A Fish Tale

There's this rumor going around that if one drifts out of reach, that there's plenty of fish left in the sea. Well, pardon me, but I certainly beg to differ. Perhaps you're not a salt water fish, what then you have maybe an area of 50 to a hundred or maybe more feet of fish. Now how many fish can that really hold? Or on the contrary, maybe you're lucky enough to travel the swift moving current and meet a little bit larger bunch of fish as you travel in one way or another. And if you are lucky enough to have the choice of all the fish in the sea... Which sea might that be? The Red? The Berring? Or possibly all of the Seven. Well if I were a fish seeking another, I would prefer my smorgasbord be a pick of all in the ocean. Any ocean in particular. Since the seas lie within the oceans. But even then, I would still have my limitations. What with age, gender, size, species. I'm sure that would still leave me a sizable group to choose from. But I'm not the fish in this scenario. However there was one in particular I was looking for. After using up nearly all of my bait, breaking hook after hook after hook. Spinners, sparkly and dangly things. Shiny. Some big some small. But never enough to quite hook the one that I not only wanted, but needed. Until the day that I cast my last hook out. An overcast day turned to storm. And anyone who knows me knows that I hate the wind and it ripped and roared. But after all that trouble, all that bait I used to try to hook the perfect fish. I couldn't turn in just because of a hiccup in the weather. Call it fate, destiny, luck, God's own hand, what have you. But I cast out the last of everything I had. All my chips in. And when I hooked that baby I knew it was the one. I felt it as I reeled as fast and as strong as I possibly could, knowing or not knowing that this could possibly be my last fish I'd ever catch. 

Only to my dearest and honest surprise, I wasn't reeling in the big fish I had been expecting. 

Somehow, some way, my line (lifeline if you will) entangled and crossed paths with another. Another soul searching fisherman with his life on the line. And I don't know what power was behind those crossing lines, but it was better than a fish that any river, lake, sea, or any ocean could hold combined. And the funny thing about it was, I was putting my hand into a hat that I didn't know how big, or that it even existed in that moment. Because what I ended up fishing for was not a slimy twitchy thing that you can find in any old pond or river. What I found was guidance, support, and love that no fish could ever in a million years provide. 

And when you have nothing left to give, why not give it your all? You might come out on top of the world being the most blessed and lucky girl anyone had ever known. 

I'm sure you've heard a big fish tale or two in your lifetime, and if not you will soon. But believe it or not, what I caught, was bigger and worth more than you'll ever seen in a thousand lifetimes. 

Enjoy It While You're Here

Wow. It will never continue to amaze me how faster and faster each year goes by. I continually think “there’s no way this year will go faster than last year” and at the end of each and every year, I sit here thinking the same exact thing: “did that year just happen?” FATHER TIME PLEASE SLOW IT DOWN I’M NOT READY. If only he would listen. If he was listening, I wouldn’t already be halfway through my college career. Sometimes I sit and wish my life away planning out how my career will be, my dogs name, what my wedding will be like, and how many kids I’m going to have. And at the end of each year like this I sit and wonder, why would I ever wish my life away like that? And each year I also think to myself that there’s no way next year could top this next one, and once again I’m proven wrong.

            Now let’s get to the real stuff: my sophomore year in college is over. Like the snap of my fingers. So many people. So many memories. So many changes. I have learned so much. (And not just in school.) I think I met more new people this year than the past four years combined. I’ve loved every minute of this year. (Relatively).  I’ve had ups and downs, but over all it has definitely been my most memorable year yet. But how could I expect less? With each new year I carry with me the new people and new things I have in my life.

            In this year I have decided what I want to do with my life. I had the best concert experience of my life (and touched Blake Shelton’s boot). I moved into my first apartment.  There are innumerable amounts of things that I did this year that I will hold on to forever. Although I will one day be excited to get out of college and into the real world, I know I’m not quite ready yet and I still have more memories and mistakes to make. School has never been my absolutely favorite thing, but I do enjoy it at times. Especially college. There is truly nothing like it. There are some things that I don’t like about it. But how could you not love living on your own without ALL the responsibilities of being a full on adult yet? It really is wonderful.

