Halloweek is Here!

Does anyone understand dreams? Because I sure don’t. and I’m not going to go look online and read some quack information that supposedly tells you what your dreams mean. Is it your subconscious telling you something? I’ve had days where the smallest thing happens, like my pencil rolls off of my desk, and then that night in my dream, that little thing becomes something huge. Now that rarely happens; actually I just rarely remember my dreams, but I only recall it happening two or three times of the dreams that I do remember. I also have noticed from the dreams I remember, that I rarely have a dream about one thing or one person or something continuously. (I’m going to pause in the middle of this to say that as I am in the library, there are two people speaking either chinese or japanese screaming at each other…in the library! I’m kind of concerned). Anyways, so if I have repetitive images then it must mean something right? I’m not sure. I’ve had reoccurring themes in my dreams lately that I actually remember. Usually I’ll remember a dream for tops a half hour after I wake up and then it’s gone and I have no clue what it was about. But this one I had last night is really just poking at me. I’m trying to ignore it. It’s just a dream, ya know? (Asians still yelling—thought I heard the “f” word, but I thought they were speaking a different language? I don’t know). I mean it’s a dream for crying out loud! You are probably interested in what this dream is. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just the curious type. Well, I wont give all of the details, but it is just something that I’ve wanted, but recently decided to make myself not want it and move on to other wants and needs (obviously not working). But in the dream I wanted it and I had it, but literally everything in the world, particularly one thing, this thing just pissed me off, kept stopping me from getting it. Sucks right? And now that’s all that keeps popping into my head and I’m like why? Usually you stupid dreams have already disappeared from my mind hours ago. Maybe I’m going crazy. Who am I kidding, I’m already crazy!

In other news: Halloweek has arrived at Washington State University. This means Halloween parties tonight, Friday, Saturday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Whew. Literally a week. Seven costumes. So far, Maggie, Joey and whoever else and I are all exchanging/sharing costumes because who really has seven costumes? I know that I have a baseball player, a bunny, a nerd; Mags has a gorilla, a slutty baby costume which is just hilarious, you should see it; we might try the twister board one, and Joey has a school girl I think and some old dance costumes that we’re going to make something out of. So I think we’re set. I’m not going to go out all seven nights I don’t think. I’ll figure something out, but it should be fun regardless. Halloween at WSU is really the best. Everybody goes crazy. I think the guys all like it because girls dress slutty, but I just don't understand how we're supposed to wear next to nothing when it is possibly going to be snowing. I got dibs on the gorilla costume all seven days. Just kidding, but really I wish I could. I'm excited that it is finally here, though. Although, Maggie, Joey and I have been trying to stay in shape, ya know, to look good in our costumes and what not. We've been really good about going to the gym a lot, and then all of a sudden, the last week before Halloweek, we all eat a crap ton of food and don't go to the gym. What just happened. Looks like I'm getting a big butt. Not a bad thing I guess. I'm just a little upset that we broke, so close to Halloween. Good thing we have no one to impress. Hah. Whatever. Yolo...as Maggie always says. Yikes. But everybody prepare yourselves for one of the best weeks at Wazzu. 

I really want to find a date to take me to see either Paranormal Activity 4 or Sinister. Mostly because Maggie has already found someone to go with, Joey doesn’t like scary movies, and I don’t like having to pay for movies. So pretty much I’m a.) not going to have a date b.)going by myself and c.) I have to pay for the movie. How lame. (And obviously this is a joke since for one I love going to movies by myself, and two, I'm not actually looking for a date. obvi some people don't get jokes) But I love scary movies so it is a necessity that I go see one. Like I really LOVE scary movies. You have no idea. Halloween is almost my favorite holiday because of it. I love being scared. And after Halloween we have Dad’s weekend…a blast, then Thanksgiving and the Apple Cup, then 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family—thee best. I love Christmas season the most. Love, love, love it. Christmas music, Christmas movies, Christmas cookies…OH! Totally forgot: carving pumpkins this weekend finally, and making Halloween decorated cookies. Yum! But I have to go to class now, unfortuantely. Have a good day/weekend. Go watch ABC Family’s 13 Nights of Halloween before it’s over. Or go see a scary movie by yourself! Peace y’all. 

