Straight Up Sappy

              So I think I must have seasonal anxiety or something because I’ve been having it recently and I did last year around this time too, only not as bad this year. Maybe it’s just when the sun goes away it stresses me out or something, even though it still hasn’t gone completely away but it’s about to start getting colder soon. I also am feeling homesick for the first time this year. Although I was just at home this weekend, I wasn’t there for very long. Just have a lot of stress piling up and I think that’s why. Just need to take deep breaths. That would help also if the air quality wasn’t so poor right now!

            This weekend I went to visit the boyfriend at CWU. It’s always interesting to see how different schools are. It’s like every school is their own mini community, even if not everyone knows each other, but more so in smaller schools, like GU, for instance. I do feel like I know a lot of people at wazzu, but I really don’t in comparison to how many students actually go here. I guess it just feels like everyone is so close because it’s a legitimate college town. Everyone here is all about WSU. And I love it. But I still like to see other schools as well. Still need to go visit the best friend at UW. Although it is my rival school, he is my best friend so I need to make the trip! But I give central a thumbs up. I liked all the people I met there. I don’t think I had ever been to Ellensburg to actually stay there. The only time I’ve been there is to stop for breaks on road trips across the state. But I liked it! It was a fun weekend! And normally I don’t talk about relationships or what not in my blog, which I don’t know why I don’t, other than the fact that it’s been a long time it feels like since I have been in one. But since it is a part of my life and I think about it a lot I feel like I should more often. I don’t know, I just don’t like to bore people with lovey-dovey things, ya know? I was really happy to spend the weekend with him, though. Him being Dean, if you don’t know him, you probably should. Really genuine guy. Nice to everyone. Everyone who knows him loves him. I don’t know why…he’s kinda weird (just kidding). Alright but so am I, so I guess that makes sense. Before him, I had sworn off relationships forever. Just ask my roommate Mags, she knows. And it was weird too, because it happened really fast. I guess that’s the way things work sometimes. You kind of just get swept up in it all. One second you are this person who despises all of those people in relationships (mostly because you’re jealous that they got it to actually work out, so props to them), and then all of a sudden it flips completely. I think some people think I’m a little crazy for it, because we haven’t known each other that long, and we don’t live near each other. Long distance, well I know its tough, but if it’s right, it’s right. I don’t want to be a cliché-y and say things like “if it’s meant to be it will be”. Sometimes, though, the clichés are right. That’s why they are clichés because we know that they happen, a lot. (On a little side note, I just found out the other day that the word “cliché” comes from back when typewriters were used and in printing presses, if a phrase was used a lot, they would make stamps with the whole phrase on it, so that you didn’t have to type it out, and the sound it made when it was stamped sounded like how “cliché” is pronounced, just a little fyi). On the other hand, I’m not saying I’m going to marry the guy. And I’m not saying I’m not. All I’m saying is, hey I just met you, and this is crazy…Okay no I’m not saying that either. But really, I met him, like him, may or may not have fallen for him, I like getting to know him, yes, he does live a ways away, but that doesn’t matter to me, I like the person I am becoming as I get to know him better and as he rubs off on me, and hopefully I’m influencing him in a positive way somewhat too. And I could say so much more, but I'll stop there for now. 

            Moving forward. I read another book. Surprise, surprise. But I have to tell y’all about it because it was fabulous. One of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom, has done it again. I wont say it’s my favorite by him because this one didn’t quite bring me to tears like some of his previous work. But I still loved it, and it had great underlying morals to it. His books, to me, are something along the lines of almost having religious meanings, and some of them do, but not too religious so that those who aren’t religious wouldn’t want to read it. If that makes any sense. They just have really great meanings in them, in my opinion. My favorite one by him is probably For One More Day, about a retired baseball player, who misses out on a chance to talk to his mom before she passed away and he regrets it and the story goes from there. You can probably get an idea based off of that and the title. That’s one of my favorite books. Oh and obviously, Tuesdays With Morrie, one of his more famous books, I balled my eyes out. Anyways, his newest book, I’m not going to spoil it so don’t worry, it is called The Time Keeper, and it is about where the beginning of counting time came from, who started it, and how it now affects us in life. But basically what I got from it, is that, although we all revolve around the counting of time, I myself have always been a little OCD about being on time, doing things in timely fashions (even though I also tend to procrastinate). But this story made me think about how we shouldn’t focus on time. We shouldn’t wish time away, or wish time to go slower. We should just enjoy it as it is. And I think that is a wonderful message that we should all take into consideration because it’s so completely true. Like just last week for instance, I was so freaking excited for the weekend that I was just wishing time would go by faster, and then when the weekend came it was the exact opposite, time could not move any faster, and I just wanted to stay in that time, and stop time. Even after reading the book. But now as I think about it. I shouldn’t have been focusing on time, and I wasn’t the majority of it, just at some points. But really, I should have spent the week thinking about how I should cherish what I’m doing and what I’m learning every day, and then the weekend, just cherish what I was doing and not worry about time moving forward, because it’s going to move forward, and fast, whether we want it to or not. Even when it feels like it’s going slow, it’s not. As I look back on last year, and the year before, they both went by so unbelievably fast. It’s almost hard to comprehend. So I just need to work on enjoying life as it is, and not think about it in terms of time moving fast or slow. I’m going to work on that.

