To Find My Purpose

It has been forever and a day since I've posted any blogs. And it is not for lack of words to say. Or lack of ideas. Mostly lack of diversity or importance. All I ever wanna write about is how in love I am. How amazing love feels. Sappy stuff ya know? People don't wanna hear me drone on and on about it. Even though I could write a library of congress full of books about it. 

I have so many thoughts going through my mind that it is actually physically and mentally tasking to try to put them together in coherent thoughts that would make sense to someone else. And I don't know why this is. 

What has really been on my mind lately has...well it's been a million different things. Between starting a new school year and Miley Cyrus going bat shit crazy on us. I'm just not sure what to think. But does it matter? Are my thoughts being kept inside my head really doing me or anyone else any good? I know it's not doing me any good because its clouding my mind when I should be focused on school I suppose. 

What's on my mind right now is the idea of want versus need. I sit and watch a show and feel bad because some kid is being made fun of for how corpulent he is. Or another kid has to steal or sell drugs just to put food on the table and keep the electricity on. I tell myself, it's just a show Sydney, to try to make myself feel better and not want to cry about it. Not like crying would do any good anyways. 

And then it hits me. Obviously there are people out there with real problems like not having money for the bills or being bullied at school. And what can I do about it? I can't give them all of my money (which isn't much) because then I would be in the same predicament. I could stop bullying that I am personally confronted by but I can't stop it in the hundreds of thousands of other places where it's going on. There are so many things that I can't do about any of it. Sure there are little things I could do. Help build houses for the people in need. Start charities for people in need. But there's still always going to be more. And I know that's not the point but I let it be the point. And I think, but if I go do all of those things who is going to be the person to teach growing children about Emerson and Bronté and Shakespeare? I want to be that person. 

Now don't even get me started on the "I wants". With all of this going through my head you would think I would tell myself, Syd, you can do without those new shoes you really don't need them. Yeah, that sweater is gorgeous but you already have sweaters at home. You really don't have to use gas and money and go fishing when you don't even like to eat fish and you have food at home. SO MANY THINGS that I do that I don't need to do or buy that I don't need to buy. And I tell myself this and I think about it all the time. Yet no matter how much I think about it consciously, I still do these things. I mean I'm not a shopaholic and go crazy or anything. I probably take a lot less of things I want vs need than other people do. Yet I still feel so crumby about it. I know it's probably some human gene that makes us grow needier and needier, or something psychologically that makes us want more, more, more. But I genuinely feel sick about it sometimes. All of the things we waste and buy that are unneeded. And I feel sick that I contribute to that. And I feel sick that I don't stop myself. And I feel sick that I won't stop myself because its going to keep happening. I should feel a little proud that I don't waste all that much. But that's probably because I don't have all that much to waste. I have less things to take for granted.  If I had more of it, who knows I probably would take more and more than I need. And what sucks is that I'm saying all of this tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to wake up and it'll be like nothing ever happened. Why? I don't know. I'm selfish I guess. We're all selfish in one way or another or multiple ways. I just hope we can stop being selfish before its too late. 

I have to believe that at some point we will stop it otherwise this world is going to succumb into its own selfishness. 

And I have a feeling it will be the latter, unfortunately. 

I do not have a lot to offer this world in terms of tangible things of value. But I hope that one day I can offer it something far more valuable than money or material things. Something intangible. It may take me years and years to be able to do so. But as long as I can give one person the wisdom, change one person for the better, then and only then will this world be a better place because of me. Right now all I'm doing is taking everything I can. Taking in all of the knowledge that my mind can hold. And eventually I'll construct that into something much more powerful. 

That is the best I can hope for. I am here for a purpose and I know it's not to buy the latest accessories but I intend to find out what it is (and I'll probably take some unnecessary things along the way, might as well try to have fun while I'm at it). 

That is what I want AND what I need to do. 

Looking Forward

             So I just spent an hour, going through every single blog I’ve ever written because I swore I have written about this before. And in every case where it was almost what I wanted to say, it just wasn’t quite there. And then I realized, there are always going to be similar experiences in your life, but when you look back on them, you realize how different you feel each time. No moment ever the same. Because as human beings it is in our nature to change over time. To progress. To become the very best versions of ourselves before we leave this place and go onto the next.

