Only Words

And in a second, everything changes. The words come out of your mouth as they pour into my mind. Spine-tingling, mind-numbing words. So many words but nothing to say. Everything you (or I) thought before is now seen from a new perspective. Not the same. Will never be the same. Forever changed and unchangeable. These words, the words that are so hard to get out will mean nothing to you but are trapped in me. The only way I can get them out is here. Here and now. Even so, they might not make sense to me later. How can something so evolutionary, so normal, be so complex and so out-of-this-world. I am not asking you. I am telling you. Not just one thing is changing in one life. Everything changing. Every life. 

On that day, that one little flame set the world on fire. Uncontrollable, untameable, unstoppable. Not that there was anyone there to stop it. It was inevitable. Destiny? I wouldn't go that far. But is not everything in our life already decided? There may be a divine soul out there choosing our fate right now. Who lives. Who dies. Deciding the change. Is our fate set from the start or does it change as we go along. 

I find myself frequently looking up at the stars. Looking up or looking at. Sometimes even I do not know. What do I feel? What am I supposed to feel? Right now I feel selfish. I also feel that non explainable sense when you realized a change has taken place and you want to go back to where you started. Feeling almost helpless because you know that you are not intelligent enough to come up with a way to change it back or to go back in time. To youth. Yes, I am still in my youth but being pulled at a remarkable speed out of it. Unfair. That is what I want to call it. Unfair seems to be the proper word but it is not. But the word we are looking for is not "unfair", as much as we want it to be. It would be much easier that way, would it not? But we all know what that word is. That ten letter word that we hate to hear, love to prove wrong, and cry because we know it is true. 

Impossible

They tell us no thing is impossible. No feat. No task. No wish is impossible if we just set our minds to it. They were right. Because in my mind, no thing is impossible. But outside of my mind it seems, sometimes, that everything is impossible. 

So with all of this, what do we know? What do we have? And what can we do?
We know a change has occurred. This change is irreversible and it is forever changed.
We have life, we have love, we have one another. 
And the hardest one: what can we do?
We can take many paths with this one.
We can accept this change as a gift, as a choice, as a fate.
We can accept it.
And the latter. We can not accept it.

What do I want to do? I have yet to decide. Of course I do not want to accept it. Whoever, divine being or human being. Whatever, whoever caused this. This change. I do not want to accept it. Unfair. Unfair. Unfair. 
Impossible. Change. Acceptance. 
In time you need to accept things as they come, as they are. I am still working on that part. With everything in my life. It is always hard to accept change. Eventually it will happen. Right? I can only hope.

But until then, I will be here, writing, thinking, unaccepting of these difficult changes. Thinking, wishing, hoping for those impossibilities. 

And they said no thing was impossible. 

I want to be

I've been thinking so much about time lately because I feel like I have a shortage of it and I also feel like it's running out. I don't know why I feel this way because I know, unless tragedy strikes, time will not run out. But my time here in this place will. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't want to grow up! Don't make me do it! Mom, I mean Santa, I will give back all of the Christmas presents you ever gave me if I can just go back and enjoy my childhood. It's so unfair the way our minds work. When we're young, all we want to do is grow up and be older and we just wish time away. But before we can realize that we need to enjoy what we have, it's too late. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my childhood because I sure as hell did. But I'm not saying I didn't wish to be older or to grow up faster either. I want to be in the double digits. I want to be old enough to ride the big rides. I want to be a teenager. I want to be able to see R rated movies. I want to be 16 and have my license and drive. I want to be an adult so I am allowed to buy lotto tickets that I don't want and cigarettes that I won't smoke. I want to be 20. I want to be 21 and be able to buy my own alcohol. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I want to be able to cry in public when I'm unhappy and people don't give me weird looks, they just look at my parents weird. I want to be able to run into my parents' room and cuddle up in bed with them when I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night. I want my mom to tell me to cover my eyes when there's a kissing scene on a tv show or movie. I want my mom to make me soup and bring me juice in bed when I'm not feeling good. I want my mom to tie my shoes for me because I just can't get the bunny ears down. I want my parents to call a baby sitter so we can order pizza and watch semi scary movies while they go out to dinner and enjoy a night away from home without the kids. I want to carve pumpkins and decorate eggs and have an Easter egg hunt the next morning and find the Easter bunny left me a basket outside my door. I want to set out cookies and milk for Santa and try to stay up all night to see him, only to fall asleep ten minutes after I'm in bed. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I don't want to pay bills and cook for myself and figure out how to do taxes or take my car to get fixed. 