            Sorry this blog was so long, and kind of mushy. I guess I really am into the mushy stuff, I just try not to show it, or bore people with it. And I wont do it all the time, just every once in awhile I have to show my affectionate side. Can’t help it. If this blog really consisted of what I think about every day, y’all would think I was crazy. So I hope you had a good weekend. And I must mention that tomorrow is one of my bestie’s birthdays, Chlo, so I hope you have a wonderful birthday and you are one of the bestest friends I’ve ever had. We’re going on eight years best friends and I don’t know what I would do without her. Love you Chlo! Happy almost birthday! 

I Do Not See You

               Well, well, well. Another weekend has come and gone. Oh my gosh it is already almost October. That means autumn! Pumpkins and leaves and apple cider and costumes and yummy smelling food and candles and fall decorations. I love fall. I’m so excited that it is…pretty much kinda almost here. It always reminds me of going to Green Bluff (those from the Spokane area know about it). Going through the corn maze, picking out the best pumpkins, carving them after pulling out all the gooey, yucky insides that turn out to be tasty when you cook it right. Scary movies; now watching scary movies is one of my favorite activities. Especially in the fall. So here’s what I’ve got planned for the next few months: School, football games, ABC Family’s Thirteen Nights of Halloween, baking, more school, the traditional Halloween nights in Pullman of dressing up, hopefully go to the corn maze and the pumpkin patch, more school, the Apple Cup, read a good book (or three), Thanksgiving—Pullman style?, cuddling in warm blankets with fuzzy socks with some hot cocoa when it starts to get cold, sleepovers with the boyfriend (hopefully lots), listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas movies, decorating my very first own tree with my roomie, more Christmas music, some school in there somewhere, finals, home, family, A Christmas Story marathon, more hot cocoa, sledding, ice skating, snow angels, Christmas food, lots of hand-warmers, snow snow snow. So that’ll pretty much wrap up my October through December.

          Now we’ll go with a little less light. I am burdened once again by the quality of the human kind (or not so kind). How many times in my life will I be struck with the idea that there are people out there who are stricken with evil and are unkind to others for no reason. There is no karma involved in this. Unless it be the karma that should hopefully hit them soon. I don’t know if you ever read one of my previous blogs about this, but not too long ago, my distant cousin, with whom I was not close with but I still knew him and cared about him, but he was attacked and killed and thrown in the river to die by his own friend. Now if you can’t trust friends, who can you trust these days? Anyways, this was brought back into my mind when I was told about two young guys who were jumped out of nowhere and both put into the hospital because of it. Not only that, there was a witness who just stood by and watched it happen. Now I did not know either of the boys who were attacked, nor did I know the ones who attacked them. It doesn’t matter. No matter how desperate you are, although I have a hunch that none of them were that desperate, you cannot do that. You cannot go into someone else’s life and hurt them or give them grief, or take something from them. What could possibly give someone the right to do that? And more importantly what would make them feel like they can do that? Like I’ve said before, I always, always, try to see the very best in people, even when it’s hidden or they pretend like it’s not there, I look for it. But my faith in mankind is slipping. And has been for sometime. It’s hard for me to look for the good in people like that, and in a person like the one who killed my cousin. People, seriously, you do not have to like another person, that is never expected of you. Some people you just do not like and I understand that. But there is no reason to ever not show respect for someone who has done nothing wrong to you. Do people even ever think about the consequences of their actions anymore these days? I cannot even walk home from a night class without being freaked out and calling my mom for goodness sake. Where are all of the good people at? I know that I am surrounded by good, generous, caring people in my life. How do those who aren’t get along in their lives?