            Now after this year is said and done I have a few things to say and people to thank. First of all, to my family: thank you so much for supporting me in everything I do. I know that no matter what choices I make, good or bad, you all will always be there and have my back. No matter how many fights or what family drama is taking place, when someone needs one of you, you are always there for them. I love you all so much.

            To one of the best people I know, and my roommate for at least half of this year, Mags. Regardless of what happens you were always there for me. You are such a fun person to be around. I have made some of my best memories over the past two years with you. Between streaking the stadium and watershed, its hard to pick the best. But thank you for being a wonderful friend and roommate.

            And of course, you knew you had to be in here Bryce Jackson, since you’ve become just about the biggest part of my life and my bestest friend in the entire world. You are such an amazing person and influence on me. This year couldn’t have gone any better because of you. I have already experienced so many amazing things with you. New years, shooting shot guns, fishing, camping, I can’t get enough of any of it with you. I know that no matter what happens in the next few months, we’ll be as strong as ever. And thank you to your family for accepting me to hang out with them all the time. They are amazing too so I know where you get all of your beautiful qualities from. I hope in the next year we will still be watching Duck Dynasty on Wednesday nights and having my best friend always there with me. But just remember that I’ll support you in whatever you do or whatever decisions you make. I am always always here. I love you.

            I also must mention some of my other pretty-much-roommates, Ty and Chelsey. J You two rock and I’ve had so much fun spending time with you. Camping and fishing. At least I have someone who knows how terrible it is to have the twins ganging up on you. I can’t believe you’re leaving me next year Ty. I mean c’mon we just became best friends. It will be extremely weird with you not being here. But I know you’ll be in my life for a long time because I’m kind of crazy about your brother, so guess what, you’re stuck with me. Lucky you. I wish you the very best of luck on your new journey. I know you’ll do amazing things.

            I just can’t believe this year is over already. I feel like I should at least still have a few months of it left. But no, in a few months I’ll be starting a completely new year. And, like this one, I know I’ll make great memories and great friends and it will be an even better one, if that’s possible. So I’ll take all of these lessons I’ve learned, and memories I’ve made and go on to the next one. There’s no need in dwelling on the fact that another year is over. It is sad. But time is a forever-changing force that cannot be stopped. So the best thing to do is take everything you can and keep going along, because if you spend your time in the present thinking about the past, how are you supposed to make new memories to be remembered in the future? (this is some deep sh** going on right now, I know)

            Here’s a toast to the upcoming summer, the upcoming year, and all of the years to come. Enjoy it while you’re here.

An Ode to Something Special

You know what the best thing in the entire world is? Well I'll tell you.

Any mood, any situation, any person, any feeling you're having, there is at least one country song out there to suit your mood. 

Whether it's here for a good time and five o'clock somewhere, 

Or its one of those laughing till you're crying, gonna miss this type moods. You're girlfriend broke up with you. 

You broke up with your girlfriend. 

Gone fishing. 

Enjoying a beer. 

Lost a loved one. 

Making memories. 

Making love. 

There is literally not a song you can't relate to something. 

And it's so....so American!! What do I wanna play when there's fireworks going on the Fourth of July? Brad Paisley. Dancing at a concert? Luke Bryan's my guy. Expressing feelings of love? I go to George. Just want to have a good time? Jason, Eric, or all of the above. And that's just dipping your toes in the water of country music (Zac Brown).

If you just feel like sobbing your eyes out or having the roughest year of your life, there's always country songs to attune to your mood. 

If you got cheated on, Taylor, Carrie, and Miranda have your back. 

Country music has that good feelings, bonfire on a Friday night, baseball, fishing, woo your woman kind of attitude.  

The what I would call epitome of the American culture.

Obviously our culture has been frequently into rap, hip hop, techno whatever you wanna call it. I mean I like other kinds of music too but nothing compares to country music. 

Country music videos can have sexy girls in bikinis dancing in the back of pick up trucks. Or sexy tan men in cowboy boots, wranglers, with a cowboy hat on picking up lemonade on the side of the road. Sexy people without degrading words or explicit images.

