War With Conformity

Maybe I'm fighting a war that can't be won
Am I being naive to the fact that technology is everywhere and will be everywhere and there's nothing I can do about it? Is it too much to ask to want the person I want to be with to have stimulating conversations and not just talk in between Instagram pictures and tweets?
I try to think of what people do when they're idle. Watch tv, but even when they watch tv they are on their phones. I think about what I do. If I watch tv I tend to get on my phone too. But my preferred idle practice is talking, writing, or reading. I guess I'm just old fashion. I would truly be perfectly happy without social media. But I can't be without it. Because if I don't conform to the social norms I'm out of the loop. I have no idea what's going on with anyone. I could give them a call, all of them, but who has time for that these days? In between school, work, family, etc. Nobody has time for a five minute conversation anymore. Even the person sitting next to you. Even the person who you live with. They don't hear you because their eyes are focused on pictures and words that are stimulating thoughts in their mind but that leaves no room for what you have to say.
Words are a dying act that unless they are on a 4 inch lit up screen in front of your face they are meaningless.
We can't take hikes or go on walks or do anything anymore without bringing our lifeline: the cellphone.
And I'm not being a hypocrite because I carry mine everywhere with me as well.
I'm just to the point of being fed up with it.
Unfortunately my annoyance with it cannot be simply stopped by cutting myself off from technology, or even just social media.
I receive emails constantly from teachers and people I work with.
My classmates message me on facebook if they need to contact me or ask me about an assignment (and I do the same)
I'm sure that when I'm in my career, I will be in constant contact with my colleagues via email, texting, or social media of some sort.
There is no escaping it. Yet I refuse to embrace it. I merely tolerate what I must. Conform with what I have to. Use what I need to my advantage. But I won't ever like it.
There are still people out there who just want to have a simple conversation. Some of them I know, there's only a few. I'm one of them.
I'm a person who wants to use technology to bring myself closer to other people physically. Not through seeing each other on snap chat.
Take pictures together and laugh at the goofy ones.
Watch funny youtube videos together.
Stay in all day and have a no phones allowed movie day and cuddle or cry or laugh.
People are losing their personable skills. They are being taught how to communicate with other people ON A COMPUTER. My PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS...guess what? All of my speeches I gave were online, to a web cam.
I live in fear that one day, this beautiful language that Shakespeare and Chaucer and even some, few, modern day authors have embraced and made it what it is, is going to turn from LOL, OMG, Like no way, into silence.
No one reads anymore for fun. If they're reading it's something they saw on facebook or twitter. Newspapers are practically obsolete anymore. The only person I know who actually reads it is my grandma.
I really admire her. Yeah she's goofy and weird. But she is literally the only person in this world I know who ONLY uses a cell phone for talking and could care less about what the internet is. I can actually just sit and talk with her about things.
That's what I miss most. Just having conversations with people about what's going on in the world. It's rare for me. I guess I'm just not around enough people who want to have a real conversation with me. And maybe that's my problem.
Maybe I should just conform.
But everything in me won't let me.
Why.

Addicted

I wonder why I lay here in uncomfortable positions for hours getting caught up in stories and the lives of other people, when I get mad at my boyfriend for doing the same thing by being on social media all the time. I don't crave to listen to other peoples true lives the way he does. They are far too boring to keep my attention. I crave the real (yet fictitious) happenings of people who don't exist, knowing very well that their stories will come to an end sooner than I want them to or can handle. And it's not even that all of the stories I read are so exciting and crazy that I want to read them because they are so much more thrilling than my own. Some of their lives are relatively mediocre like my own (though I love my life). I just love being in someone else's shoes with no control of what will happen to me or who I let into my life. The narrator is in the driver seat of my newly adopted life and I'm the protagonist or the antagonist, whomever the author decides to put in my mind. I get to live this new life as someone has written it but without having to (or getting to) feel any of the physical aspects of it. If I get slapped I don't feel it. I also don't feel the lingering taste of someone's kiss. But if the one I love leaves me or dies I cry and hurt. I get angry. I laugh. I feel giddy. I get every single emotion possible that the author wants me to feel. It's a rush. I crave that rush, those emotions, all those feelings. Without the expense of anything in my actual life.