          I will always try my best to see the good in every person. But for those who do things like this, who harm other people for no reason, take something from their lives, I do not see you at all. I don’t ever want to see you. My vision need not be hindered by those who have no respect for others and no respect for themselves. But I’ll wait. Because I know there will come a day when you see yourself for who you really are. And when you do, you’ll want to change that. You’ll find the good in yourself. And then, only then, will I see you.

          “Everybody love everybody” <3

Heated

        Boy do I have a lot to talk about. So listen if you want, you might be offended but this is my blog and these are my opinions. So there’s my disclaimer.

        First of all, only about a half hour ago I got in a heated discussion with this guy in my math class who I was studying with. Nice kid. He could be reading this too, since he’s friends with me on Facebook, so if you are, this is nothing against you, just me expressing my opinions. Our first argument was about whether or not caffeine is a drug. Caffeine is a type of drug, or at least it acts like one. It is a stimulant. According to the FDA, “Whether caffeine is consumed in food or as a medicine, it changes the way your

brain and body work and changes how you behave and feel. Caffeine is a central

nervous system stimulant.” And “The FDA says that caffeine is both a drug and a food additive. Caffeine is used in both prescription and over-the-counter medicines to treat tiredness or drowsiness and to improve the effect of some pain relievers.” (http://www.fda.gov/downloads/Drugs/ResourcesForYou/Consumers/BuyingUsingMedicineSafely/UnderstandingOver-the-CounterMedicines/UCM205286.pdf) So um, sorry, bud, but you lose that one. Why else do you think that so many people in this country cannot go a morning without coffee? I’m not saying that it is addicting, although it could be, I am just saying that it has an effect on your body and it changes what goes on in your body so that when you consume it daily and then stop consuming it, your body will have a reaction to that, therefore it is a drug.

        Our next argument, I got really heated about. We rolled off of the caffeine topic somehow on to whether or not alcoholism was a disease or not. Well it is. People go into rehab for alcoholism. There are support groups. I have a lot of experience around it actually. He says, and I cannot quote this word for word, but that alcoholics choose to be that way. No. No no no no no. Okay, maybe most alcoholics could have started off by choosing to drink. They went all throughout college and decided that they did not want to stop being the party animal they were and kept on going. Either way, whether they started out that way or not, they are not choosing to have an alcoholism problem. They become dependent upon it, whether out of habit, or to escape problems. Whatever it may be. However, I will admit that to overcome alcoholism they DO have to choose to do that. And some people can be so far past that point that someone has to push them into it. But yes, sir, alcoholism is in fact a disease. You cannot just quit. Some people can, but there are people that canNOT do that by themselves.

        I just had to get that off of my chest. If you disagree with me on either case, well, you’re wrong, and we shall agree to disagree because unless there is new science out there to prove otherwise, I will stick with my opinion thank-you-very-much.

        My next thing, that has just been on my mind lately is psychological things like depression. Not me having depression, because I don’t. I was thinking of it in terms of other people and why people do what they do. As a psychology enthusiast, (since I am no longer majoring in it), I always try to see the psychological side of things. For instance a breaking news cast about a man who violently beat his whole family to death and then shot himself at the end. I know, morbid major. But my first instinct is now never, “oh my gosh what an asshole-freak-who-the-fuck-would-do-that kind of guy”. Yes, those things do come to mind on occasion. But more importantly I think, what was going through his head? Did he have some sort of multiple-personality disorder where one of his personalities did this, or maybe he was depressed, perhaps schizophrenic? There are millions of different possible reasons for why he did what he did. But can we really ever know that? I really want to bring up why I am thinking about all of this, but it is kind of personal and possibly none of my business, so I don’t really know if I have the right to do so. Hmm, maybe I would make a good psychologist. Who knows. It has just been on my mind a lot. I always want to know why people do the things that they do.