Country music can talk about sex and making love without calling the girls bitches or hoes. My baby loves to "FISH"!! Who would've suspected ;) Yeah Craig we know you're not actually talking about fishing. Hehe. 

I mean I feel like I'm rewriting Brad Paisleys "This is country music" but that's essentially exactly what it is. 

Pissed off, hurt, heart broken, depressed, 

Utterly in love, having the time of your life, unbelievably happy in every way, out on the town for some fun. 

Every mood, every situation, I honestly cannot think of a time in my life where I couldn't relate what I was going through to a country song. And for me, it always seems like there's a new country song they play on the radio at just the right time when I need it. 

The other day being tickled and attacked while driving and Easton Corbin's "All over the road" plays and is perfect. 

Not only that, I can attach so many of my greatest and hardest memories to a particular song and every time I hear that song it takes me back. 

And then there are the songs that make me look forward to my future, and the ones that lead me to embrace my past. 

I don't just relate it to the mood I'm in either. 

A sad country song can turn me from the highest mood to bring me to tears. 

Or hide my tears and have me smiling, laughing, and singing along. 

Country music makes the city people want to be cowboys and cowgirls and the cowboys and cowgirls sit back and realize how good they have it.

It makes riding in a truck with the windows down epic. 

It makes me think of camping at the lake, fishing, drinking "beverages" (how dare you think that! I'm not 21 yet sillies) summer sun, being free and not having a care in life. 

In that moment when a country song plays and everyone sings along, they are all sharing memories and feeling the same things and different things all at the same time but just thinking about those moments gives me chills. When those songs play and everyone sings along I get goosebumps every single time.

Amongst the homework, the drama, all the stresses of life, it can put me in a memory, a daydream that is happiness at it's finest. 

It is my cure for any glum moods. 

It's like the fairy tale of music. If you want it to be. 

Each and every country song tells a story of some kind. Has a past behind it. Or a memory to come. 

And the best part about it? Of all music, it is the one that sounds the best of all genres of music when played live. No voice overs, no fake, just a man and his guitar (or woman). 

Country music is without a doubt the best thing in the world. It's perfect in all it's imperfect stories. It's simple. They tell you how it is. There's nothing better than country music. And that's why so many people are such die hard country fans. And even the ones that aren't die hard fans still show love for it. Because it reaches out to everyone. 

Every time I'm listening to a country song that just fits my mood perfectly I just want to share it with everyone and say listen to this! It's so perfect!!...I don't. Don't worry. People would go crazy if I did that. 

And you know what made me think of this? 

I was listening to the song "letter to me" by Brad Paisley and I was thinking about how much I missed the simplicity of being young and how easy it is and how much I loved being little, and loved being in high school.

How I wish I knew at the time how amazing it was that I could do whatever I wanted and how every little thing seemed like the big things. How I wish at that age that we could even comprehend how easy and simple it was, but there's no way that we can know that. There's no way we can know in the moments we're in what we'll feel like 5, 10, 20 years from now about this moment right now. 

And now thinking about this, thinking about how I'll look back on this moment and say things like "Oh remember those times in college. We were crazy. We were so young and life was so simple" 

And that's exactly it. That's what country music does. Each song, three or four minutes, does something like that and it's something different for each person. But it's something. Oh yeah, it's definitely something alright, like nothing else in this world. 

And that's why I love country music. Do you get it yet? 

Don't Forget to Remember

I have two things to talk about today. 

First. 

I was reminded of something today. I read something that someone said about if you repeat something over and over again it loses it's meaning. And then I think about all of the things that I do in my every day life and when I first started doing them they were so exciting. I'm even thinking back to when I first started getting to pick out what clothes I wore for the day. How happy I was when I got to do that, when I got the freedom to choose what I wanted to wear. Now most every day it's yoga pants or leggings because I've grown lazier and lazier about what I wear to school. But I don't even think about that any more. And no offense mom, but I don't know that Id want you picking out my clothes for school every day! 

And although that is just a simple freedom, it lost its meaning to me because I do it so often. 

