Quicksand

And along the way I found myself.

Or at least that’s what I’m hoping to tell myself a year, five years, ten years from now. Because right now, I have no idea who I am or where my life is going to lead. There comes a point in your life where things seem to fall together nicely. This, is not that point. Things can fall apart just as quickly as they can fall together. I’m stuck. In quicksand. Life is pulling me down second by second and I’m not sure if I should hang on for the ride or pull myself out and into some direction. I can feel the sand soaking up my body limb by limb and working its way up my spine, arms tingling from the heat of the burning pieces pressing into every visible inch of my being. Many times in my life I wished I had someone whose sole purpose was to make my decisions for me. It really would be an ultimate relief of stress. Sure, I might not get all of the things I want in life because who else knows me and what I want better than myself. But it would relieve me of the pain and torture of having to choose between pepperoni pizza or plain cheese. To be, or not to be. But of course that person’s job doesn’t exist, at least in my life. So I sit back and look at the stars trying to read my future in them. I was never very good in astronomy so the picture isn’t very clear for me. But if I look hard enough, I can see a twinkle in a distant corner of the universe that makes me feel like one way or another, everything is going to be alright. And if it’s not, that’s my destiny too. For centuries and centuries people, like myself, have been in a place, like I am, waiting to see if the sun will continue to rise day after day, even if I’m still not moving in any particular direction. Yet every morning, when I open my eyes I see light bouncing off the corners of the ceiling telling me today is here and I’m alive and breathing. No, I haven’t chosen any path. But I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth yet, despite my indecision. The air wont last, though. This I know. It’s only a matter of time before I succumb to the sinking marbles floating around me, washing me from this place. If history has anything to say about it, it is more than likely I’ll make a last minute cling for something, anything, to get myself afloat and to keep breathing. Just as drowning in water doesn’t stop your lungs from trying their very hardest to catch even a whisper of air. So I wait. Like the last second hail Mary decision that will set me in the direction of my next stage in life. I wait. Many of my greatest accomplishments were succeeded through a last second choice or action. The time will come when my stars align, when the buzzer goes off, when the sand tries to cover my last breath and I will choose.

Until then.

And along the way she found herself. Every decision in her life led up to this moment. The seconds ticked by as she swallowed and reached out her hand. She grabbed the fleeting moment using every muscle in her body, making sure the choice was hers now. She knew life wasn’t going to present her with easy decisions. Her indecision up to that point made her choices become the only things she could see. And through a cloud of confusion she emerged gracefully, not knowing until now that someone held her hand through the entire journey. It was never a matter of decision; it was just a matter of time before she stepped forward into her life. Time was the one barrier stopping her. As the minutes moved forward, she too moved forward on life’s path, step by step.

I Made the Right Decision

As my frustration with this silly EdTPA continues to grow and grow as the days go by, so does my affection for all of my students. Sure, there are days where whole classes at a time make me want to pull all the hair out of my head, but I can’t deny the compassion that I hold for each and every one of those frustrating, fun, funny, kiddos. The more I learn about them, the more I’ve grown to love each and every one of them. I honestly cannot say that I have a student that I do not like. There are a few students that I don’t know as well as others that I would like to get to know a bit more. But I was sitting at my desk in the classroom this afternoon, waiting for it to be 3:00 so that I could leave to go work more on this ridiculously long task of mine, just looking at the class lists. I had actually been thinking about how I need to take a couple days off from school to go to career fairs. Then I saw a schedule for convocations, one coming up next week, and I looked at the dates at the others and they were both after I would no longer be at Rogers working with my students and it actually made me tear up right there. I know that teachers leave their students every year, or I guess the students leave them. But for me, I’ve only gotten a little over two months with them and I only get two more and it’s just not enough time. And had I actually been working at their school I would at least get to see their faces in the halls on occasion and keep up with them and bug them when I feel like it. And not only do I not get nearly enough time with them, it’s also the fact that all 119 of them that I get to see every day are my very first class that I’ll ever have had so they will always have a special place in my heart over any classes I’ll ever have. The bottom line is: I just don’t want to leave them. And to be honest, there might be an option in my future where I don’t technically have to leave them for good, though, I don’t know for sure that it will be an option, and if it is…if I would take it.