But then. When it's gone, I feel empty and lonely. I feel devastated like I just lost every friend or family or lover that I have made in my new life. I want to know what they are doing at this exact moment or where they ended up. And the emptiness hits me when I have to tell myself that those people never really existed. Not in this life anyways.

Maybe I should start reading nonfiction. It might leave me less exhausted and trumped by the end of it. And I won't feel this emptiness that I do now.

Why though? Why do I feel empty for something that never really happened? My real life isn't empty. Or I don't think so anyways. Does it make me crazy that I do this to myself over and over again knowing that the same thing will happen to me? Is it my escape from my own world into another even though I know it won't last? Why.
How is this any better than escaping my world to drugs other than the physical aspect of it? I have the same type of high when I'm in the book and then when I can't get any more of it I'm at an extreme low.

You probably think I'm crazy comparing reading books to drugs. But if I use them the same way how is it any different? It isn't. Or it is. I'm not sure.

And tomorrow when I'm over this very temporary empty feeling, I'll be like wow Sydney you should not be awake during the hours of midnight and 6 am.
I couldn't help it. I had to finish the damn book. And I did and I cried and I'm sad and this is stupid but I can't stop myself from it.



A very easy and addicting and somewhat fast read if you're interested in tormenting yourself like I did. The Divergent Series by Veronica Roth include Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant. Also, the movie for the first book comes out in March so hurry to it.




Fuck. I need to go find another book to read.
(And sorry for the lack of blogs, just haven't had much to say for a long time).

To Find My Purpose

It has been forever and a day since I've posted any blogs. And it is not for lack of words to say. Or lack of ideas. Mostly lack of diversity or importance. All I ever wanna write about is how in love I am. How amazing love feels. Sappy stuff ya know? People don't wanna hear me drone on and on about it. Even though I could write a library of congress full of books about it. 

I have so many thoughts going through my mind that it is actually physically and mentally tasking to try to put them together in coherent thoughts that would make sense to someone else. And I don't know why this is. 

What has really been on my mind lately has...well it's been a million different things. Between starting a new school year and Miley Cyrus going bat shit crazy on us. I'm just not sure what to think. But does it matter? Are my thoughts being kept inside my head really doing me or anyone else any good? I know it's not doing me any good because its clouding my mind when I should be focused on school I suppose. 

What's on my mind right now is the idea of want versus need. I sit and watch a show and feel bad because some kid is being made fun of for how corpulent he is. Or another kid has to steal or sell drugs just to put food on the table and keep the electricity on. I tell myself, it's just a show Sydney, to try to make myself feel better and not want to cry about it. Not like crying would do any good anyways. 

And then it hits me. Obviously there are people out there with real problems like not having money for the bills or being bullied at school. And what can I do about it? I can't give them all of my money (which isn't much) because then I would be in the same predicament. I could stop bullying that I am personally confronted by but I can't stop it in the hundreds of thousands of other places where it's going on. There are so many things that I can't do about any of it. Sure there are little things I could do. Help build houses for the people in need. Start charities for people in need. But there's still always going to be more. And I know that's not the point but I let it be the point. And I think, but if I go do all of those things who is going to be the person to teach growing children about Emerson and Bronté and Shakespeare? I want to be that person. 