"I wish I knew then what I know now" 9 words that could never be more real than anything in the world but mistaken for humor more often than anything. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Wish our lives away. I know when we're kids we don't really understand it, but why can't we? Why can't we wait so much to just grow up, only realizing it's not what we wanted once we get there? 

I know there are so many good things in life coming up. I know that being a kid isn't the only part of your life where you can be carefree and happy. But I miss it. I miss it so much. Playing outside with my friends until it's dark. Playing hide and go seek (oh wait, I still do that). 

It's weird because when I think about it, my mind makes me feel like I'm going back to it someday. Like oh yeah I miss it, but we'll be back there someday soon and I can't wait. It's such an odd feeling. And knowing that you can't go back. 

I'm sorry future but I'm not ready for you yet. You can take back by big girl horizontal ID, my ability to gamble (or inability because I'm terrible at it). You can take back my license (or all of them since I lost quite a few), my learners permit, my teenage level of coolness, my double digits, my understanding of Santa, (he does exist) and the toothfairy and the Easter bunny. Take it all back so I can be a little kid again. Riding that big wheel like it's nobody's business. 

Have you ever thought of the idea that life has already happened for us and now it's just being played out in our eyes? That everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen is exactly as it's meant to be? 

I miss being a kid. I do. But I change my mind. Don't take it all back. I loved turning ten, and becoming a teenager, and having a surprise 16th birthday, and learning to drive on the pass from here to Montana in winter with ice and snow, and turning 18 and getting accepted into my favorite college of all time, and turning 20 and 21 and every day that I've had because it's gotten me to where I'm supposed to be. Here. Right now. With all of these amazing people I have had, and have right now in my life. All the mistakes I've made. Lies I've told. Truths that have hurt me. Words I can't take back. Kisses I won't forget. Memories that will live with me forever (except that I have short term memory loss...what was I saying?). I love reminiscing about my childhood and I miss it but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I know I'm walking the path that God intended for me and if he wanted me to relive my childhood, I'm sure he'd find a way to do it, but time travel doesn't seem to exist yet so it doesn't look like that's on the agenda of my life. I know I don't say it enough but I am so thankful for all of the opportunities and experiences that I've had in my life. I take it for granted sometimes, I know, but I love my life and all the people in it, good and bad, because they have gotten me to where I need to be and where I'm going to go. I am blessed. 

Life. It's pretty incredible huh? 

Tick tock

It is unfortunate that we humans have to live in the constraints of time. After all, time is a man made concept. There really is no such thing as time. In the non human world, animals and creatures just live. If they're hungry they find food, if they're tired they sleep. I know that as a society we need to have some form of control, and that's what time is. It's controlling. And so it's funny and ironic when people say "there's not enough time for me to do that", when really they have all the "time" in the world. Time never runs out necessarily. It's never ending but it feels so constraining. It's a weird paradox that way. 

I'm laying staring at the ceiling (and this phone now) listening to the ticking of the clock on the wall. If not for it, it would be silent. Maybe some traffic noise outside every once in awhile. But I can't stop the ticking. Can't get it out of my head. Trying to picture a world without time but I can't. 

I spend so much of my life waiting on time. Waiting for the next hour to arrive. Waiting for class to be over. Waiting until it's a reasonable hour to go to sleep. If I get up too early, I sit there waiting for the minutes to go by before I can leave at a reasonable time. Waiting for a text or a phone call. Always thinking about what a reasonable amount of time to wait for anything is, or to do anything.

I know there's nothing I can do about time because it's always going to be there, it has to. I only wish to spend less of my time waiting for a time. Just going and doing within the time that I do have. Because I know one day my time here will be up. And I don't know how soon or how far away that is. But I don't want to spend the minutes I have waiting to find out. 