Only Words?

So today, in one of my English class’ small group discussions, my TA was talking with us, and I say “with” us because he actually talks with us and not to us or at us, which I love. But we were talking about rhetoric, and this might bore you but I find it fascinating so I apologize. Anyways, talking about rhetoric and how we subconsciously use it in every day life. And he got me heated up for a bit because he described what he calls the “God Bless America” argument. His statement was that when we say God Bless America, we are saying bless us and bless us first (pretty much). And my first reaction to this was whoa buddy I do not say please, God bless us and us only or us first, I’m just asking to bless us because this is my country and we are one, but I want God to bless everyone just the same. To which he replied, well then why say it at all? If we want God to bless everyone then why do we even need to say it at all, or to say God bless America? Because we still want God to bless us first. I understood what he was saying but still didn’t buy it. Then he put it in a less confrontational subject/non religious (for most): sports. Someone in the group said well it’s the same as saying “Go Cougs”, it’s not that we want the other team to die or something, we just want the cougs to win above all else (even when they don’t, which is usually). And in that sense, we don’t say “I love the Cougs when they’re winning but I hate them when they’re losing” instead of just “Go Cougs” because that would leave a different implication, instead of implying that I’m with the cougs through and through, I’m only with them when they win. And that’s just not Cougar pride. Why am I talking about this you might ask, I just sometimes don’t realize what an impact the words you can say (or don’t say) have. No I’m not saying boo to UNC, Arizona, UCLA, USC, and all of the other schools when I say “Go Cougs”, but rhetorically I’m implying that. Language is so weird how we adapt to certain contexts depending on society. Like the middle finger for example. To us it means F*** you, whereas to Italy it means a form of hello. My TA told us this story of a company from Italy who shipped Christmas plates to be sold in the US and then center of the plate was a picture of Santa with two big middle fingers up in the air. Personally, I’d love a Christmas plate like that. Can you imagine as you finish your Christmas meal and slowly realize that it’s Santa flipping you off? Milk and/or food would definitely come out of my nose, I’d be laughing so hard. It is just so interesting how language, and body language, and so many different concepts are perceived differently from culture to culture. Like for instance, if you saw two people yelling f*** you at each other in public, you might be concerned, maybe not, but I would be. But then say instead one of those people was wearing a Cougar shirt and one was wearing a Husky shirt and you saw the same situation, you wouldn’t think anything of it. You might join in, or just laugh. You adapt to these concepts to the point where they become normal. It might seem strange to you at first, or just strange to other people, but again, you adapt. You just rarely consciously think of the things you’re not saying when you say what you say. But subconsciously we think about what we say, we think about what we don’t say, we think about what we want to say, and we think about what we won’t say. And then there are those people with no filters…well we won’t get into that.

In other news: today I got a free PB&J sandwich that the school gives out every Wednesday or something. Maybe it’s only once a month, I’m not really sure. Anyways, it was a free, tasty sandwich. I walked back to lounge on the couch in the cub and my friend, Joey, asked how it was. My response: it’s tasty but the peanut butter keeps sticking to the roof of my mouth. To which she replied, “First world problems”. And we both laughed. But then I thought about it. I complain so much. All the time. “I’m tired. I’m cold. I hate homework. I have so many tests coming up. I’m hung over. Why is it only Monday? I hate this weather.” You get the idea. Now I’ve said this before to people, we all have our own problems. And most of the time, there is someone out there that has way bigger, way worse problems than you. But regardless of those bigger problems out there, your own problems are as big to you as they feel because they directly affect you. It doesn’t mean we should ignore other’s problems or bigger problems. We shouldn’t belittle our own problems, though, because they are ours. We can’t and shouldn’t compare them to other people’s because its how that problem feels to you. Now, keeping that in mind, I do have my own problems, but I also just complain about stupid things or things out of my control like weather. And then I said to Joseph and Mags, do you realize how hard it would be to go just even a day without complaining? They agreed it would be difficult. So I decided that tomorrow I’m claiming it as my own National No-Complaining Day, in spite of all of these National _____ days. Whoever else thinks they’re up for the challenge, be my guest. I really wish I had my “No Whining” t-shirt here in Pullman. Shoot. I know it will be tough, I know. I think I need to come up with some sort of incentive. A negative one. I don’t deserve any reward if I can do it. But I should come up with something so that the number of times I complain I have to do something that many times. I’ll think of something. It’s gonna be hard and I’ll have to constantly be thinking about it or else I’ll slip. So we shall see how that turns out. I’ll let y’all know.