        Speaking of not majoring in psychology: another thing that has been on my mind is what the hell am I going to do with my life? Literally right now, if someone had a gun to my head (I am being so morbid right now, I blame my English classes), and I was wearing a lie detector and they told me to tell them what I want to do with my life, I would have no answer. Do I want to teach? Maybe, that’d be fun and I think I’d really enjoy it. Do I want to write? I’d love to, but write what? Do I want to edit? That’d be a dream, but am I going to be able to be good enough at it to make it a career? Do I even for sure want to major in English? I think so, I mean it’s one of the things I love most, but I do love a lot of different things. Why am I paying 25 grand a year here to do? I know it’s not to be partying all the time. I could have a PhD in that right now. (Just kidding, Mom). No really, though, what am I going to do? What do I want to do? I just envy those people that wake up every day and think, I know what I want to do, I’m good at it, and I love doing it. Some people are born to be musicians, some are born to play baseball, some are born to work in the ER. What the heck was I born to do? Because I don’t know that it has hit me yet. Because if it had, wouldn’t I have known it by now? Or maybe it’s just one of those things I have to work up to. I DON’T KNOW. I hate not knowing. I like having plans and goals and everything organized. But how am I supposed to plan out my life when I have no clue what I want to do? It’s stressing me out even more because I need to know, like soon, like real soon. I know I can always change my mind in the long run, but that may cost me, literally. Maybe I wont find out what I am supposed to be doing with my life until I’m 35 (gawd I hope not). But I just want to know now!!

        Oh, by the way, being an adult sucks. Having to pay bills and shit. Hats off to every adult in my life that I once thought had it so easy making money and what not, that ain’t easy. Livin’ ain’t easy. I get it now, thanks.

        I’m done for the day, I think I’ve rambled enough and I apologize, again, if I have offended anyone. My blog, my rules. I’m going to go do some productive school writing now, hopefully.  

Be Thankful, Be Strong

Today is September 11, 2012, in case you were not informed by the news, the paper, Facebook, Twitter, or possibly your calendar. I, myself have been reminded every two minutes or so by someone’s tweet or Instagram photo. I am not going to be cynical about all of the hash tags like #neverforget or #alwaysremember. But I think it is quite clear that we will always remember and never forget what happened September 11, 2001. And for those who lost loved ones, they always remember and never forget every single day of their life. I cannot pretend like I can understand what they are going through, have gone through, or have experienced. Sure, I have lost loved ones and I do know what that is like. But to lose a loved one in a tragedy like September 11^th, it’s unfathomable to me. So, for me, I hope and pray for those lost. But I pray even more for those who lived, those I have in my life still, and that I still have my own life. It is not every day that I sit here and think about each individual person in my life that I am thankful to have. Even those who I have not spoken to in years, and those who I have just met. We’ve all had our hardships, but it’s the strength that it takes to pick ourselves up and stay positive in life that is the good outcome from the bad. It’s not always easy, especially after something so heartbreaking and morbid like 9/11, to stay strong, be happy again, laugh, and see the good in life and people. I know not everyone can be strong, I can’t always stay strong. But I have the utmost respect for those who, despite all that has happened, can pick themselves back up and be the person that they were before or better. Whether it is God, friends, family or whatever it is that helps them be strong, be thankful. So yes, remember. Don’t forget. But not only that, support each other, pray, be happy, be strong, be thankful for what you do have.

On a less serious note, I haven’t written just a normal blog in awhile. I know you all are probably wondering “what is happening in Sydney’s life?” Who am I kidding? I know wouldn’t be wondering that. I am actually writing this on my break between classes and planning on typing and posting it later tonight. But to be honest, nothing too exciting has been happening in my life. Not to say I haven’t been having fun, because I have. I suppose I have met a lot of people, all very awesome of course. There has been some familial drama, perhaps. And I went to the first home Coug football game in which fellow Ferris Alumni played for both teams (Halliday-Cougs, Tonani and Minnerly-Eags), and we won, which was just amazing with a new coach, new stadium, and a sold out crowd. It was crazy to say the least. Oh yeah, and the thing that I’m actually in Pullman for… school. Well, let me tell you about school. I love WSU. I hate math. I love my two English classes. I hate math. Anthropology can be somewhat boring and somewhat interesting. I hate math. Biology is very informative and interesting. And, oh yeah, have I mentioned that I HATE math? Not too mention that, no offense, but I cannot understand a thing my math professor says. This is America, lady. Learn to speak proper English if you’re going to teach. She’s really nice and all, but nice doesn’t help when I suck at math and can’t understand individual words that the person who is supposed to be teaching me math is saying. On a brighter side, if I ever do pass math, I think I have finally figured out what I am going to do with my life. I am about 95% sure that, with English, I want to teach. Maybe middle school, but I would prefer high school, mostly because I love the literature that is studied in high school. So that’s a big step. Jeez, I can see why I always just type my blogs now because I just keep writing and writing and then my hand hurts. Good thing my next class is English…then math >:( I hate math. Anyone who is good at math, can speak English well, and wants to spend some time tutoring me… let me know. Let’s see, what else. I feel like I should mention how much I love my roommate, Mags. We have had a blast this first month or so in Pullman. Aside from the fact that, because our financial aid has yet to come, and we are quickly draining our bank accounts, and soon to be living on the corner of Stadium Way and Valley Road, in a box. At least we’ll have each other. Gotta love her. And can I just say how awesome it is to be able to walk around the house in bras and underwear? If you’re reading this and don’t have your own place yet…just wait. And if you do, you totally know what I’m talking about.