Even though time is non existent, time is precious and valuable and should not be wasted waiting. Because if time were a thing, you wouldn't be able to stop it. Waiting doesn't do anything. Time goes and goes and goes without care for whether or not you want it to. 

It's funny when people talk about time traveling. Going into the past or going into the future. Yeah it was 1960 at one point but there's nothing there now. There's no time there. It doesn't exist anymore. Neither does any future time. Christmas is coming up but that doesn't mean it's there in the future. You can't fast forward to what doesn't exist yet. 

It's actually astonishing to think about time. Because it's just not possible. You can't stop or start or change or do anything with life. It's gonna just keep going. It's like if you were watching a video of your life. It would just play and everything would happen but you couldn't do anything but sit there and watch. No pausing, rewinding, fast forwarding. It's just going at a constant rate. 

And then it's weird how time feels like it's going fast sometimes and slow other times. My whole semester of math class felt like ten years but college itself has gone by in the blink of an eye. But life is just constant. It's just what you do with it and how you react to it is how it makes you feel. 

Even though it's hard to comprehend just know that time isn't waiting for you. It's not gonna stop in the great moments. It's not gonna fast forward through the tough moments. It's just going to keep going with or without you. And one day it'll go on without you. Don't spend time waiting for time to go by because it's going to anyways. 

This non existent, human made concept of time is never going to stop for you. 

Closed

It is an unfortunate state of mind to be in as one of uncertainty. You think you know one day and the next you don't. It goes back and forth like that for months but what can come of it? If you don't know what you want you cannot expect others to try to figure it out for you. Even God himself has a plan for you yet cannot be responsible all the time for knowing what you want, especially if you don't even know. 

I want a real love. A great love. I want to be head over heels, crazy about someone. I want to share all of my deepest secrets and share some amazing intellectual connection and new experiences together. I want an imperfectly perfect love. I'm truly a hopeless romantic on most days. And  on most days I think a love like this can happen. But I can't have that. Why you may ask. Because there was a point where I thought I found it. Was so sure of it for a period of time. And for that period of time it was great. How wrong I was. How did I get it so wrong? How could I be so unbelievably blind for so long? 

I just don't understand how a person could go that length of time thinking that they are with the right person and be utterly and completely wrong. And why it took so long to realize it. Where were those supposed signs to know that somewhere along the lines this isn't right for me?

So why in the world would I ever want to put myself through that again? Because what if I thought I was with the right person again but it took 10 years instead of 2 to realize it? What then? How does one ever even know when they're with "the one"? People say "Oh you'll just know". Well that's some bs because I thought I "knew" but I've never been more wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't experience good things and didn't learn from it, but I was most certainly wrong in my thinking. So how can I ever trust my instincts, intuition, gut, heart, head, any of it to tell me when I'm with the one? Maybe I'm one of those people that doesn't have the one out there for them. I don't like being alone so that would be hard for me. Maybe that's the lesson I need to learn. To like being alone. I'm good at being alone but I don't like it. 

And it doesn't even matter now if there is the right one out there for me because I'll likely not ever let myself get to that point to even begin finding out. My heart is too guarded. So "the one" could be walking by me but I push them away because I don't trust myself or anyone else when it comes to my heart anymore. And that is such an unfortunate thing. It really is. Because I want to experience that. That's the hardest thing. I want it so bad. People may think it's crazy, not being long from a previous relationship yet still wanting to be in love. Well no I don't want to be in that same relationship because it wasn't right. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Being single has its perks but what could be better than being with someone you love and/or are in love with? What is truly better than love?

Again, it doesn't matter now though because all the hope there is really gone because how do you get over not trusting yourself? You can work to have someone gain trust back from you if they've lost it but how do you gain trust back from yourself and your heart?

It's not like this is a new concept. It's not like I'm the only person to ever get love wrong and no longer trust themselves to get it right again. But no matter how many times it happens to how many different people it's still different for every person. We each have all of the other individual experiences and knowledge that play a part in it. 

And what's the point of even saying this if no one can ever understand your individual experience? Well for one, this blog is for myself, not anyone else. I don't expect people to read it I just post it because I can. 