Oh. By the way, if you’re a fan of country, check out Jason Aldean’s newest album release called “Night Train” UH-mazing. Especially the song “Night Train”. He is quite the artist. I’ve literally listened to it so many times. That’ll be playing throughout our apartment for the next two weeks or so. So, so good. Okay I’m off. Sorry about the rant about English. I can’t help it. But just know the impact and power that both your words and your silence have. Have a good rest of the day/night/whatever time it is. 

First Breath of Change

            There comes a point in your life, or maybe you won’t have one, or maybe it hasn’t happened yet, when you ask yourself “where am I going with my life? And am I happy with who I am becoming?” and if your answer is I don’t know or no, that’s when you realize that you need to make a big change in your life. I don’t know where I’m going with my life right now, I know where I want to go, but I feel like I’ve gotten off track a bit. And I’m satisfied with who I am becoming, because it’s not all bad, it’s just not where I want it to be. I want to be overjoyed with who I am becoming, not just satisfied. I don’t know where or when, but somewhere on this path of my life I lost sight of what is important to me. I lost faith in myself and faith in one too many things. And I guess in that way, I’m not as upset at what happened, because it had to take something for me to finally take a look at my life and realize that it’s not what I want to be doing with it. I said before that I hit the bottom and there was nothing I could do to get myself back up to the top. Well I’ve finally found a path that will get me there. And when I said before that I was at the top and jumped off, I think the whole time I was really already falling and just had a false sense of security. So despite all of this, all of this mess that I’ve made, the good news is I can turn it around. And I don’t have to do it alone. I’m gonna be honest, it’s been quite awhile since I had been to church. Or even youth group or anything. But I went today, and I felt like I had never left. Its amazing how welcoming it can feel. I think it was a good decision to go, and something that I can continue to do. Lately I’ve been thinking so much, more than I’ve ever thought about, and it’s not about the things I should be thinking about right now. It’s also hard because my friends and I are all going through rough times right now, but theirs aren’t so much their fault whereas mine is and that just makes me feel worse about myself. But I also know who I am and what I want, I just got way too off track and now that I’ve finally been hit with that fact, now I can make myself better. I can finally, finally breathe again. First breath of change. And I have hope and things to look forward to. I look forward to being who I want to be. It actually makes me excited. For the first time in what feels like forever I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

                     Oh, and the Cougs...well rough. And the Cowboys...well rough. And the Seahawks...yes. That's what I like to hear. 

            

What Just Happened

            Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with my friends and getting crazy and having a blast. I love it. The hardest part, though, is when you come back to reality that you can’t always be having a good time with your friends, and you once again realize that your world isn’t perfect. Not that you ever thought it was, but when you’re in those moments with friends you sometimes forget what’s going on outside of what you’re doing. Which is great, because you should always live in the moments like that. It just makes it really hard when you come down from that high and happiness, you sometimes feel worse then you did to start with.

            You’re probably like oh my GOSH Sydney stop talking about depressing things. I’m sorry I’m sorry! I tend to just write what I’m feeling. Not always, but I have been a lot more lately just because my English professor said that’s where the best stories come from. If you work on just writing exactly what is going through your head then it makes it easier when you are trying to write something in particular. So I’m working on that. Hang in there, hopefully my life will turn around a little at some point and I will have more happy things to talk about. I’m just in a rut right now. And it sucks. And what’s worse now is because of me people or persons are acting different then I ever expected. I’ll give you a word of advice, if someone hurts you, it doesn’t help to hurt them back. Karma will take care of it. So now I’m more hurt. And not really sure what I should do now. I thought I knew. Now I don’t. I know what I want but I cant let myself be treated like that, regardless of what happened. Ugh it just sucks.