My heart is just so full right now of all these amazing young people and I just wish I could somehow be there with them every step of the way until they are able to be out there on their own. And now what’s going through my head is that I’m really in for it if I’m having trouble just at the thought of leaving kids who have only been in my life for two months, what’s going to happen when I do have my own class and I’ve been with them for a whole 180 days. I’m gonna have a lot of heart aches. However, it is reassuring me that I got in the right profession for the right reasons when I’m wishing how I could just stay with them until June instead of finding an actual job for the summer where I’ll make money. Also thinking of bribing my mentor teacher to play “sick” for the month and a half that I won’t be there (just kidding…sort of). Well, I guess I should get back to working on my assessment so that I can pass it and actually become a teacher… Until next time. (Even though it’s been forever since my last blog, you’ll hear from me soon I’m sure).

I love our love the most

My mind wanders idly thinking about happy endings with you. The days seem longer between words that we share. One hour can feel like days. Days feel like lifetimes. But as we once again intertwine fingers and remove space between our lips, my lungs full with air again like I had been holding my breath since the last touch. Love isn't easy. But the love between us is pure. It gives me hope for the world and for myself. Like our love can wash away the sins and mistakes and all the bad there is in the world. The world can be scary, but with you it looks bright. It is a love that wasn't meant to be until it was. Any moment, any change of plan or thought, could have altered the future that we began to share. But somehow the stars aligned just perfectly so that you and I were brought together. The love of a lifetime may not always last a lifetime but that is what ours is and that is what I hope it does. 

I am challenged by you daily to be smarter, stronger, better than I am. To think differently. To feel differently. To see things and people and life differently. With you I am not perfect. I am not free of mistakes. I don't always say or do the right things. Yet despite all of that, you still make me see the good in myself. Because above all other people you bring out more of the good in me than I could even do for myself. When I think I'm good, you say I'm better. 

There is a lot of love out there in the world, but ours is its own and uniquely different than any other. And it's my favorite. I love our love the most. 

It's Been Too Long

For the first time in my young life I'm ready to accept the responsibilities of being a full blown adult. Of course, I won't have to completely accept those responsibilities quite yet. But I would if I could. High school and my childhood were both times I will never forget. The memories and the friends that I had made and still hold on dearly to. And college...well if you've ever been, whether that's attending classes or just attending parties or the bars for the weekend then you know how wonderful and fun and exhausting and challenging it can be. Especially Mike's on a Friday night in Pullman. And I intend to enjoy it up until the very last minute that I have it. But I'm ready for more than drinking to get drunk with friends on a Saturday night. Not that I don't intend on drinking into my adulthood because let's be honest, it can be fun. Heck, I know many people twice my age that know how to party it up better than I do and how to have a grand ol' time. And I hung out with several of them this past weekend. But I'm ready for more than living for the weekend. Because let's say that you live for 85 years. Of the roughly 31,025 days that you'll live, only about 8,670 of those are weekends. That's 22,335 days spent waiting for the weekends. And that's all rough numbers because it's not counting the younger years, holiday breaks, three day weekends etc. But could also include weekends spent working or doing things considered less than fun. So rough estimate. But even so, that's a lot of wasted time. And I'm not saying that you have to be a full blown adult to appreciate those days in between the weekends. I'm also not saying that every adult appreciates those days either. I'm just saying that I've reached a point in my life where I want to appreciate the days between the weekends as much as I appreciate the weekends. I'm ready to move past the studying and put into practice everything that each individual teacher put in all that time and effort to sink into my brain so that one day it wouldn't have all been a waste of their time. I mean that both in what I plan to do as a career and in my life as an individual citizen in this country. 

I look forward to waking up next to the same person every day who shares all the love that I share for him. Preferably with dogs laying on the bed as well for some slobbery kisses. To wake up to kids of my own that I get to teach all of my (still pretty limited) wisdom. (Don't worry mom I'm not talking anytime in the next few years). 