But how do you overcome something like this? I know there are so many other hardships in life that one can go through and that each one is so significant to each person it affects. However, not a lot is worse than not being able to love or let love into your life. Or not trusting your own self to love. I haven't even thought about trusting someone else to love me. Because that's an entirely different risk to be taking, but to even get to that point you have to be able to allow that love into your life. 

So what now? 

Well I don't have an answer for anyone who is/has experienced something like this, nor an answer for myself. 

It's just an awful thing. 

Love can be the greatest and worst feeling in the world. 

I don't know

Mind wanders with aimless thoughts that keep me up at night. Heart beat irregularly fast for a Sunday night. And all I can think about is all that I can't do anything about. She smiles at you and you look away. The taste of his lips burns into my mind but is never quite enough. I don't want it but I want him to want it. To want me. But where does it go from here. Where does it end ever. Feeling too old but truly being too young to worry. They say not to take for granted what you have but what if what you have isn't what you want. Or need. How do you ever know if it's right. Is there really a right or wrong person for you or is the media and society just putting these images in front of your mind so that you're always searching and wanting and wishing for something more meanwhile never finding just exactly what that is so you put time and effort and money into things you don't want or need. They're stealing it from you. Giving you an idea, a concept of love that may not be real or may not exist and then you're alone. Always alone. Always searching.
And then there are those who have found the true meaning of love and what it's supposed to do and feel like. They feel the warm embrace of their imperfectly perfect other half day by day night by night lying beside each other knowing in their hearts that everything is going to be okay. No matter what job they have, car they drive, clothes they wear, none of if matters because they have the only person in the world who could ever complete them so wholly.
What about them.
Are they just the lucky few. The lucky few that didn't have to look far outside their doorstep to find that love and find it with someone who shares that same love with them. Are they the exception to this rule that true love is just a fantasy. Tell me then the secret to it. Please tell me because I don't wanna hurt or be hurt over and over again for the rest of my life searching for the one who is supposed to be there with me following our goals and dreams. Because then there are people like me.
Unrequited love is worse than any tragedy or war that could ensue in a lifetime. It's staying up late at night talking for hours telling your deepest darkest secrets in a whisper behind closed doors so that no one ever knows that you're giving that much of yourself to a practical stranger. Meanwhile the feelings are mutual and you get so comfortable and reliant on each other that you start to lose part of yourself and lose other people in your life along the way but that's okay because it's worth it. Everything is worth it for love.
But then one day you wake up and realize that you've only just been too reliant on this other person whom you love and cherish and would never in your life want to hurt. You lay awake at night wondering why your feelings have changed, why you have changed. How at one point in your life you see the rest of your life with that person and the next you see yourself walking alone on that journey. How is that fair. How do you explain that to someone who still sees you as the person to walk down the path of life with and get married and make babies and be happy together. Explain to me how that's fair. When all you wanna do is go back in time and remember why you felt all those things that you did so that maybe you can get those feelings back inside you like you could grab them and carry them into the future. But you can't. I can't.
And then you're a terrible person for doing it and all those connections you made over the past few years are shattered with one sentence.
And then you're forced with the choice of picking your happiness over theirs and your parents raised you to be selfless and always help others so part of you tries, tries to do the right thing but what is the right thing to do. I don't know.
I don't know I don't know I don't know. I don't know why this happened. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I want to or not. I don't know. That's all I can say because it's all I can think.
So what do you do. What do I do.

I don't know.