            Well today is Cougar football Saturday finally. I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve gone to a game. And last time I went it was super hot out. So this game should be interesting. Apparently we’re supposed to “rally” again tonight but I’m not sure how well that’ll go over since all of us are dying a little inside but we shall see. I’d like to rally but I just don’t know if that’s possible. Oh the things that happened last night. So. Much. Fun. A little blurry. But fun. I literally inhaled a pizza though. I haven’t eaten a ton this week just because I’ve been super stressed but I think I made up for that last night. Also watched Happy Gilmore. Fantastic movie. Oh and it rained last night. Like freaking poured. Woke up and my hair was still wet from it. It was crazy. So much fun. I love the rain. And the pictures…oh we took so many. So many funny ones. It really was an almost all around great night. I love Pullman. And now I’m gonna go get some free shit from a Victoria secret party. Fun stuff.

            Go Cougs. 

The Perfect Moment

            I know you all love it when you find that perfect song for the day/the moment/how you’re feeling. But have you ever experienced that day when EVERY song is just right? There’s not a single one that you don’t love and just want to dance to or sing along with or just sit there and enjoy it? Well that’s my day today. Yesterday I found a song that was absolutely perfect for how I was feeling, but today I am just loving every single one of them. Why, you might ask. I have no idea. This morning when Maggie left for school and I had an hour to do nothing, I decided to turn on my everything playlist on spotify and every song that came on either had me on my feet dancing or screaming out the words or just laying listening to them. I haven’t been in that good of a mood for what feels like a long time, and while I know it wasn’t going to last, for that moment and that hour of time, it was exactly what I needed. I felt like a little kid dancing in my room again. It gave me so much energy and spirit. I really just felt like it was the perfect moment for me. And sometimes you just need those. Because of those moments you know someone special up there is looking out for you, trying to cheer you up. It’s moments like those that helps me remember that no matter what happens, things will be alright.

            I enjoy looking for quotes that fit me or will make me feel better in whatever is going on in my life. I like to write, myself, because it’s like me quoting me on how I’m feeling, but occasionally things that other people say seem to fit you better. There’s this quote I found and it goes “It’s hard to wait for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” I feel like that fits me right now.

            On a less serious note: it’s Cougar Football Weekend! We play Cal tomorrow here at home and it’s a night game! So needless to say I’m rather excited for it. Tonight I’m going out with a bunch of friends. We call ourselves the blonde mafia since there’s five of us going out that are all blondes. I’m pretty excited to just get out and be happy and enjoy the weekend. I’ll still have some things on my mind but I’m going to try to set those aside and just live in the moment for the weekend and have fun. I want to sing, dance, laugh, and make great memories with my friends. That’s what I intend to do.

            Here’s a list (I love lists remember?) of the last songs that I’ve been listening to. Or just go to my “new music” playlist in spotify if you have it.

·        Dancing in the moonlight- Toploader

·        Everything you want- vertical horizon

·        God gave me you- blake Shelton

·        I try- macy gray

·        Tonight is the night- outasight

·        Swing swing- all American rejects

·        What’s my age again?- Blink-182

·        Dare you to move- switchfoot

·        Stand by me –Ben E. king

And the whole playlist is great, in my opinion obviously because I made it. So if you need to cheer up or just want to have a good time, close the curtains, actually just leave them open, if other people mind your dancing then they can go f…, they can just go away, crank up the music, sing along, and dance around. Trust me, it works. Have a good weekend errrybody. 

Find What You're Looking For

            So I got this email today from someone that I really do not even know well, but I know her a little. Anyways she really got my brain going. She told me that I should look into applying to Sarah Lawrence College. If you don’t know what or where that is, it is a liberal arts college in Bronxville, NY. Kind of a long ways away. But I looked it up anyways, holy cow tuition is expensive there, but when I calculated everything with financial aid and scholarships, I would actually be paying less to go there, loan-wise, give or take some from living expenses which would obviously be higher there than here. I also looked into their studies and majors, they have so many different types of classes for writing and literature. It’s crazy. It is very competitive to get in there, but I figure with really good recommendation letters, and a really good analysis paper, who knows, anything is possible. And then I started thinking bigger. Like say, Columbia. They have a great journalism school. Super tough to get into, but who knows, I could go to their college of arts for my graduate school. I really like it here in Washington, but over there I feel like could give a lot of opportunities for careers or internships. My eyes have just been opened to how big (and far) I can go. It’s crazy. I never would have even thought about any of that if the information hadn’t been suggested to me. So who knows where I’ll go. I kinda like it here, though, for now. But we shall see.