And even now, after living on my own (outside of a dorm) it's only been almost 8 months and I don't even think about it anymore. At first it was so exciting, it was like I was having a sleepover every night at someone else's place, but now it's just "eh". I mean I don't even think about it. 

And I don't want the small things AND the big things to become meaningless to me. A way I have been trying to be grateful for all of the small and big things in my life is thanking God for them every single night and asking for forgiveness when I do take things for granted. 

I don't want to wake up one day and get a morning kiss and think nothing of it. Because maybe one day I won't have that luxury. One day I won't even get the luxury of waking up. And that's inevitable. I was actually just thinking about that the other night amongst my late night thoughts. Of what it would be like if I didn't get to wake up tomorrow, if that day was my last day. Would I be okay with that? Will I have done everything that I wanted? 

I really take to heart the saying "what if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday" and I do thank him. Every day. 

But I still don't want things to lose their meanings to me. I want everyday to be like the first day I moved out on my own. 

I want every dinner I cook to be like the first one I got to (HA just kidding none of us want my first meal I ever cooked) 

I want every kiss to feel like the first. 

And everyone probably thinks something like this at some point in our lives but then it becomes distant like a lot of those New Years resolutions we make every year. 

But maybe it doesn't have to be. 

It only takes a second or two to think about how wonderful something is. 

Or even those things that aren't so wonderful anymore like deciding what to wear. You could think about how happy you are to get to choose to wear yoga pants when your mom might have wanted you to wear a dress or something uncomfortable. 

It's not going to be every single thing I do every single day. But a few things I do every single day. The important things that might not always seem that important. 

Nothing is forever. 

Second. 

Speaking of taking things for granted. It doesn't occur to me every time I think about the future how lucky I am. 

When I think about who I'm going to marry I don't have to worry about where I am ALLOWED to get married or difficulties I might have to go through. I think about what my dress will look like and who is on the invited list and which crazy family members who need to be monitored by the bar. 

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I'm not saying that you have to support gays and lesbians. It's your choice on how you feel. But how unhappy would you be if you couldn't be joined for life with the one you love because of how people felt about your spouse choice? 

We live in the most free and forgiving place. It may not always seem that way, and in some ways it actually isn't that way. But why when we have so many controlled things already, control something that we can choose to free? 

I know it's frustrating when people don't feel the same way that you do, but that doesn't make it fair to take something away from them. At least in this case. It's frustrating for me too, because I always try to see both sides of a story but I really feel that people are just preventing others from being happy when it hardly involves them at all. 

We're all people. We all have feelings. Take others into consideration. And be grateful for what you have. 

What I want to be when I grow up

I feel like every time I'm writing in my blog now it's about change and uncertainties and certainties and things along those lines. But I feel like at this point in a persons life you are already going through so many changes physically and mentally. I mean, sure, there are things that I know are solid, like family and friends. I know that when I come out of college it's going to be with SOMETHING. I just don't know what. When I was five I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was in middle school I wanted to play beach volleyball. When I was in high school I wanted to be in high school for the rest of my life. At the end of high school I wanted to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. At the beginning of this year I wanted to be a writer (that never went away but I didn't think I was a good enough one). At the end of last semester I was going to be an English major and then maybe be a teacher afterwards. Then I wanted to just be an English teacher. Now once again I don't know. I did some teacher shadowing and I liked the look of it but I don't know if I want to do the same thing over and over again. I would love to be a journalist but I just don't know if my writing is quality enough or if it will ever get to that point. And at the end of this semester is when I'm supposed to be declaring my major and I don't even know what I'm going to do. I think I'm just afraid of making a final decision because, well, it's final. I know I need to decide. But I'm encountering that question in my life once again: what do I want to be when I grow up? I know things that I want. Like a family, children, I want to be able to have time with my family and not have to always choose work over family. I don't care about being rich but I want a stable life. I wish they paid you to be a soccer mom! (Although I don't like soccer, I'm thinking more like baseball-football-basketball in the case of boys). That would be ideal. But I hear that the whole mom business costs more than it pays (financially of course). In love and happiness being a mom I'm sure definitely pays more. 

I know I can't just be a professional student either. As much as I love constant stress from studying and homework. That costs too much to be worth it. So I don't exactly have the time to be one of those. 

