Find What You're Looking For

            So I got this email today from someone that I really do not even know well, but I know her a little. Anyways she really got my brain going. She told me that I should look into applying to Sarah Lawrence College. If you don’t know what or where that is, it is a liberal arts college in Bronxville, NY. Kind of a long ways away. But I looked it up anyways, holy cow tuition is expensive there, but when I calculated everything with financial aid and scholarships, I would actually be paying less to go there, loan-wise, give or take some from living expenses which would obviously be higher there than here. I also looked into their studies and majors, they have so many different types of classes for writing and literature. It’s crazy. It is very competitive to get in there, but I figure with really good recommendation letters, and a really good analysis paper, who knows, anything is possible. And then I started thinking bigger. Like say, Columbia. They have a great journalism school. Super tough to get into, but who knows, I could go to their college of arts for my graduate school. I really like it here in Washington, but over there I feel like could give a lot of opportunities for careers or internships. My eyes have just been opened to how big (and far) I can go. It’s crazy. I never would have even thought about any of that if the information hadn’t been suggested to me. So who knows where I’ll go. I kinda like it here, though, for now. But we shall see.

            I think a lot throughout the day. Like I have this non stop running monologue going through my head, whether it is about what I’m doing at the moment or just what’s going through my head. A lot of times I wish I just had something that would type it all out as I’m thinking about it so I can look at it later, but that invention may never exist. But I do have a notepad that I’ll write on when I think I have something break-through that I just have to write. My professor told me it helps to have one when you’re a writer. Plus our next assignment is “to write our deepest, darkest secret. The one that dismantles us the most. And make a creative non fiction piece out of it.” Literally. And I have two that I’ve been deciding between. One isn’t so much a secret, but it’s constantly there and I think about it a lot. And the other, there is only one other person in this world who knows about it. And the thing is, it should affect me more than it does. But it just kind of is what it is, it happened but it was a long time ago so I’m kind of over it. Where as the other one, is kind of ongoing my whole life, and my professor said if it is something that has happened more recently, then you wont be able to write about it properly because you haven’t been apart from it enough to take yourself out of it and write about it unbiased. Or mostly unbiased. So we’ll see what I write about.

            But anyways, here’s what I wrote today on my notepad:

            Everything I do, literally everything, I associate with you. I think about you. But now it’s not in the same context. It’s not associated with happy now but sad. And I cannot physically, or mentally do anything about it. And the tough part? I caused this. I’m the reason that I’m feeling this way. So I cant even feel bad for myself. I have hit the bottom. Rock fucking bottom. And I’ll tell ya, it ain’t too great. The good part? All you can do is go up from here. The worse part? I can’t even go up right now. So I’m just stuck here. Its cold. Its dark. And its lonely. I’ve been trying to pick through my mind to figure out why this happened. Well I know a factor or two. But I also know regardless of the factors there was no meaning behind it. Which I personally feel better about. Knowing that. But it doesn’t change anything in terms of what it is. But then again, I’m still at the bottom. Literally went from the highest top that you can get to. And I wish I could say I fell, but I got a running start and jumped straight off. No one was there to stop me. And absolutely no one wanted to catch me. I wouldn’t have caught me either. But what is said and done is said and done. I cannot do anything now. But I listened to this song today and it made me feel better so I’ll write some lyrics of it. Writing always makes me feel better, but sometimes nothing is better than a song that fits the moment perfectly.

            “I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them. And we help them in return. Now I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today, because I knew you.

            “It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, So much of me, is made from what I learned from you. You’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.”

            I just like that song an awful lot, and it seems to fit right now. Oh and I dyed my hair. So there’s that. With time, comes change. Whether we cause that change or not. It’s going to happen and we can’t stop it. Life goes on. We make mistakes, we learn from them. (Just try to learn from them the first time, it helps ;) )

            So fall is here. Enjoy it. Spend time with friends and family. Have a blast. It’s one of the best times of the year, in my opinion. Besides my birthday, of course. Pumpkins, leaves, Halloween, scary movies. I love it!

            Just remember, if something is bringing you down, just try try try to find the positive in it. Even if it seems like there aren’t any. You’ll find what you’re looking for.