            I think a lot throughout the day. Like I have this non stop running monologue going through my head, whether it is about what I’m doing at the moment or just what’s going through my head. A lot of times I wish I just had something that would type it all out as I’m thinking about it so I can look at it later, but that invention may never exist. But I do have a notepad that I’ll write on when I think I have something break-through that I just have to write. My professor told me it helps to have one when you’re a writer. Plus our next assignment is “to write our deepest, darkest secret. The one that dismantles us the most. And make a creative non fiction piece out of it.” Literally. And I have two that I’ve been deciding between. One isn’t so much a secret, but it’s constantly there and I think about it a lot. And the other, there is only one other person in this world who knows about it. And the thing is, it should affect me more than it does. But it just kind of is what it is, it happened but it was a long time ago so I’m kind of over it. Where as the other one, is kind of ongoing my whole life, and my professor said if it is something that has happened more recently, then you wont be able to write about it properly because you haven’t been apart from it enough to take yourself out of it and write about it unbiased. Or mostly unbiased. So we’ll see what I write about.

            But anyways, here’s what I wrote today on my notepad:

            Everything I do, literally everything, I associate with you. I think about you. But now it’s not in the same context. It’s not associated with happy now but sad. And I cannot physically, or mentally do anything about it. And the tough part? I caused this. I’m the reason that I’m feeling this way. So I cant even feel bad for myself. I have hit the bottom. Rock fucking bottom. And I’ll tell ya, it ain’t too great. The good part? All you can do is go up from here. The worse part? I can’t even go up right now. So I’m just stuck here. Its cold. Its dark. And its lonely. I’ve been trying to pick through my mind to figure out why this happened. Well I know a factor or two. But I also know regardless of the factors there was no meaning behind it. Which I personally feel better about. Knowing that. But it doesn’t change anything in terms of what it is. But then again, I’m still at the bottom. Literally went from the highest top that you can get to. And I wish I could say I fell, but I got a running start and jumped straight off. No one was there to stop me. And absolutely no one wanted to catch me. I wouldn’t have caught me either. But what is said and done is said and done. I cannot do anything now. But I listened to this song today and it made me feel better so I’ll write some lyrics of it. Writing always makes me feel better, but sometimes nothing is better than a song that fits the moment perfectly.

            “I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them. And we help them in return. Now I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today, because I knew you.

            “It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, So much of me, is made from what I learned from you. You’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.”

            I just like that song an awful lot, and it seems to fit right now. Oh and I dyed my hair. So there’s that. With time, comes change. Whether we cause that change or not. It’s going to happen and we can’t stop it. Life goes on. We make mistakes, we learn from them. (Just try to learn from them the first time, it helps ;) )

            So fall is here. Enjoy it. Spend time with friends and family. Have a blast. It’s one of the best times of the year, in my opinion. Besides my birthday, of course. Pumpkins, leaves, Halloween, scary movies. I love it!

            Just remember, if something is bringing you down, just try try try to find the positive in it. Even if it seems like there aren’t any. You’ll find what you’re looking for. 

Well

            Well, well, well. Here’s what I have to say about that:

            