            Tragedy strikes. Over and over again. And when this happens, we feel like we lose control of our lives. Because for such long periods we feel invincible and strong. Like we could carry the world on our shoulders. We feel this way, knowing all that we know about life and death and how quickly things can change. Why do we feel that way? Yesterday morning I felt that nothing could conquer me if I could just handle my day at work. And then you hear the news. And you realize how small you really are. That no one can stop fate from taking its course.

            When bad things happen, it reminds us how delicate life truly is. I said before that there are moments in life that remind us how thankful we should be of it. And this is one of them. Although when I said that, I wasn’t thinking of tragedy. But then I guess we don’t know what those moments that we have in life that will remind us to be thankful will be like. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Every good thing, every bad thing, every little thing, and every big thing in our lives is put there for a specific purpose that, although we may not understand it at the time, it is there to guide us to the places we are meant to go.

            So no, it’s not always going to be fair. Sometimes is drives me crazy how unfair life can be. Why bad things happen to good people. Why good things happen to bad people. There is no balance for that. And there never will be. God isn’t up there looking at a naughty and nice list per say and because John is on the naughty list, let’s have tragedy strike him. No. That’s not how it works. I try to think of it like this. Each of us has a path mapped out by God. He has a plan of where he wants us to go that will be the best thing for us. But of course none of us stay directly on path, if we did we would all be perfect and we’re not. But when we stray off paths, we run into other people’s, or they run into ours and it takes it out of balance. We cannot control what choices other people make so it is hard to stay on one path.

            The point is: regardless of how off track we get, in the end we will go where we were originally intended to be. And it’s not going to be easy. It’s never going to be easy. People will hurt you. You might hurt other people. Bad things are going to happen and we may never know why. But it is at those times, and all the time if you can, to look at your life, your past, your present, and what your future may hold and realize all of the blessings that are present. Yes, sometimes God has to make sacrifices for us. But he doesn’t just bring the bad down upon us, he is also the one responsible for all of the good things in your life. So when things do get hard, it may be tempting to ask Him, why? Why me? Or why did it have to happen to them? Because we may never understand His reason. We just need to say Okay this happened, now how am I going to respond to it? That is what attitude is. And if you have a positive attitude about life, then regardless of the bad, you always see the sun coming up on the horizon. You know that with each new day may bring new happiness, new blessings, new life.

            It’s not going to be easy I can tell you that much. But it will be worth it in the end. So keep your chin up, your prayers high, and know that there is a purpose for all of this madness that goes on down here. He is never absent, he is always watching and planning for the greatest things. Just have faith and hope. Today is a new day. So look forward to the new things it may bring. 

So Do You

I think daily, we are constantly reminded of reasons to appreciate this life that we are given. Whether it be a person, a response to something, or just a moment that takes you out of a selfish perspective to see the wonderful opportunities that lay at your doorstep. Today my reminder was an older man who came into my work today. He was very old but seemed very happy and at peace with himself. I, personally had been a little down on myself the past couple days. No particular reason. Well, maybe one. But anyways back to the old man and his wife. It was pretty slow in the restaurant at the time so I was just doing some deep cleaning trying to pass the time. I brought them their food. He talked to me for a little while about his family. He showed me pictures of his grand children and his great grand children. And then he asked me if I’d like to see a picture of his pride and joy. I said yes of course. So he pulls out a picture of two cleaning products, one with a label “Pride” and the other labeled “Joy”. I started laughing and said that was a good one. Thought about personally using it myself but since I’ve mentioned it on here now I don’t think it would work, not only that but I don’t know if I could pull of the whole comedic act anyways. As I kept working he or his wife would mention something to me. He made jokes about charging me for his food and what not. And I said I’m happy to be serving someone with such personality. To that comment he responded, well I have to be in a good mood, I’ve had over 15 surgeries in the past 10 months. I said wow, I almost have to have the dentist happy gas me just to clean my teeth. I can’t imagine that many surgeries in a hospital. Then he told me that in three cases they almost took his life. To that I said, well no wonder you’re such a happy person, you have so many reasons to appreciate and be thankful for your life. And he smiled and said, yes that’s right, but so do you.

            So do you.

