Free Falling

How funny life is. One moment you think you have everything planned out exactly as you expect it to go, and the next, you have no idea what you're going to do, where you're going to go, or what will happen to your future. You don't even know enough to make any concrete plans of any kind. One day, one decision, or even one person can turn your whole world around. It's almost as though you're on the roller coaster ride of your life but there aren't just the ups and downs, at this point you've completely derailed the track. You see the tracks on the other side but you don't know if you'll make it or how to even attempt getting there. You still see the future you want, but the path to get there has changed. It has changed by a combination of fate, decision, and that faith that you can't see or touch but can feel and trust in your heart. People will question your decisions your judgement, that faith that you have. At times you may even second guess yourself. But then you remember why you made the choice to believe in something beyond yourself and to have faith in something that questioned everything you had known up until that point. You realize that no matter what happens, no matter what path or track you get on, there are two seats in that cart for a reason. You're not doing it alone. That faith you have is in someONE not something. And not only that, there are those carts behind you filled with family and friends that support your every decision regardless of how crazy or reckless it might be. They're in your life for the long haul. So, as scary as it may be, as uncertain as you are, hang on tight or throw your hands in the air, because either way you're gonna keep going and you're gonna get there one way or another. It might be a bumpy ride, but it'll be new and fun and maybe the best experience and decision you've ever made. You won't know till you get there but the trip is the exciting part. 

So I'm off the tracks, if you're with me or if you're not. One hand in the air and one hand in his. Don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. But I have faith, love, and support and that's all I'll ever need. 

Here I Go

I'm sorry if I've offended. It's not you but it's me. It seems I'm better off. I'm a better person you see. We had our fun. We spent some time. You say, get on with this stupid rhyme. You have changed and so have I. I'm not here to please. I asked God to please rid me of my enemies. And then I started losing friends. I will pick up the pieces and move on with my life, as should you. It may be better off this way. You influence me poorly. And then I treat you poorly. We're no good together you see? We were thrown together with vodka and loss. I'm not yours to boss around. I have my own life to live. We must be the change we want to see in our lives. I see a change, so I'm changing myself. If you don't fit it's not my fault. Maybe this is blunt, but I'm not rolling any. You are. I'm better off without. Without this without that. Without you? I guess we'll find out. This is no joke. This is no pun. This game were playing, I'm done. Your words are simply a reflection of what you see not just me. You say, step into my shoes, but have you of mine? I do not think so. So judge not unless you plan to be the image of perfection for the rest of your life. Now here I go to live mine. 

Days Like These

So this one day, I was going to visit one of my very best friends. I was so excited. And then this boy, who was a smart ass, thought he was my best friend’s best friend. I wasn’t having any of it. I had heard of him before, seen him before, met him before (although he didn’t quite remember it). Sure, he seemed friendly enough. But I have mistaken friendliness for jackass multiple times before so my guard was way up. He was persistent. Every day he would text me. We hadn’t even officially met yet. I thought he was all talk. A sweet talker indeed. He said he wasn’t. But why should I believe him? Or any other guy for that matter on anything any of them say? And they have no reason believing anything I say either.

I went along with it though. With the blessings of a couple trusting friends, I let my guard down a tad bit. My hopes were still buried though. I wasn’t about to get them up just to have them let down. But we kept talking. He showed no sign of slipping or that he was pretending to be what he said he was. In fact, he would later prove to be everything he said he was.

And then on that glorious day, the day of the Apple Cup of course, we met at last. Well, we met again, but both in our right state of mind this time. I’ll tell you one thing: I was a nervous wreck. Had no idea what to expect. What if I didn’t like him in person? What if he didn’t like me in person? What if I wasn’t attracted to him or him to me? All these worrisome thoughts flowing through my head as I stood shivering in the stands behind the field goal where my friends and I usually stood, waiting for the game to begin.

I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was much taller than I had remembered. The only time I had ever seen him, I never knew if I was seeing him or his twin, so I just called whoever it was at the time “twin”. But all of those encounters were very brief. And nothing could prepare me for what was about to unfold.

He strolled down the bleachers very smoothly. In my mind, I was hoping he was just as nervous as I was because then I wouldn’t feel like such a dork. He said hi to some friends and made his way over to me.

That was the last first moment of falling.

 He gave me a big hug. And I say big not because of the gesture, but because he was just a lot bigger than I was.