             A whole lot of nothing. Rendered speechless. That’s a first for miss Sydney-talks-a-lot. No. That’s not true. I do have a lot to say. The problem with words is, you can use as few or as many as you’d like, but unless you put action behind your words they are meaningless. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely been putting some actions down, but probably not the right ones. And I’m not talking like words in a story because there can be lots of meanings behind those. I haven’t been doing well at writing stories though lately. I’m talking about words that come out of your mouth, or out of your head on to paper like this (well this is a screen, but you know what I mean). I am great with my words. I know all the right ones to say. No, that’s a lie. I’m alright with words. I just need to follow through more. Like in volleyball, if you don’t follow through with you hits, they won’t go where they need to go. We’re not talking about volleyball. What are we talking about? I’m the only one talking here actually. Who’s listening? Who knows. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have a filter, or could just turn it on and off so that I could just write exactly what I want and not care what people will think about it. I do it sometimes, but rarely. I mentally edit myself a LOT. So it’s back to this. What do we have? What do we know? How are we going to use that to make a situation better? The haves: I have a great support system. Family, friends. And, well, we know that I am set on the words. I got the words down. It’s the actions that need to be worked on. How am I going to use this information to make a situation better? Alright, that’s the tough part. The follow-through. I gotta push myself to do the right thing and make good choices. Everybody has their bad choices. Impaired judgment on certain situations. It happens, life goes on, we all get through it, time heels all wounds. All a dose clichés. Yes, in my head I’m talking in an accent right now and filtering it so it’s not an accent in my writing. But can I learn from this? We shall see. This too, shall pass. Am I right? Gosh I hope so. There’s so much more that I want to say but I can’t. Actually I won’t. I physically will not let myself do that. Y’all would think I’m even crazier than I am, believe it or not. So I’ll stop with all the philosophical stuff right meow.

            Well I’m in need of some serious busy work to keep me stable. My room is a disaster. Someone slept in my bed…who? I don’t know I haven’t found out yet. I have clothes all over the place. It’s a wreck. So there’s that. I gots lots of homework to do. Or that I can do. Not that I necessarily need to do it all yet. But I probably will. I need the gym. I like to work out my problems there, (pun intended). And I need some good ol’ Ben and Jerry’s. Yum yum. Okay so this is how bad my memory is getting. This might be TMI but I’m going to share anyways. The other day, I was in the bathroom because I had to use it, obviously, but then I left, for one reason or another, came back and started to brush my teeth. Mid-brushing, I literally could not remember if I had actually gone to the bathroom yet. I had to ask myself. I think I’m going more and more crazy everyday. I’m so going to be that lady with all of the cats when I’m older. Just me by muhself with muh cats. Gosh darn it Joseph. She freaking got me into talking with an accent and I literally cannot stop. What are you going to do about it? I think I need a nap.

            Word of advice: don’t fall in love, and if you do…well I salute you sir and good luck with that.

            Night night. I’m outta hurr. 

A Try At It

            Weirdest thing ever. First of all, you may notice that I’m blogging more now. I just missed it and I feel like I’ve had a lot more to talk about lately. Which is good. Anyways. Back to the weird thing. So yesterday, a friend of mine, not close, but a friend, just got engaged to his girlfriend of I don’t even know how long exactly. So I told Maggie about it and then we both started talking about how soon that’s going to be people our age and our friends who are getting engaged. Not even a day later, (today), two of our good friends who have been together since the beginning of high school announced that they were engaged! Gosh we must be psychic or something. But it’s crazy! I mean I’ve known a ton of people who gotten engaged and married, even young. When it happens to your friends, though, that’s when it really hits you. We’re all growing up so fast. Soon almost everyone will be getting engaged and married, and going into their careers, and eventually having families. It’s truly crazy how fast life goes. I mean I was just talking about it in my last blog. I’m so happy for them and I wish them the very best, and I better be invited to the wedding because I just love weddings. Love ‘em! And then Maggie and I started talking about who was going to be the first of our friends to get knocked up. We had a mutual vote for Rachel. So Rachel, if you’re reading this. We want pretty red headed blue eyed babies ASAP! Thanks.

          Now for those of you who know me, which I’m assuming anyone reading this knows me. You probably have heard me say once, or twice, or about a million times that I have short term memory loss. You probably have heard me say once, or twice or two million times that I have short term memory loss…okay it’s not that bad. But really I have one of the worst memories I know of anyone my age. Its straight up turrable. I have to write my homework down in my notebooks, in a planner, in my phone, and sometimes on my hand just so I can remember it all. And I usually forget some of it. So that is why when in one of my English classes, I was asked to write a creative non-fiction mini memoir type thing of a memory from before I was ten years old. Are you kidding me, sir? I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast this morning and you expect THAT out of me? Lawd help us all if Sydney has to remember things from before she was ten. Okay, so I do recall memories from my childhood. It’s not like I was just blacked out the whole time. I actually remember a lot. Just not in full detail. Like one of my uncles, he’s a freaking whiz in all things pretty much. He can remember everything. Little details and all. I wish I had like a tenth of that memory. Anyways, so I picked one memory that I do remember. It’s kind of embarrassing but I’m putting it on here, Mommy, so that you can read it. Don’t make fun of me if I didn’t get it all right. I was kind of just guessing on some parts of it but most of it is truly how I remember it.

