Cheers.

What a year it has been. All of the things I've experienced and learned. All of the people I've met.

It seriously blows my mind how fast time goes. Everyone has those "it feels like only yesterday I was doing blah blah blah" moments. Here's a few from me. 

It feels like yesterday on the last day of junior high with all of my friends thinking about how great the summer is going to be and what high school was going to be like. (Little did I know I was going to Ferris not LC). 

It feels like yesterday I made the decision to move to Montana and start all over again in a new place with an entirely new group of people.

It feels like yesterday playing my last home volleyball game with my amazing team. And baking cookies (or buying) for every home baseball game and sitting in the dugout, trying to keep the book and being somewhat terrified of the coach. 

It feels like yesterday I graduated high school, and went to all of my friends grad parties and then having the summer of a lifetime before college and before bigger responsibilities set in. 

It feels like yesterday moving into my dorm, wanting to cry because my mom was leaving me.

Sophomore year feels like yesterday. Junior year feels like yesterday. The beginning of this last semester feels like yesterday. 

How can time be so constant yet move so quickly in our minds? I'm actually afraid to wake up one day and realize my whole life is behind me. When really, I should wake up every day knowing my whole life is ahead of me. That each day isn't promised. We know that. Yet we treat our days like we're guaranteed another. It is such a hard habit to break. 

I was sitting today thinking about how I'm gonna be 22 in a month. And all I could think was OH MY GAWD IM GETTING SOOO OLD. But how lucky am I to have had (almost) 22 wonderful years. Not that every day or every year was perfect. But I am so blessed for the days, the people, and support that I've had these past (almost) 22 years. 

And as we enter 2015, being no closer to 2000 than we are to 2030 (weird), maybe I should be making resolutions like get better sleep, stop eating pizza when you're drunk, stop taking off your shoes in public when you're drunk, maybe stop drinking. It's bad for your liver. (I really don't drink that much for a college student). Exercise more, procrastinate less. You were so close to straight As! One away! Let's get that this time. 

But no. 

All I want to do in 2015, is appreciate the fact that I am alive in 2015. If I can do that, all those other things will follow suit. Well maybe not the pizza. 

I love pizza. 

But I also love being alive. So maybe a little less pizza would do me good. 

I just want the simple things. Appreciate what I have and my life. Love more, worry less. Be nice to everyone, even if I think they don't deserve it. 

This is such a typical New Years blog and cliché. But what I never understood was what was wrong with being a little cliché every now and again. What's wrong with being cheesy (like pizza). Just kidding. Sorta. But I mean cheesy cute and sweet and funny. Like cheesy like the cheesiest cutest pick up line you've ever heard. That kinda cheesy. What's wrong with that? Nothing, that's what. 

I know I'm going to have my days this year when it just all doesn't seem fair. But I hope I remember this idea about life and how fantastic it is, and that it'll get better, even when it's at its worst. 

I just want to appreciate the life I'm living while I still get to live it. That's all. 

So here's to life...and to God for blessing me with it. 

What more could anyone ask for? 

Now all I can think about is how much has changed in a year. And how much will probably change over this year. Who knows what the future holds for us. 

Cheers. 

I'm not crazy I promise

It sucks, you know. Losing one of your best friends. And yeah, she's a dog. But that doesn't mean she was any less of a best friend than a human could be. Probably better than any human could ever be. We did everything together. You may think I'm crazy because it makes me cry thinking about not seeing her, but then I think you're crazy if you could never love a dog like a best friend. She was my best friend, my shoulder...or whole body to cry on. She was like my child too. I say she "was" not because she's dead or anything. Just gone. I should have fought harder for her. Especially after everything we've been through together. And the thing that sucks the most is that she probably thinks I abandoned her. I wish I could just explain that I wanted what was best for her. She's not a child, although she feels like one to me. But it wouldn't have been good for her to go back and forth between places. I was just trying to do what's best for her and because of it, she probably thinks I don't love her. I love her so much it hurts. With all my heart. And that is the sole reason I gave her up. You're seriously probably reading this, if you're still reading, thinking I'm out of my mind. But for a year and a half, her and I did everything together. We watched Marley and Me together about a thousand times. (Don't worry I turned off the ending for her). We walked and played fetch in SUNSHINE, 110 DEGREE HEAT, BLIZZARDS, POURING RAIN. It didn't matter. Marley needed her play time and I made sure she got it every damn day, I tried for multiple times a day, but if not, we played hide and seek in our apartment. She's too good at hide and seek. We cuddled...A LOT. More than I've ever cuddled with anyone. We went fishing  and hiking. We had too many fun play dates with Miss Korra, aka her best doggy friend. When I needed to just get out of the house, she came with and stuck her head out the window floppy tongue and all. She always ALWAYS helped me finish my meals. Her drool reaching the ground from her mouth was priceless. I cried so many times into her fur and she always laid there until I felt better. There's nothing quite like walking into my house every single day knowing that she was gonna be there in .2 seconds jumping and attacking me with kisses. 