All of my worries went out the window for the moment. He was handsome and charming and sweet. Everything at that point that he said he was. Although he wouldn’t admit that he was handsome, I knew he would be. And then after such a brief moment I was stripped away from him. Standing on the other side of the student section, as much as I was trying to pay attention to such an exhilarating game, my eyes couldn’t help but keep wandering back to that area. Already, after only merely five minutes with him, I was longing to be back with him again. If I only knew then how that feeling would never ever go away again when I’m not with him.

That game was amazing. My friends and I almost left during the third quarter. And a rough quarter it was, but we Cougs powered through and into overtime. So many exciting and edge-of-your-seat moments in it. Storming the field. And we came out victorious. Two victories that would happen that day for me. One: grabbing that Apple Cup win with my school. Two: getting that handsome boy to fall with me.

Later that day, since it was an early game, I said my byes to all of my family that came to watch the game. It was past their bedtimes anyways. After such a thrilling game, my friends and I kind of had to power ourselves back up and rally if we wanted to do anything exciting that night. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but I just stayed and followed along with the crowd of my friends, which turned out good for me in the end.

My hands were shaking as I was fixing my make-up and hair. I told my friends how nervous I was again to see him. But also so excited. Something about him got my blood pumping and my heart thumping.

We walked down through the parking lot to another friend’s apartment. Thank goodness for friends of friends because it happened to work out in my favor that night. I walked in the door, immediately scanned the room as quickly as I could without seeming obvious and saw him there again. Looking gorgeous as ever. Those big brown eyes, that beautiful smile. Wait wait Sydney you’re around people, focus. And all of that went through my mind in the matter of a second or two. I mentally pulled myself together and walked over to the empty couch with my best friend and sat down. (Act casual Sydney, play it cool, don’t seem too interested even if you are).

That mindset didn’t last long. I don’t know what it was about him, but he made me just open up and not worry about trying to play a certain attitude or persona. He just allowed me to be myself, without even trying to. We kind of looked a little awkwardly and shyly at each other at first, but once we started talking, you couldn’t pull us apart. And when he wasn’t talking to me, regardless of who I was talking to my eyes followed him. I couldn’t take them off. Again, I tried to make it subtle but I’m sure it wasn’t.

We talked. And talked. And talked some more. Flirted. Fell. Laughed. Fell. Joked. Fell. Smiled. And fell deeper and deeper. By the end of the night, the last first kiss.

And that was all it took. Day after day we talked more and more. Hung out more and more. Laughed more and more. Fell more and more. More of everything. And deeper and deeper I went. At this point there was no turning back, no second guessing. It was too late. He had me.

And now, each and every day he helps me become closer to the person that I strive to be. He brings all of the good things out in me. His goodness rubs off on me and makes me better. All of the influence he has on me is good. Everything about him is good. And it makes me want to be just as good. So many times in my blogs I write about the bad in the world and the bad people in the world, but I always say at the end that I know there are good people in the world who make this world worth living in. He is one of those people. He makes me happy. He gives me the courage to be who I want to be. He is someone that I can look up to. And because I’ve met his family, I know where he gets all of the good that is in him, and I know that it goes through so deeply and that it is real.

You may be sitting here reading this, if you still are reading this, thinking blah blah, this is just sappy and cliché, or whatever you would want to call it. And yes. That is exactly what it is. It is happy, it is sweet, it is true.

I just went through the KHQ Facebook page this morning and all I see are shootings and robberies and injuries and accidents and death and discouraging things. So maybe people get so used to seeing unpleasant things that when they read something that is real AND good, it just doesn’t seem like it could be real at all. But we need real, good, happy things in this world.

Today it is sunny and beautiful and I am happy and blessed to have the people in my life that I do. All of the people. All of my friends and family and relatives and friends of friends, acquaintances, and especially people like Bryce that make me so happy and do so many things to make me a better, happier person.

Today I am happy. There will be days that I am not as happy, but I know that the better days will come, so I just want to let myself know that I am blessed and grateful and to cherish days like these so that when I’m not having such a good day, I can look forward to days like these. 