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We walk up the stairs in between the two buildings; one, a rusty and fading brick, and the other a small white portable building that is to be my classroom. I feel my little fingers getting sweaty, intertwined with hers. I can hear my heart beating, pulsating as if it’s going to climb out of my chest and attack me; which I wouldn’t mind at this point, so long as I do not have to go into that classroom. My mother pulls my arm up the three cracked cement stairs, guarded by rusting iron rails on either side. In a split second I am launched on my behind, grasping the pole for dear life before I even realize what I am doing, I just know that, more than anything, I don’t want to go in there. She tries to grab my hand and sternly tells me to get up, using my middle name I know that she means business. I won’t do it. I clutch the pole so tightly my fingers turn red, then white, in a death grip that not even a mother can undo. I start crying; the tears flowing across my face and I know my eyes are turning pink and red, the way they always do when I cry. She tries to pull me again, begging me to go in. I start screaming. I feel like I’m swallowing piece after piece of sandpaper as each scream comes from deep within me. My mother would refer to this as “screaming bloody murder” although I’m not exactly sure what that means. I don’t want to go in. I won’t. The lady standing just in the doorway of the classroom, my teacher I’m assuming, is staring with a horrified expression knowing that there’s nothing she can say to calm me at this point. My mother kneels down and looks straight into my eyes, and sincerely asks me if I will go in if she comes in with me. My screaming and crying cease, but my breaths are still short and hurried as a result. I nod my head, remove my now cramped fingers and arms from the cold rusty pole and grab her hand once again, squeezing it how I do when I’m at the doctor’s office about to get a shot. My heart is still pounding, even more excessive because of my crying and screaming; I stand up and rub my eyes roughly, trying and failing to reduce the puffy redness that I have caused. I cannot cry now, or else all of these other kids will see me and laugh. 
We step through the threshold of the red door connecting us from what is awaiting. I look around the classroom and it is big. There are lots of colors and boxes with different toys in them. There are books everywhere. And a kid, just like me, at every desk but one. My teacher, an older woman with graying hair, my mother, with her fluffy silky hair all dressed up for work, and myself walk near the back of the classroom to the table in which my desk is connected. It has my name on it. I smile a little and my heart beat slows down a notch. This is my desk. Mine only. Not my mother’s, not my big brother’s, but mine. I am the only one who gets to sit here every day. Except on Saturdays and Sundays. Those days neither me or my brother will be at school. That’s what I was told anyways. I sit down, my teacher strolls over to another student at their very own desk. My mother crouches down next to me. She holds my hand still and asks me if I am okay with her leaving. My heart starts to race again at the thought of being left in this big classroom all by myself. No. She can’t leave me. So she stays. I know she’ll be late to work, she knows, but she stays anyways and I love her for that. This isn’t so bad anymore. I think I can do this. On my own. I fold my little hands together and lay them on the cold, cream colored desk with my name written in six different colors. Red, green, blue, orange, yellow, and purple. My name. My desk. My mother asks me again a little after if I am okay if she leaves. I know she has to but I hesitate. I nod and say yes. And with that she kisses me and then she’s gone. And here I am, on my own in kindergarten, in my very own desk.

          Well that’s how I remember it. I don’t know if it was all accurate but I did the best I could. I was only five for crying out loud (pun intended). I think I like this whole creative non fiction writing better than just fiction. It’s easier because it’s true, you don’t have to make up every single little detail in your head because all those details were right there in front of you. I enjoy it. I hope I write more of it. This was my first try at it so it’s not that great. Hopefully I’ll improve.

          And now I’m going to go to bed because it is way too late and I am exhausted. Night y’all. Have a good day tomorrow and crossing my fingers for more engagements to hear about soon! It’s just so exciting. I love it. Okay goodnight now.