She's heard more secrets than I can even remember. We, I mean I talked a lot to her haha. All the time. Full on conversations. Well one sided conversations but she probably understood every word of it and thinks I'm crazy too. I've almost lost a hand or two trying to keep up with her in tug of war. She likes to lay upside down, legs spread, mouth open passed out like the cutest thing in the world.

Oh and she knows how to take a hella cute selfie 💁👸.

I got to see her lay her first poop in the house half on the couch half on the couch pillow. Still love her to death. When we first got her, I slept on the hard kitchen floor with her for a week because I didn't want her to be scared or homesick. 

I cried the day we brought her home because I didn't think I would be a good dog owner and didn't think she'd like me. 

She knows my every mood and exactly how to make me feel better or laugh. 

There is NO better dog in this entire world than Marley Mae, I don't care what any of you say. 

I know she'll be okay. She'll be a happy dog with a happy life. But no one, no dog will ever replace her in my heart. And I hope no one can replace me in hers.

Dogs are truly mans best friend because Marley is the best friend I'll ever have. 

It really does suck. Like a part of me is missing now.

Oh and I know that no dog will ever replace her, but still, if someone wants to get me a puppy for Christmas to fill the void in my life, I wouldn't complain at all. I like labs or goldens. Just make sure to poke holes in the box. Well you knew that.
And here is a bunch of my faves.

Cycles

So I was listening to the song "fifteen" by Taylor Swift and in it she says when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them". It's crazy how in 5 or 6 years you go from believing every word they say, to questioning every word they say. I think the thing with boys is (and girls too) in high school they say what they feel because that's what they think they're supposed to do, and it is. But as they get older they learn to say what the other person wants to hear just to get what they want. And after falling for the lies too many times, even if someone good does come along, no one believes it. People start telling you if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And in most cases it likely is too good to be true. But we'll never know because we never give the chance to find out. 

And that's the shitty thing about love nowadays. It's easier to not fall into it because it saves you the trouble of opening yourself up to someone who could possibly tear you down. We don't like feeling vulnerable. We don't like not having control. Because when you give your heart to someone you're giving them control of all of you because you know and they know that they have the opportunity to break it if they choose to. 

I wish people would just say what they want. If you don't want anything, say it. If you want everything, say it. If you just want sex, say it. If you wanna fall in love and give every bit of yourself, SAY IT. But no one does. No one wants to be the sappy one or the vulnerable one or the asshole. It makes sense. I know it does. Who wants to be the honest one when no one else is? 

Life is this never ending cycle of wishing that things could be one way, but not doing it because no one else does. I wish everyone would be open about how they feel and what they want, but I'm not gonna be the one to open myself up when no one else does it either. Thus, the cycle of wanting but not doing. 

So if one day you pass me by and see a very large wall built up around me, just know that it took a lot of time and assholes to do it. It wasn't supposed to be that way. 

Only Words

And in a second, everything changes. The words come out of your mouth as they pour into my mind. Spine-tingling, mind-numbing words. So many words but nothing to say. Everything you (or I) thought before is now seen from a new perspective. Not the same. Will never be the same. Forever changed and unchangeable. These words, the words that are so hard to get out will mean nothing to you but are trapped in me. The only way I can get them out is here. Here and now. Even so, they might not make sense to me later. How can something so evolutionary, so normal, be so complex and so out-of-this-world. I am not asking you. I am telling you. Not just one thing is changing in one life. Everything changing. Every life. 

On that day, that one little flame set the world on fire. Uncontrollable, untameable, unstoppable. Not that there was anyone there to stop it. It was inevitable. Destiny? I wouldn't go that far. But is not everything in our life already decided? There may be a divine soul out there choosing our fate right now. Who lives. Who dies. Deciding the change. Is our fate set from the start or does it change as we go along. 

I find myself frequently looking up at the stars. Looking up or looking at. Sometimes even I do not know. What do I feel? What am I supposed to feel? Right now I feel selfish. I also feel that non explainable sense when you realized a change has taken place and you want to go back to where you started. Feeling almost helpless because you know that you are not intelligent enough to come up with a way to change it back or to go back in time. To youth. Yes, I am still in my youth but being pulled at a remarkable speed out of it. Unfair. That is what I want to call it. Unfair seems to be the proper word but it is not. But the word we are looking for is not "unfair", as much as we want it to be. It would be much easier that way, would it not? But we all know what that word is. That ten letter word that we hate to hear, love to prove wrong, and cry because we know it is true. 

Impossible

They tell us no thing is impossible. No feat. No task. No wish is impossible if we just set our minds to it. They were right. Because in my mind, no thing is impossible. But outside of my mind it seems, sometimes, that everything is impossible. 