Serenity

Social networking is stupid. The only reason I ever feel the need to get on it anymore is because someone will say oh did you see what so and so posted?! And then of course I want to go look. The real thing that keeps me from deleting it is because then who would read my blog? I can see where readers look at it from and about 98 percent of the time it is from Facebook or twitter. But I do not like it. I do not like phones. Or tv. And maybe you think that, well if you don't like it get rid of it. But in this new world how can one get by without having phone and Internet access? I just think about when I was little and how it was a big deal when my brother or I got to play on the computer for like a half hour if even. Our parents were always kicking us outside until dinner. And then they had to drag us back in for bed during the summer. We "had" to make up games to play. Pretend. Play tag or hide and go seek. Kick the can. Jump on the trampoline for hours at a time. Make forts and rope swings. Play in the pool literally from morning until night during the summer. And at night we would watch a movie or read a story and then go to bed. But we weren't watching tv all day long, sitting on lap tops or iPads or iPhones all day. I didn't even get a real cell phone until 8th grade. Now kids as early as second grade have phones or iPads. The only outdoor things they do are probably the sports that their parents put them in. I'm sure it's not that extreme. Kids still go outside. Just probably not nearly as much. 

This topic has been discussed time and time again. And it will keep being discussed the more advanced our society and technology gets. And there's not a lot we can do about it. I'm just hoping that when I'm a parent one day that my kids will be happy to be kicked outside for a couple of hours and not complain that they want to play angry birds, or whatever the latest game at the time will be. I can only hope. I'm all for technology and how useful it is. I mean hey I'm writing this all conveniently on my phone right now. But it doesn't need to be all technology all the time. Especially for young kids. I'm just thankful for the experiences that I got growing up and I'll cherish those. I also cherish the times when I get to go camping or to the lake and don't have to worry about cell phones or Internet or Facebook. I can lay on the beach and read a book. Or sit by the river and wait for a fish. When it's so serene. Imagine the writing I could accomplish with thoughts free of all of this craziness. With images of outdoors and nature rather than clutter from this technological world. We rarely get those times anymore but that makes them that much more memorable. I hope for the future that we still even have those opportunities, or places where cell service can't be reached. I hope. 

A Constant

In with one breath, in with one life. Out with one breath, out with one life. 

The earth, this world that we live in is like a well-oiled machine. Like a good government should be, not that ours is a good example of it, this earth has checks and balances that it goes through to sustain the lives it holds. We haven't yet reached capacity but we're getting there soon enough. 

But in order to sustain new life, other lives must be sacrificed. And that is the bold nature of things. In black in white. As inhabitants of this earth we like to think it's a little more than out with the old in with the new. And I am a firm believer that that is not all that it boils out to. That someone up there has a master plan to all of this. Perhaps countless books on countless shelves with individual paths mapped out for each and every one of us. Of course the paths aren't perfect. We stray from time to time. But in the end we'll get where we were intended to be. 

Life is so swift and fast moving. Like a stream. If you think about it, there are no true increments of time. There are no days, minutes, seconds or even nano seconds. That's just how we dictate time. But truly time is ever changing. As you're reading this in your head the words are flowing into the past as soon as you can think them, faster than you can think them. We cannot stop time for even a brief moment. It is constant and continual. That's why it moves so fast. What we think of as an hour really means nothing when it comes to what time really is. It is almost impossible for us as humans to fully comprehend what time is and how it moves. Maybe I can't comprehend how it moves, but I do know how fast it moves. And in no direction in particular because it has no obstacles. No matter how much you want to capture a moment in time, or go back to a moment, that moment is long gone already. And as much as that is unfortunate, aren't we all just fortunate to have time here at all? Because of how fast and non stop time is, we must cherish the moments that were in, while we're in them. And sometimes, when you are sitting at work bored and tired because the baby kept you up all night, or you were up all night, nine hours straight of studying and now you have an exam to take, in these moments, it's harder to cherish it while you're in it. But if you think about it like, because of this particular moment, I get to have future moments with my family or my friends. It makes it all worthwhile in the end. 

And no one is invincible, though we sometimes think we are. No one lives forever. No one knows what He has planned for us or when our time down here is up. So take one of those ever-changing moments and share it with the one(s) you love. Those moments don't last long. But that's why God gave us memories. In the face of all the hardships and evil or pain in the world, God gave us these precious things called memories to which we can picture and embrace what we once had, even if we don't have that now. We can hold on to these memories for practically forever (and by forever I mean for how ever long we live). And as precious as these memories are to us, don't let them hold you back from making new ones with new people. Because those memories will be there when you need them. Those people might not always be. Time moves swiftly and smoothly. It is constant. We cannot stop or rewind it. So take a moment to take that in, and then use the rest of your moments to enjoy life, be happy, be thankful, be grateful, be good, cherish the moments while you're in them so that when they are merely a memory, they will mean that much more to you. 