Whenever I'm home I get this idea in my mind, thinking about my childhood and being in high school and college, and I get this feeling like I'll be back there some day, to live those years again. And it takes my brain a second to realize that I won't be going back there. At least not with myself personally. And I think it's because that's all my brain knows and is used to. Every day that I've lived so far has been in school, for the most part living under my parents' house, and with limited (though some more than others) responsibilities. But knowing that I will not be going back to those younger days, I'm starting to feel like...why not let's get started on these ones that I'm living now and will be living in the future. On my own, eventually a house, husband, kids, bills, all the big kid responsibilities. 

Not to say I'm quite ready for ALL of that just yet...because I'm not. But I'm ready to move in the direction of wanting those things and not wanting to stay in college for the rest of my life. Of course I'll always want to learn more like I have been in college, but perhaps with less of the college-life environment. I want to explore the world, learn about how to make it better. Learn about politics and how things in politics truly do affect me. (People always tell young kids how politics affect them, but unless they really understand politics even slightly, it's hard to comprehend or believe it) (I know from experience). 

I'm not saying I'm going to go changing the whole world and everyone who inhabits it. But I did hear once that even if you were to go and move one grain of sand in the Sahara desert, you have forever changed the desert. So it may be little things. But change is change. And I'm ready for it. 

Now don't go thinking that just because I'm ready to live in adulthood and out of the in-between life called college that I'm going to be no fun. Many, many people, mostly young adults and children think that being adult means all responsibility and no fun. But that's not true. Your childhood and college years (depending on how long you get stuck there) are only a mere fourth or fifth of your whole life (give or take 80 years because life is unpredictable). The fun has just begun. And that doesn't mean it isn't going to be hard work. But it can be hard work that's fun and that pays off. And I'm not saying it's going to be a walk in the park because we know that's not all true. Life isn't a walk in the park whether you're 6 or you're 60. You can always have a complicated problem to solve in front of you no matter what age you are.

All I want to say is that I'm ready. Finally. I'm ready for it. 

Ask me tomorrow and you might get a different answer. But today I'm ready. 

If Not Faith Then Hope

One of Webster's dictionary definitions of faith is a "firm belief in something for which there is no proof; complete trust". And throughout our lives we are tested time and time and time again our faith. Our faith in God. Our faith in our purpose. Our faith in family, friends, lovers. Our faith in ourselves. To have faith in someone or something for which there is absolutely no proof, no data, no lie detector test that can prove that your faith in that thing or person can ever be proved to not harm or hurt you or betray you or be taken from you. No proof whatsoever. It's a wonder how anyone could ever have true full faith in anything. But that's what faith is. Not knowing but still believing and trusting. 

So what do we do when our faith falters? How do we ever regain that full feeling of belief? Without the slightest bit of doubt? In my opinion, I think it's difficult to ever do. You can have so much faith in someone or something but still have the tiniest sliver of doubt that you hide in the very back hidden corner of your mind and pretend it's not there but knowing that it is. 

I think faith in God is easy. Do you believe in God? Yes. But how do you know? I just do. 

Faith in humans and in ourselves even is so much more difficult. Humans are ever changing and growing and moving and shifting and feeling. You never know if you're gonna wake up one day and feel different than the day you did before. In a split second you could make a decision that could completely change the direction of your life. Humans are never constant, so inconsistent. And that's not a bad thing. That's our genetics our environment our brains. Everything about us. It's what makes us human. It's that thing that sets us apart from all other species and beings. 

So with all of these ever changing beings how could we ever have pure faith in them? As C.S. Lewis said, "You can't know. You can only believe--or not". All the time people have faith in the wrong things, the wrong friends, the wrong love. They have faith and their faith was proven to be wrong. Yet they still continue to have faith in something or someone new. Some people, not matter how many times they get hurt or betrayed or left, continue to have faith over and over again. That's true faith in humanity. 