You Have Inspiried Me

Mindlessly scrolling through Facebook as I so very rarely do anymore, I was late in the realization of the loss of someone who I was not close to, but knew and always heard only wonderful things about him and especially his music. But this isn't a post about the loss of someone, this is a post about the impact one person can have on so many lives.
I scrolled through his Facebook looking at all of the prayers and RIPs for him. I read every single one of them. It blows my mind how SO many people had SO much to say about him, and all of it unique. It wasn't just surface level thoughts saying only "rest in peace man". They were all thoughtful and talked of how much this guy inspired them in so many ways. Even people who had only met him once or twice. And then I thought about what I knew about him. I remembered being at the park one night goofing off with friends and he was there, climbing on top of a post in the middle of a prickly shrub and I was thinking what a funny guy he was. And then I remember when his speech he gave at his high school was all over facebook and all of our friends were talking about it and then I watched the video of it thinking wow that guy has some forward thinking ideas. He's gonna change the world some day. And clearly he has, even if only for the too short time he was here. He accomplished that. Among other things I'm sure. The words his friends and acquaintances wrote on his wall really touched me.
It also made me wonder what kind of impact I have made on this world. I always say I want to be a teacher because I do want to impact lives every day. But that's if and when I do become a teacher. Not everyone gets a tomorrow. What have I done today to change the world or change someone's life? And I can't think of one thing. But then my mind goes to the idea, well not every person is going to change the world or impact a life every single day of their lives, they have off days too. What kind of thinking is that? That's like saying let me take a break from life today and I can get back to it tomorrow. No that's not how it works. There ARE people out there changing lives and changing the world every day. They aren't worried about relaxing watching Netflix all day. And if they are using social media it's to promote changing the world, not watching other people change it as they scroll through a feed. If everyone were to think thoughts like "Oh, I'll change the world one day..." nothing would ever get done and the world would be still. And that's how I felt today. I was scrolling through this guys facebook who actually changed peoples lives, and so many of them. What would people say about me if I were in his place? Oh she was a nice girl I'm glad I met her. RIP. She was a good friend. I'll miss her.
Not to be morbid because that's not the point of this. The point is that I don't want to wait for one day to change the world.
And this summer I think I've actually done more changing than I have in my entire life. My boss always says before every work session to go out there and change lives and that we do change lives. And I do believe that. But my students change my life just as much if not more than I'm changing theirs.
Although that's like almost 21 years of doing what? Not a whole lot of impacting. Okay maybe I can take off like 10-15 years for my growing up. But I'm all grown up now.
I do want to change peoples lives someday by being a teacher. But that's someday. I want to do more of what I can today. And tomorrow if I'm lucky to get it. So that in the possibility that I don't get to be a teacher in that some day, it won't have mattered because in the time I've been here I will have already impacted lives.
Nick Cashaw you have moved on to bigger and better things and you are STILL inspiring people like me who you haven't talked to in years to be better and to change the world. You're the kind of person I look up to and aspire to be like. You inspire people without even trying and I hope you get to look down and read all of those beautiful words that people wrote about you so that you know how much impact you've had on this world.

Cleaning up shop

So I've reached this point in my life where I have realized that I really only have time and room in my life for people who want to be in it and people that treat me right. In high school I was fine being friendly with people that I didn't particularly like because I knew I would only be with them for at the most 4 years and then I would never have to talk to them again if I didn't want to. But now coming up on my senior year in college it just hit me: if I don't want someone in my life or don't think that someone will be in my life for longer than college than why should I deal with it? I'm not talking about the typical friends of friends, or like my boyfriends teammates. Because I love them all. I'm talking like my real close friends. I'm not gonna allow someone into a deep friendship with me if I don't like them, if they don't treat me like a friend should, or if they don't really want to be a part of it. And I would expect anyone to do the same to me.
Now I only want my close friends to be those who I know will be lifelong friends. And maybe all of them won't end up being lifelong. Life happens and I know people grow apart. But I know I only want people who have the potential of being a substantial friend in my life.
So I'm not gonna put up with people not treating me the way a friend should. Or treating my friends poorly either or barging in on others relationships. And I'm not about the high school drama crap anymore. People need to be mature and communicate what they want. I know I haven't always handled things in the best way either but at least I've realized when I'm not treating someone right and am now realizing to not allow people in my life to treat me badly.
So if you're not a very good friend to me then don't expect to hear from me. And I'll expect the same from you. Some people just are not alike and don't have the same values and that's fine. So it should also be fine that those people don't have to be friends because they feel bad about leaving someone behind.

It's your life and you never know how long or short it's going to be so you might as well make the best of it with the best people who you love to support and who love to support you.
And I am truly thankful for every one that I have in my life who have stuck it out with me and become special people in my life.