            Okay, before I get too weird, and before my hand falls off, I’m going to go study or do something productive. Probably not. But if you’re into really weird stories, here’s a link one of my professors who is on the History Channel’s TV show called “Decoded” by the way, (Buddy Levy, look him up), some weird short stories he sent to my class to read. Weird and messed up. Enjoy. And be thankful.

http://www.smokelong.com/ (We read the first five for class)t

                                                            9/11/2012

Here's To You

         Often times we take life for granted, never cherishing the things we have and the people that we love. One day they’re here and the next day they could be gone. And the worst part is, we can’t predict it, we can’t stop it, we can’t do anything about it. There’s all of those quotes like “Live today like it’s your last”, and we all try to think that we do that. But as your day to day life goes by, some are boring, some are exciting. You’re not going to remember every day of your life. You remember the ones where you did something exciting, or where you were just absolutely happy, or the sad ones.

          I remember one. It’s not so much the day itself as the feeling I had. And I didn’t actually remember it until I was there again. Every year my family has a reunion labor day weekend at my relatives house in Montana. This year was a special one because it was going to be the last one that we would have there. But all of those labor day weekends, whether I was consciously cherishing them or not, were always such a great time that I wouldn’t forget them anyways. But last year, I remember the time, the exact location, what I was doing, and the way I felt when I found out about a friend of mine who had just passed away. I only got a text. I was outside of the hotel with a friend, going to get my toothbrush from the car. The text said “Tommy is dead”. I read it aloud. Wait, which Tommy? Do I only know one Tommy? No it couldn’t be that Tommy. What other Tommy do I know? I don’t know any other Tommys.

          It’s extremely hard, as a human being, to comprehend death. We don’t know exactly what it means in the long run, but we do know that it means that we cannot do the same things we once did with that person, that we cannot ever talk to them again in the same way, we cannot hear their voice, we cannot create more memories with them. And even that is hard to comprehend. As for me, when I have experienced death in my life, I always try to picture myself in a conversation with them, and then thinking, that I can no longer do that, and why cannot I not? How is that possible?

          And so the other day, when I walked in that same spot, I thought about what happened, how I felt, and everything that has happened since then. It’s been a year already? My, oh my how time flies. And I knew that. I know that. I’ve been told it a million times, and I’ll be told it a million more. It doesn’t make it go any slower. But in that spot, I had that sense of déjà vu. But then I thought, I wonder what Tommy would be doing today. But none of us can ever know that now. I only hope that is family is coping well with their loss. I know that they have help from all of his friends that went to help commemorate him tonight. I wish I could have gone. But on a school night, it’s not so easy to not be home at 8 pm. I have been thinking about him, though. I do hope that wherever he is, he’s not alone, and that he’s happy. I mean Tommy is pretty good at making friends so I’m not too worried about that.

          I just wanted to say my favorite memory of him, though. I haven’t been very close with him for awhile, but I always think of the funniest memory. When we were all in third grade at Mullan Road Elementary, a couple of us girls who had a crush on him were by the drinking fountain giggling and staring at him, and then I think one of them told him that we all had a crush on him and he just gave that big Tommy smile that he still had always. Makes me smile every time. He was a great kid. I know he had so many loving, loyal friends in his life and for that, I know he is doing just fine wherever he is. So here’s to you, Tommy. One year since your absence from our life, but to the start of wherever you are in your new life. Thanks for all of the memories you brought to all of your friends and family. And for helping us all cherish life a little more.