My Coats

You know why I write? I write because I have all of these thoughts in my head, swimming around like a school of minnows bumping into each other at every turn. And if I don’t do something with them, make something of them, they will build up until my head explodes. Lately I have had so much going through my mind, but I haven’t exactly known how to put it all into words. I have tried writing a blog so many times in the past month. But nothing seems to come out. And how am I expected to sleep at night, or focus on school or other things with all of these things floating around in my head? Well that’s an excellent question.

Do you ever just get caught up in life? So caught up in the brilliance or the happiness that one thing brings you, that you let other aspects of your life slip down that extremely long list of priorities to the point where this is how your list looks:

Priority Number One

Every other priority.

Like you get a new coat, for instance. That coat is gorgeous and shiny and new and you love it unlike any other coat you’ve had before. But just because you have that new coat, doesn’t mean you have to wear it every single day. You have other coats and sweaters you can wear. And even if you put on a sweater, you don’t have to wear the coat with that sweater too. You can wear your other coats and sweaters equally. Even if for short periods of time, or whenever you can.

Okay that may be a really dumb metaphor of my life. But it is what it is. It is ridiculous how out of hand things can get sometimes. When you get caught up in life. You wear your new coat all the time and take for granted all of the other wonderful coats you have in your closet that just want to be worn or even a glance in it’s direction.

Life can be strange sometimes. One moment you think you have everything that you’ve ever wanted, and the next moment things are slipping away. You leave things on the back burner a little bit too long. When one thing makes you so unbelievably happy that you forget about all of the other things in life that make you happy too. You’re not doing the job that you’re supposed to be doing. As the wearer of your coats, it is your duty to give all of your coats attention, not just one or two of them. In return, if you show your coats love and care, they will in the end be there for you on a cold, wintry day, like today for instance.

In the midst of all this coat-wearing and not coat-wearing confusion that I’m bringing to you, I have been awaken to mistakes that I make. But I cant be the only person this happens to right? I’m not saying that it is fair or right, but when you get a new pair of shoes or a new coat, you really just want to wear it all the time, don’t you? Isn’t that somehow a part of human nature. At least human nature as it has evolved into the 21^st century. Little kids with new toys, they either end up wanting to play with their new toy all the time (or they will play with the box that the toy comes in, which is irrelevant in this case).

Now I’m not saying that I don’t absolutely love my new coat with all of my heart. Because I do. I’m just saying that I’ve realized my errors in wearing this new coat far too often, and not giving any of my other coats any of my attention and that is certainly not fair. I know that if the situation were reversed, if I were the coats, and the wearer always chose a new coat over me, I would be very displeased. And the worst part is, that I tried wearing the other coats gradually more and more, it just got a little mixed up in the process. Although, I do know now what I have to do. And I plan on doing it still, even if my coats don’t want me to wear them anymore. I’m going to anyways. I’ll do my best to be fair and just for all.

Despite all of this coat-wearing, it has been far too long, once again, since I have written. We could even go so far to say that my blog has been one of my “coats” that I’ve hung in the back of the closet for awhile. I really have tried to write, though. I have about six half-written blogs that I just didn’t enjoy myself enough to finish and publish them. So what has happened since my last blog? Other than my coat problems I’ve been having.

Well there was Christmas. This year it was a smaller one. But it was quite cozy and nice to be with family, as always. We did end up having a very white Christmas, and it’s been white nearly day to day since then. If it were up to me, which it clearly isn’t if you take a peek out your window, I would love to have snow from December 20^th to about January 2^nd and then it would all go away. Wouldn’t that be nice; if we could choose the weather we’d like to have. Or even the days we’d like to have. I know that I would always want to choose to have a good day, wouldn’t you? But then we wouldn’t cherish those great days as much if we didn’t have the not-so-great days to compare them to. They would all just be good days. Not bad, not great, just good.

And then there was New Years. An out of the ordinary New Years, I might say, but one I will never ever forget. Hopefully the first of many to come like it.

I finished winter break strong and it was very fun. And back to school we went. I now see why some households do not allow to have TVs in the bedroom, though, because it keeps from people communicating and coming together. School itself looks very promising, though. Not that people ever want to read in their free time about school. Most people don’t even like to read in their free time at all, so why are you reading this??? Just kidding, I’m glad you are. But my classes, all four of them, seem to look like I will enjoy them. English Lit, Astronomy, Shakespeare, and Teaching/Learning. All very interesting, and the best part is that most of them don’t have exams in them. Just readings and papers. Which I prefer.