Now don't even get me started on the "I wants". With all of this going through my head you would think I would tell myself, Syd, you can do without those new shoes you really don't need them. Yeah, that sweater is gorgeous but you already have sweaters at home. You really don't have to use gas and money and go fishing when you don't even like to eat fish and you have food at home. SO MANY THINGS that I do that I don't need to do or buy that I don't need to buy. And I tell myself this and I think about it all the time. Yet no matter how much I think about it consciously, I still do these things. I mean I'm not a shopaholic and go crazy or anything. I probably take a lot less of things I want vs need than other people do. Yet I still feel so crumby about it. I know it's probably some human gene that makes us grow needier and needier, or something psychologically that makes us want more, more, more. But I genuinely feel sick about it sometimes. All of the things we waste and buy that are unneeded. And I feel sick that I contribute to that. And I feel sick that I don't stop myself. And I feel sick that I won't stop myself because its going to keep happening. I should feel a little proud that I don't waste all that much. But that's probably because I don't have all that much to waste. I have less things to take for granted.  If I had more of it, who knows I probably would take more and more than I need. And what sucks is that I'm saying all of this tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to wake up and it'll be like nothing ever happened. Why? I don't know. I'm selfish I guess. We're all selfish in one way or another or multiple ways. I just hope we can stop being selfish before its too late. 

I have to believe that at some point we will stop it otherwise this world is going to succumb into its own selfishness. 

And I have a feeling it will be the latter, unfortunately. 

I do not have a lot to offer this world in terms of tangible things of value. But I hope that one day I can offer it something far more valuable than money or material things. Something intangible. It may take me years and years to be able to do so. But as long as I can give one person the wisdom, change one person for the better, then and only then will this world be a better place because of me. Right now all I'm doing is taking everything I can. Taking in all of the knowledge that my mind can hold. And eventually I'll construct that into something much more powerful. 

That is the best I can hope for. I am here for a purpose and I know it's not to buy the latest accessories but I intend to find out what it is (and I'll probably take some unnecessary things along the way, might as well try to have fun while I'm at it). 

That is what I want AND what I need to do. 

Looking Forward

             So I just spent an hour, going through every single blog I’ve ever written because I swore I have written about this before. And in every case where it was almost what I wanted to say, it just wasn’t quite there. And then I realized, there are always going to be similar experiences in your life, but when you look back on them, you realize how different you feel each time. No moment ever the same. Because as human beings it is in our nature to change over time. To progress. To become the very best versions of ourselves before we leave this place and go onto the next.

            Tragedy strikes. Over and over again. And when this happens, we feel like we lose control of our lives. Because for such long periods we feel invincible and strong. Like we could carry the world on our shoulders. We feel this way, knowing all that we know about life and death and how quickly things can change. Why do we feel that way? Yesterday morning I felt that nothing could conquer me if I could just handle my day at work. And then you hear the news. And you realize how small you really are. That no one can stop fate from taking its course.

            When bad things happen, it reminds us how delicate life truly is. I said before that there are moments in life that remind us how thankful we should be of it. And this is one of them. Although when I said that, I wasn’t thinking of tragedy. But then I guess we don’t know what those moments that we have in life that will remind us to be thankful will be like. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Every good thing, every bad thing, every little thing, and every big thing in our lives is put there for a specific purpose that, although we may not understand it at the time, it is there to guide us to the places we are meant to go.

            So no, it’s not always going to be fair. Sometimes is drives me crazy how unfair life can be. Why bad things happen to good people. Why good things happen to bad people. There is no balance for that. And there never will be. God isn’t up there looking at a naughty and nice list per say and because John is on the naughty list, let’s have tragedy strike him. No. That’s not how it works. I try to think of it like this. Each of us has a path mapped out by God. He has a plan of where he wants us to go that will be the best thing for us. But of course none of us stay directly on path, if we did we would all be perfect and we’re not. But when we stray off paths, we run into other people’s, or they run into ours and it takes it out of balance. We cannot control what choices other people make so it is hard to stay on one path.

            The point is: regardless of how off track we get, in the end we will go where we were originally intended to be. And it’s not going to be easy. It’s never going to be easy. People will hurt you. You might hurt other people. Bad things are going to happen and we may never know why. But it is at those times, and all the time if you can, to look at your life, your past, your present, and what your future may hold and realize all of the blessings that are present. Yes, sometimes God has to make sacrifices for us. But he doesn’t just bring the bad down upon us, he is also the one responsible for all of the good things in your life. So when things do get hard, it may be tempting to ask Him, why? Why me? Or why did it have to happen to them? Because we may never understand His reason. We just need to say Okay this happened, now how am I going to respond to it? That is what attitude is. And if you have a positive attitude about life, then regardless of the bad, you always see the sun coming up on the horizon. You know that with each new day may bring new happiness, new blessings, new life.