What am I good at? What do I like to do? 

I like to be outdoors. I like kids. I like reading and writing. I like meeting new people my age. 

What am I good at? Rambling on in my blogs. I'm good at reading and researching (if some girl starts talking to my boyfriend you bet your ass I can find out who she is what she does if she's single where she's from, etc). So maybe I could be a good journalist. I don't know?!!! I'm so lost and stressed because if I don't want to be a teacher, well I'd still have many classes to take for it but I will also be behind in com classes for journalism. Lets just say that I'm definitely not finishing in four years. Jeez. What the heck am I going to do?! I know that I'll never be a Shakespearian researcher. I'm done with that guy. Yikes. 

It's frustrating. I know I don't want to work a minimum wage job. I'm not good at the one I had haha. 

God. I thought I had it all figured out for a solid two months. How comforting was that? But at least I got a taste of what it's like before I got too deep into it. But the question still remains: what do I want to be when I grow up? 

I wish someone had the answers for me. But no one does. Not even me. 

And it's frustrating but I know that things have a way of falling into place. But I also know that I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I need to make choices that will affect my life. 

And therein lies the problem. I don't want to have a career that I don't love or at least enjoy. 

But I don't know what I'm good at AND would enjoy. 

So many questions and decisions to answer and make. 

And I might be making a huge decision at the end of this year which in itself would be changing my life drastically. 

So I guess we will just see what happens. 

I know big changes are about to happen so all I can do is just learn to embrace and accept them and make the most of whoever I'm with and whatever I'm doing and be happy. 

Free Falling

How funny life is. One moment you think you have everything planned out exactly as you expect it to go, and the next, you have no idea what you're going to do, where you're going to go, or what will happen to your future. You don't even know enough to make any concrete plans of any kind. One day, one decision, or even one person can turn your whole world around. It's almost as though you're on the roller coaster ride of your life but there aren't just the ups and downs, at this point you've completely derailed the track. You see the tracks on the other side but you don't know if you'll make it or how to even attempt getting there. You still see the future you want, but the path to get there has changed. It has changed by a combination of fate, decision, and that faith that you can't see or touch but can feel and trust in your heart. People will question your decisions your judgement, that faith that you have. At times you may even second guess yourself. But then you remember why you made the choice to believe in something beyond yourself and to have faith in something that questioned everything you had known up until that point. You realize that no matter what happens, no matter what path or track you get on, there are two seats in that cart for a reason. You're not doing it alone. That faith you have is in someONE not something. And not only that, there are those carts behind you filled with family and friends that support your every decision regardless of how crazy or reckless it might be. They're in your life for the long haul. So, as scary as it may be, as uncertain as you are, hang on tight or throw your hands in the air, because either way you're gonna keep going and you're gonna get there one way or another. It might be a bumpy ride, but it'll be new and fun and maybe the best experience and decision you've ever made. You won't know till you get there but the trip is the exciting part. 

So I'm off the tracks, if you're with me or if you're not. One hand in the air and one hand in his. Don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. But I have faith, love, and support and that's all I'll ever need. 

Here I Go

I'm sorry if I've offended. It's not you but it's me. It seems I'm better off. I'm a better person you see. We had our fun. We spent some time. You say, get on with this stupid rhyme. You have changed and so have I. I'm not here to please. I asked God to please rid me of my enemies. And then I started losing friends. I will pick up the pieces and move on with my life, as should you. It may be better off this way. You influence me poorly. And then I treat you poorly. We're no good together you see? We were thrown together with vodka and loss. I'm not yours to boss around. I have my own life to live. We must be the change we want to see in our lives. I see a change, so I'm changing myself. If you don't fit it's not my fault. Maybe this is blunt, but I'm not rolling any. You are. I'm better off without. Without this without that. Without you? I guess we'll find out. This is no joke. This is no pun. This game were playing, I'm done. Your words are simply a reflection of what you see not just me. You say, step into my shoes, but have you of mine? I do not think so. So judge not unless you plan to be the image of perfection for the rest of your life. Now here I go to live mine.