that you don’t smoke. Or the lotto ticket that you wont win. Or go to the casino and lose 20 bucks on one hand. You tell your parents you’re going to go get a tattoo now and tell them that they can’t do anything about it and their response is to pack up your shit, give them the keys to your car, and a pat on the back for good luck out in the real world. So you reluctantly walk defeated back into your room where you pout for an hour and try to scheme up another way to use your new “adulthood”.

            Nineteen: You move out of your house. You’re in college. You realize that it’s nowhere as easy as you expected. You realize that everything you learned is high school is almost completely pointless for this new shit you’re learning and that it did not prepare you even slightly. You realize that you can’t b-s your way through school work anymore. You learn that you actually have to do the work, even though none of it is graded because if you don’t you’ll fail and do you realize how much you are paying to even be here? The dorms are fine, but once you move out into an apartment you think you’ll have so much time and freedom and free space but all you really get is a sucky shower head, you have to clean everything yourself, you have to cook dinner for yourself and you have to pay all of the damn bills.

            That’s as far as I’ve made it. But as I see it, 21 is just me being able to get into the bars, but now I’ll actually have to pay for my own drinks…dammit.

            I make it sound like it was all terrible. Well it wasn’t. It was all a blast. I honestly wish I could be a kid for ever. Truly, I do have it pretty easy right now. Even though I’m paying for college and living myself. I still don’t have too much to complain about yet. But I wouldn’t mind going back to having the life of a kid. It really is carefree and nice. My point is that although there are so many new and cool things to do as you grow up, just appreciate the little worries in life before you get to the big ones. Make and hold on to all of those memories. It’s stressful to think about the future. Even though I know there will be so many great things to happen, there’s nothing quite like the comfort of being a kid, growing up, just having fun. I sometimes forget how fast time is going and it’s nice to look back and think about all of the things that I had, even the seemingly bad ones. All of those things brought me to where I am now and although I miss them, I am happy to just enjoy life and try to take is slow and enjoy it and try not to wish it away. 

DB of the Year

Pardon any explicit language you are about to read. 

Annnnnd the douche bag of the year award goes out to you. You know who you are. Shall we go over the things you've done to earn this award? There are most likely plenty more things that I don't even know about but we'll start here. Strike one: you led my best friend on to think that you were one of those nice quiet, shy guys. Hand holding, movie watching, sleepovers, cuddling. He doesn't even have a fb he's so shy and quiet! Then after two months, you two attempt to commit and you decide that you want out. Bull shit. 

Strike two: after hours, days, weeks of confusion, none of us can figure out how such a nice guy could do something like that. Anger, hurt, tears. And then we are enlightened to the real cause of the matter. YOU'VE HAD A GIRLFRIEND FOR FOUR YEARS YOU POS. Who the heck does that? Oh. And on top of that, you do have a Facebook, you just blocked her from it so that she couldn't see that you did in fact have a girlfriend. What does Dawn think about this buddy? If you're going to block one girl from seeing it, you better have blocked the whole gawd dammed campus from you. 

Strike three four five six and so on:

As any good friend would, we all gave you death glares, looked down upon you, all things that make sense for friends to do. And you turn the tables on her and make her feel like the bad person? Oh you must be mistaken. It's not like she told us to glare at you or accidentally shoulder check you at a party. That's what we're here for and I would expect the same of her if the situation was reversed. And when she calls you out on that you still try to blame it on her. You know what you are? You are a manipulative, asshole, douche bag, piece of shit if I've ever seen one. And you know what I should do? I should get a group of people to go kick your ass because you would more than deserve it. But instead I'm writing this, to get my feelings out. And you know what I'm going to do now? I forgive you. I know that deep deep deep deep down there in you somewhere there is probably something good. You have a crumby way of showing anything good in you unless it's to get what you want. I'm not worried about getting revenge for my friend because karma will come around and do it's job. I just hope you learn your lesson before something bad happens to you. Not everyone's friends are as forgiving. So that girl you held hands with the other night, or the girl you were making out with last night (meanwhile still having a girlfriend) you'd better be careful. She might have a big brother with big muscles and a big agenda for watching out for his little sis or something. Right now, you are not being a good person, to anyone. So you need to straighten your shit out before it gets you in trouble, Number 19. And if you ever hurt my friend again: well she may not have a big older brother, but I do. And he'll watch out for my friends just as much as he'll watch out for me. I can only forgive the same person so many times. 

Just please, please, try to be a good person. A better person at the very least.