            It’s not going to be easy I can tell you that much. But it will be worth it in the end. So keep your chin up, your prayers high, and know that there is a purpose for all of this madness that goes on down here. He is never absent, he is always watching and planning for the greatest things. Just have faith and hope. Today is a new day. So look forward to the new things it may bring. 

So Do You

I think daily, we are constantly reminded of reasons to appreciate this life that we are given. Whether it be a person, a response to something, or just a moment that takes you out of a selfish perspective to see the wonderful opportunities that lay at your doorstep. Today my reminder was an older man who came into my work today. He was very old but seemed very happy and at peace with himself. I, personally had been a little down on myself the past couple days. No particular reason. Well, maybe one. But anyways back to the old man and his wife. It was pretty slow in the restaurant at the time so I was just doing some deep cleaning trying to pass the time. I brought them their food. He talked to me for a little while about his family. He showed me pictures of his grand children and his great grand children. And then he asked me if I’d like to see a picture of his pride and joy. I said yes of course. So he pulls out a picture of two cleaning products, one with a label “Pride” and the other labeled “Joy”. I started laughing and said that was a good one. Thought about personally using it myself but since I’ve mentioned it on here now I don’t think it would work, not only that but I don’t know if I could pull of the whole comedic act anyways. As I kept working he or his wife would mention something to me. He made jokes about charging me for his food and what not. And I said I’m happy to be serving someone with such personality. To that comment he responded, well I have to be in a good mood, I’ve had over 15 surgeries in the past 10 months. I said wow, I almost have to have the dentist happy gas me just to clean my teeth. I can’t imagine that many surgeries in a hospital. Then he told me that in three cases they almost took his life. To that I said, well no wonder you’re such a happy person, you have so many reasons to appreciate and be thankful for your life. And he smiled and said, yes that’s right, but so do you.

            So do you.

And I really do. I needed that conversation and that moment in my life. I am a pretty thankful person. I realize and appreciate what I have been blessed with in my life. But sometimes you get so caught up in yourself, in your own world, and when your small little world isn’t going exactly as you’d like it to, you get down on yourself, and you forget about all of the good things, people, and opportunities that you have surrounding you. I try to remember to be thankful and say so every night before I go to bed. Just to take a couple minutes to think about all of the things in my life that mean so much to me. But then there will be days where my mind gets clouded with things I don’t have or things I can’t do and I’m misguiding myself. But it’s little things like that conversation I had with that gentleman and his wife today that bring me back to a position where I know how incredibly blessed I truly am. I love my life and I love the people and the things in it. (not all of the things and not all of the people [aka my batshit crazy boss]). But there is so little to be down about and so much to be happy about.

Like for instance how my WONDERFULLY AMAZING HANDSOME STRONG STUDLY boyfriend played in his game today. Regardless of the outcome of the game, he did so well and I am so so proud of him. Words can truly not express how excited and happy I was to watch him pitch. He has come so far. In all of the time that I’ve known Bryce, he either wasn’t in season for baseball, and when he was, he was injured. I know he has worked so hard, and has had so much motivation to get back to this point and now he’s healthy and doing amazing! So since this is the first time he’s actually played his sport, he can’t technically call me a cleat chaser ;) I just love him so much and am so proud of all that he has accomplished.