But enough about school. Eight sentences is enough to last anyone forever about school.

How about life? Just taking it one day at a time. Making mistakes, fixing mistakes, having fun, sleeping (a lot), eating (a lot). Oh I tried to train for a half-marathon with joey and mags, and I gave up. I still want to exceed my running skills further, but in the short amount of time to train, being how out of shape I am currently, it’s going to take a little longer than eight weeks to get me in shape. And it’s not a physical thing exactly. Definitely more mental in my case. I’ve never ever been much of a long distance runner. Or a runner period. The only running I did in track was the running I had to and which only included sprints. Now sprints I can do.

Some aspects of life are great, some are so/so, some need improvement. But hey, I’m alive, healthy (knock on wood, the flu is going around), I have wonderful people in my life. I just need to focus on being happy about everything and with what I do have. And not taking things for granted. That is my overall lesson of the day, in case you couldn’t tell with my coat metaphor. So here we go, with life. Oh, and since it’s officially been over a year since I’ve started my blog, I may not make another Year In Review blog, but here’s some of my new years resolutions:

Smile more

Cherish the little things

Pray every single day for the things and the people I have in my life

Be happy

Procrastinate Less

Write more

Run more (that one’s a doozy)

Easy enough, right? We’ll see.

Off to do homework, because I’m not procrastinating remember? Oh wait, it’s due tomorrow. Hey it’s only been two weeks into the New Year, I’m not a miracle worker.

Bye for now. 

Have A Little Faith

Sometimes in life, our biggest fears become our realities. We don’t know why these things happen, why they happen to us, why people choose to do things that they do. But at the same time, because of our fears and these things out there and people out there that can hurt us, we cannot hide from those fears and those people. If we hid from the world, hid because we’re scared, then we would never get anywhere in life. We wouldn’t experience love, happiness, warmth, family, we wouldn’t experience life. So we take those chances. We take those risks. We walk off of the edge and hope that someone is there to catch us. That the risk was worth it in the end. That you got the job. That you get the role you want. That you get the girl you want to marry. We hope. And sometimes we fall short. Perhaps just inches of what we were trying to achieve. That person isn’t there to catch us. You were one word off of getting the position you wanted. One point away from getting the award.

You took a risk and it failed.

We all want it to be that life. The one where putting all your effort into this one thing, this project, this goal, this dream, that one day you’ll get it. We see it in movies, we read it in books, we hear about it in the news. We don’t read about the ones that took the risk and didn’t get exactly what they had hoped for. And maybe that is a good thing. Because then it keeps us hoping, it keeps our heads high hoping and knowing that we can achieve everything we work for. But sometimes it doesn’t work. No matter what we do. No matter how hard we try. No matter how much effort, and strength, and sweat, and love. No matter what we put into it, it doesn’t turn out like we planned. Because our life isn’t how we plan to have it. What we want. Our lives are destined to be exactly how they will be. There is a plan. Maybe it’s not your plan. Maybe it’s not exactly what you’re dream is. But it will be the right plan for you, I know that.

And even if you do this. You take that risk. You put everything you have, your heart, your mind, your soul, blood sweat and tears, every little and big thing you have into something and it doesn’t turn out like you “plan”, that doesn’t mean you should give up. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still take those risks.

Make a new dream. Make yourself a new plan. Give yourself goals. Put effort into something again. Don’t’ let one failed attempt bring you down. You’ll get it right one day. It may not be today or tomorrow. It will come though.

Be strong willed. Have a little faith. Don’t give up hope.

Don’t regret trying for what you wanted. It just means that you have heart, and even if you didn’t succeed in getting what you wanted, you succeeded in living and showing passion for something bigger than yourself. And that takes courage. You took that step off the edge. And what will take more courage, is that even though that person wasn’t there to catch you, you’re gonna get back up, dust yourself off, and try again. I know you will. I have faith in you just like I have faith in myself and faith in the people that I love.

You are strong, you are kind, you are compassionate, you mean something to more than one person in this world. So be brave and keep taking those risks. Because one day, you’ll be so happy that you did. And everything you did up until that point will have gotten you there.

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.” 
― Voltaire