Others never have faith. Always sleeping with one eye open, waiting for the other shoe to drop, never fully trusting anything or anyone unless there is 100% proof that it won't fail them. And others fall somewhere in between. 

I think I fall somewhere in between complete faith and complete lack of faith in the space I would call hope. Hope that one day someone or something will be the thing that I can put my absolute faith into. Hope that the faith that I do or will have in someone or something is not misplaced or misguided. Hope that someday my fears and uncertainties and doubts will be suppressed by my over arching  pure faith. "It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee."

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope" (MLK Jr)

Hopeless

Hopeless. That's what I am. 

An absolutely hopeless romantic. And I don't care what anyone thinks about that. Perhaps my idea that some handsome guy will come along and sweep me off my feet and we will fall head over heels in love with each other. And he'll look at me like all women want to be looked at. And he will be chivalrous and open doors for me. And kiss me on the doorstep. And not try anything. 

It will be a loyal, honest, fun love. I could care less about the material things. Just the memories. And the love. 

I know with technology and social media and the way dating is these days, along with the divorce rate... The idea of true love can seem bleak to some. Even impossible. But it's not. I've seen it. I've seen it in people who met when they were 14 and I've seen it in those who met in their 50s, 60s, 70s, it doesn't matter how young or old you are. 

Maybe it's naive and cliché of me to think this way.

But when there are 7,286,665,128 people, give or take a couple hundred depending on the second you look at the clock. When there are that many people in the world, how can there not be one out there for each person that is the person their soul longs for. 

And even if the divorce rate in the United States is 50-60%, I'm positive that the large majority of those cases are of people who settled on who they married. Now that's obviously not always the case, but I truly believe that if you're with the person you're supposed to be with, no person or circumstance could get in the way of those two people being together. 

I'm not naive enough to believe that love is perfect. I know it's not. Nothing in life is. But I believe in love. Messy, crazy, imperfect, amazing, beautiful love. And with all the miracles that take place in life everyday, how could love not be one of them? 

So you can call me crazy or naive. But I know, I KNOW that true love exists. And I hope to find it one day. Because love is what makes life worth living for. Not for every person. But for many. Everyone wants to be loved, in one way or another, whether they admit it or not. It's human nature. 

I don't expect it to walk up to my door tomorrow. It may be a long time before I find it, if at all. But regardless of if I ever do find it or not, I know it exists. 

And love is scary. Bearing your soul to someone, letting them in with everything you have. Allowing them to be the one person who can break you more than anyone in the world, but if you don't take that risk for the one you love, you'll never know. 

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Or so I've heard. 

Balance

When in your life is it okay to be selfish and when is it not? I don't think I've fully figured out that system yet. And I think truthfully it's because there is no system. (How unfortunate, I know). But there are times in my life when I just want to do everything for everyone regardless of how it affects me in the end, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I will many times take all others' feelings into consideration over my own. And then I get online and read articles about how "these are your selfish years" blah blah. But then, other than that, I've never really heard the term selfish used in a positive connotation. You never hear things like, "Aw she was just being selfish, good for her, I'm proud of her." No because I don't feel like there is a good way of being selfish.

Now on the other hand, how can you ever be happy if you put everyone else in your life before yours and never do anything that solely benefits you? Is your unhappiness (in some cases, but not all) worth everyone else's happiness?

I think figuring out when it's okay and when it's not okay to be selfish is one of life's more difficult dilemmas. 

And I think it also depends on the kind of person you are. Some people sway more in the way of caring only about pleasing themselves because I mean why shouldn't they? It's their life right? They should do what makes them happy. And then there's others who tend to be more people pleasers and are just happy mostly if the people around them and people they care about are happy. I'm more of the latter. I can't help it. I like seeing people be happy. Especially if I can be part of the reason that they are so happy. It makes me feel good. But then sometimes in doing so I kind of forget about needing to do what's best for me. Not even in a selfish manner. 

So I guess like anything in life, it's all about balance. 

Now the only trouble is, figuring out how to balance it...