In other news in my life. Well there really isn’t any. Just enjoying summer and working. My mom and my grandma are going to come visit me in Pullman in a few weeks so that will be so nice to see them. Hope everyone is having either a good start or good continuation of their summer. I’m glad I have so many reasons to love my life and be happy. But so do you. :)

One day at a Time

Sometimes happiness requires patience, focus, and a lot of hard work. You would think that it shouldn't take effort to experience happiness. Well, it doesn't. It takes effort to put all of the bad out of your mind, take a step back, relax and enjoy what's going on around you. For some annoying reason, many of our brains are trained to think of the worst possible situations in any and sometimes EVERY situation. Maybe it is so that we as humans can no how to react in any given situation. Like, okay I'm happy right now but just in case the world is going to end in five hours I better prepare what I'm going to do about it. And if it ends up ending in 3 days instead, I'll be able to do this, this, and this. So it's not always easy to get out of that mind set once you put yourself in it. It's not always easy to look at your life and say I'm just going to be happy and whatever happens happens. I'll tackle the bumps in the road when I come across them. But no, for me I'm looking miles down the road trying to check for bumps that I can prepare for, even if there aren't any I can see. One might just pop up on me. Who knows. I'm not always like that. On other days I'm a one day at a time kinda girl. Just relaxing and soaking in the emotions I'm feeling whether they are happy or sad. 

And not to say that on the other days when I'm looking ahead the road that I'm not happy. I am happy. But it's like a multi tasking type happy where happiness is just one of the tasks on my to-do list along with anger, anxiety, hunger and sleepiness. And maybe that's the OCD side of me. It's like well I have this allotted period of time to be happy but I can't waste the whole day being happy because I have to fit stress over my homework in there somewhere. 

You might be thinking, wow, she's completely crazy. And maybe I am. But when I get to those days where I can just completely and utterly enjoy and soak in my happiness it is amazing. I wish I had every day to do it. But then the days would start to blend together and those days wouldn't feel so special. So yeah happiness might be on my to-do list occasionally but it makes me really appreciate those other days when I can let the happiness take me over. 

A Fish Tale

There's this rumor going around that if one drifts out of reach, that there's plenty of fish left in the sea. Well, pardon me, but I certainly beg to differ. Perhaps you're not a salt water fish, what then you have maybe an area of 50 to a hundred or maybe more feet of fish. Now how many fish can that really hold? Or on the contrary, maybe you're lucky enough to travel the swift moving current and meet a little bit larger bunch of fish as you travel in one way or another. And if you are lucky enough to have the choice of all the fish in the sea... Which sea might that be? The Red? The Berring? Or possibly all of the Seven. Well if I were a fish seeking another, I would prefer my smorgasbord be a pick of all in the ocean. Any ocean in particular. Since the seas lie within the oceans. But even then, I would still have my limitations. What with age, gender, size, species. I'm sure that would still leave me a sizable group to choose from. But I'm not the fish in this scenario. However there was one in particular I was looking for. After using up nearly all of my bait, breaking hook after hook after hook. Spinners, sparkly and dangly things. Shiny. Some big some small. But never enough to quite hook the one that I not only wanted, but needed. Until the day that I cast my last hook out. An overcast day turned to storm. And anyone who knows me knows that I hate the wind and it ripped and roared. But after all that trouble, all that bait I used to try to hook the perfect fish. I couldn't turn in just because of a hiccup in the weather. Call it fate, destiny, luck, God's own hand, what have you. But I cast out the last of everything I had. All my chips in. And when I hooked that baby I knew it was the one. I felt it as I reeled as fast and as strong as I possibly could, knowing or not knowing that this could possibly be my last fish I'd ever catch. 

Only to my dearest and honest surprise, I wasn't reeling in the big fish I had been expecting. 

Somehow, some way, my line (lifeline if you will) entangled and crossed paths with another. Another soul searching fisherman with his life on the line. And I don't know what power was behind those crossing lines, but it was better than a fish that any river, lake, sea, or any ocean could hold combined. And the funny thing about it was, I was putting my hand into a hat that I didn't know how big, or that it even existed in that moment. Because what I ended up fishing for was not a slimy twitchy thing that you can find in any old pond or river. What I found was guidance, support, and love that no fish could ever in a million years provide. 

And when you have nothing left to give, why not give it your all? You might come out on top of the world being the most blessed and lucky girl anyone had ever known. 

I'm sure you've heard a big fish tale or two in your lifetime, and if not you will soon. But believe it or not, what I caught, was bigger and worth more than you'll ever seen in a thousand lifetimes.