So with all of this, what do we know? What do we have? And what can we do?
We know a change has occurred. This change is irreversible and it is forever changed.
We have life, we have love, we have one another. 
And the hardest one: what can we do?
We can take many paths with this one.
We can accept this change as a gift, as a choice, as a fate.
We can accept it.
And the latter. We can not accept it.

What do I want to do? I have yet to decide. Of course I do not want to accept it. Whoever, divine being or human being. Whatever, whoever caused this. This change. I do not want to accept it. Unfair. Unfair. Unfair. 
Impossible. Change. Acceptance. 
In time you need to accept things as they come, as they are. I am still working on that part. With everything in my life. It is always hard to accept change. Eventually it will happen. Right? I can only hope.

But until then, I will be here, writing, thinking, unaccepting of these difficult changes. Thinking, wishing, hoping for those impossibilities. 

And they said no thing was impossible. 

I want to be

I've been thinking so much about time lately because I feel like I have a shortage of it and I also feel like it's running out. I don't know why I feel this way because I know, unless tragedy strikes, time will not run out. But my time here in this place will. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't want to grow up! Don't make me do it! Mom, I mean Santa, I will give back all of the Christmas presents you ever gave me if I can just go back and enjoy my childhood. It's so unfair the way our minds work. When we're young, all we want to do is grow up and be older and we just wish time away. But before we can realize that we need to enjoy what we have, it's too late. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my childhood because I sure as hell did. But I'm not saying I didn't wish to be older or to grow up faster either. I want to be in the double digits. I want to be old enough to ride the big rides. I want to be a teenager. I want to be able to see R rated movies. I want to be 16 and have my license and drive. I want to be an adult so I am allowed to buy lotto tickets that I don't want and cigarettes that I won't smoke. I want to be 20. I want to be 21 and be able to buy my own alcohol. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I want to be able to cry in public when I'm unhappy and people don't give me weird looks, they just look at my parents weird. I want to be able to run into my parents' room and cuddle up in bed with them when I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night. I want my mom to tell me to cover my eyes when there's a kissing scene on a tv show or movie. I want my mom to make me soup and bring me juice in bed when I'm not feeling good. I want my mom to tie my shoes for me because I just can't get the bunny ears down. I want my parents to call a baby sitter so we can order pizza and watch semi scary movies while they go out to dinner and enjoy a night away from home without the kids. I want to carve pumpkins and decorate eggs and have an Easter egg hunt the next morning and find the Easter bunny left me a basket outside my door. I want to set out cookies and milk for Santa and try to stay up all night to see him, only to fall asleep ten minutes after I'm in bed. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I don't want to pay bills and cook for myself and figure out how to do taxes or take my car to get fixed. 

"I wish I knew then what I know now" 9 words that could never be more real than anything in the world but mistaken for humor more often than anything. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Wish our lives away. I know when we're kids we don't really understand it, but why can't we? Why can't we wait so much to just grow up, only realizing it's not what we wanted once we get there? 

I know there are so many good things in life coming up. I know that being a kid isn't the only part of your life where you can be carefree and happy. But I miss it. I miss it so much. Playing outside with my friends until it's dark. Playing hide and go seek (oh wait, I still do that). 

It's weird because when I think about it, my mind makes me feel like I'm going back to it someday. Like oh yeah I miss it, but we'll be back there someday soon and I can't wait. It's such an odd feeling. And knowing that you can't go back. 

I'm sorry future but I'm not ready for you yet. You can take back by big girl horizontal ID, my ability to gamble (or inability because I'm terrible at it). You can take back my license (or all of them since I lost quite a few), my learners permit, my teenage level of coolness, my double digits, my understanding of Santa, (he does exist) and the toothfairy and the Easter bunny. Take it all back so I can be a little kid again. Riding that big wheel like it's nobody's business. 

Have you ever thought of the idea that life has already happened for us and now it's just being played out in our eyes? That everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen is exactly as it's meant to be? 

I miss being a kid. I do. But I change my mind. Don't take it all back. I loved turning ten, and becoming a teenager, and having a surprise 16th birthday, and learning to drive on the pass from here to Montana in winter with ice and snow, and turning 18 and getting accepted into my favorite college of all time, and turning 20 and 21 and every day that I've had because it's gotten me to where I'm supposed to be. Here. Right now. With all of these amazing people I have had, and have right now in my life. All the mistakes I've made. Lies I've told. Truths that have hurt me. Words I can't take back. Kisses I won't forget. Memories that will live with me forever (except that I have short term memory loss...what was I saying?). I love reminiscing about my childhood and I miss it but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I know I'm walking the path that God intended for me and if he wanted me to relive my childhood, I'm sure he'd find a way to do it, but time travel doesn't seem to exist yet so it doesn't look like that's on the agenda of my life. I know I don't say it enough but I am so thankful for all of the opportunities and experiences that I've had in my life. I take it for granted sometimes, I know, but I love my life and all the people in it, good and bad, because they have gotten me to where I need to be and where I'm going to go. I am blessed. 

Life. It's pretty incredible huh?