I want to be

I've been thinking so much about time lately because I feel like I have a shortage of it and I also feel like it's running out. I don't know why I feel this way because I know, unless tragedy strikes, time will not run out. But my time here in this place will. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't want to grow up! Don't make me do it! Mom, I mean Santa, I will give back all of the Christmas presents you ever gave me if I can just go back and enjoy my childhood. It's so unfair the way our minds work. When we're young, all we want to do is grow up and be older and we just wish time away. But before we can realize that we need to enjoy what we have, it's too late. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my childhood because I sure as hell did. But I'm not saying I didn't wish to be older or to grow up faster either. I want to be in the double digits. I want to be old enough to ride the big rides. I want to be a teenager. I want to be able to see R rated movies. I want to be 16 and have my license and drive. I want to be an adult so I am allowed to buy lotto tickets that I don't want and cigarettes that I won't smoke. I want to be 20. I want to be 21 and be able to buy my own alcohol. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I want to be able to cry in public when I'm unhappy and people don't give me weird looks, they just look at my parents weird. I want to be able to run into my parents' room and cuddle up in bed with them when I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night. I want my mom to tell me to cover my eyes when there's a kissing scene on a tv show or movie. I want my mom to make me soup and bring me juice in bed when I'm not feeling good. I want my mom to tie my shoes for me because I just can't get the bunny ears down. I want my parents to call a baby sitter so we can order pizza and watch semi scary movies while they go out to dinner and enjoy a night away from home without the kids. I want to carve pumpkins and decorate eggs and have an Easter egg hunt the next morning and find the Easter bunny left me a basket outside my door. I want to set out cookies and milk for Santa and try to stay up all night to see him, only to fall asleep ten minutes after I'm in bed. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I don't want to pay bills and cook for myself and figure out how to do taxes or take my car to get fixed. 

"I wish I knew then what I know now" 9 words that could never be more real than anything in the world but mistaken for humor more often than anything. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Wish our lives away. I know when we're kids we don't really understand it, but why can't we? Why can't we wait so much to just grow up, only realizing it's not what we wanted once we get there? 

I know there are so many good things in life coming up. I know that being a kid isn't the only part of your life where you can be carefree and happy. But I miss it. I miss it so much. Playing outside with my friends until it's dark. Playing hide and go seek (oh wait, I still do that). 

It's weird because when I think about it, my mind makes me feel like I'm going back to it someday. Like oh yeah I miss it, but we'll be back there someday soon and I can't wait. It's such an odd feeling. And knowing that you can't go back. 

I'm sorry future but I'm not ready for you yet. You can take back by big girl horizontal ID, my ability to gamble (or inability because I'm terrible at it). You can take back my license (or all of them since I lost quite a few), my learners permit, my teenage level of coolness, my double digits, my understanding of Santa, (he does exist) and the toothfairy and the Easter bunny. Take it all back so I can be a little kid again. Riding that big wheel like it's nobody's business. 

Have you ever thought of the idea that life has already happened for us and now it's just being played out in our eyes? That everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen is exactly as it's meant to be? 

I miss being a kid. I do. But I change my mind. Don't take it all back. I loved turning ten, and becoming a teenager, and having a surprise 16th birthday, and learning to drive on the pass from here to Montana in winter with ice and snow, and turning 18 and getting accepted into my favorite college of all time, and turning 20 and 21 and every day that I've had because it's gotten me to where I'm supposed to be. Here. Right now. With all of these amazing people I have had, and have right now in my life. All the mistakes I've made. Lies I've told. Truths that have hurt me. Words I can't take back. Kisses I won't forget. Memories that will live with me forever (except that I have short term memory loss...what was I saying?). I love reminiscing about my childhood and I miss it but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I know I'm walking the path that God intended for me and if he wanted me to relive my childhood, I'm sure he'd find a way to do it, but time travel doesn't seem to exist yet so it doesn't look like that's on the agenda of my life. I know I don't say it enough but I am so thankful for all of the opportunities and experiences that I've had in my life. I take it for granted sometimes, I know, but I love my life and all the people in it, good and bad, because they have gotten me to where I need to be and where I'm going to go. I am blessed. 

Life. It's pretty incredible huh?