And I really do. I needed that conversation and that moment in my life. I am a pretty thankful person. I realize and appreciate what I have been blessed with in my life. But sometimes you get so caught up in yourself, in your own world, and when your small little world isn’t going exactly as you’d like it to, you get down on yourself, and you forget about all of the good things, people, and opportunities that you have surrounding you. I try to remember to be thankful and say so every night before I go to bed. Just to take a couple minutes to think about all of the things in my life that mean so much to me. But then there will be days where my mind gets clouded with things I don’t have or things I can’t do and I’m misguiding myself. But it’s little things like that conversation I had with that gentleman and his wife today that bring me back to a position where I know how incredibly blessed I truly am. I love my life and I love the people and the things in it. (not all of the things and not all of the people [aka my batshit crazy boss]). But there is so little to be down about and so much to be happy about.

Like for instance how my WONDERFULLY AMAZING HANDSOME STRONG STUDLY boyfriend played in his game today. Regardless of the outcome of the game, he did so well and I am so so proud of him. Words can truly not express how excited and happy I was to watch him pitch. He has come so far. In all of the time that I’ve known Bryce, he either wasn’t in season for baseball, and when he was, he was injured. I know he has worked so hard, and has had so much motivation to get back to this point and now he’s healthy and doing amazing! So since this is the first time he’s actually played his sport, he can’t technically call me a cleat chaser ;) I just love him so much and am so proud of all that he has accomplished.

In other news in my life. Well there really isn’t any. Just enjoying summer and working. My mom and my grandma are going to come visit me in Pullman in a few weeks so that will be so nice to see them. Hope everyone is having either a good start or good continuation of their summer. I’m glad I have so many reasons to love my life and be happy. But so do you. :)

One day at a Time

Sometimes happiness requires patience, focus, and a lot of hard work. You would think that it shouldn't take effort to experience happiness. Well, it doesn't. It takes effort to put all of the bad out of your mind, take a step back, relax and enjoy what's going on around you. For some annoying reason, many of our brains are trained to think of the worst possible situations in any and sometimes EVERY situation. Maybe it is so that we as humans can no how to react in any given situation. Like, okay I'm happy right now but just in case the world is going to end in five hours I better prepare what I'm going to do about it. And if it ends up ending in 3 days instead, I'll be able to do this, this, and this. So it's not always easy to get out of that mind set once you put yourself in it. It's not always easy to look at your life and say I'm just going to be happy and whatever happens happens. I'll tackle the bumps in the road when I come across them. But no, for me I'm looking miles down the road trying to check for bumps that I can prepare for, even if there aren't any I can see. One might just pop up on me. Who knows. I'm not always like that. On other days I'm a one day at a time kinda girl. Just relaxing and soaking in the emotions I'm feeling whether they are happy or sad. 

And not to say that on the other days when I'm looking ahead the road that I'm not happy. I am happy. But it's like a multi tasking type happy where happiness is just one of the tasks on my to-do list along with anger, anxiety, hunger and sleepiness. And maybe that's the OCD side of me. It's like well I have this allotted period of time to be happy but I can't waste the whole day being happy because I have to fit stress over my homework in there somewhere. 

You might be thinking, wow, she's completely crazy. And maybe I am. But when I get to those days where I can just completely and utterly enjoy and soak in my happiness it is amazing. I wish I had every day to do it. But then the days would start to blend together and those days wouldn't feel so special. So yeah happiness might be on my to-do list occasionally but it makes me really appreciate those other days when I can let the happiness take me over. 

A Fish Tale

There's this rumor going around that if one drifts out of reach, that there's plenty of fish left in the sea. Well, pardon me, but I certainly beg to differ. Perhaps you're not a salt water fish, what then you have maybe an area of 50 to a hundred or maybe more feet of fish. Now how many fish can that really hold? Or on the contrary, maybe you're lucky enough to travel the swift moving current and meet a little bit larger bunch of fish as you travel in one way or another. And if you are lucky enough to have the choice of all the fish in the sea... Which sea might that be? The Red? The Berring? Or possibly all of the Seven. Well if I were a fish seeking another, I would prefer my smorgasbord be a pick of all in the ocean. Any ocean in particular. Since the seas lie within the oceans. But even then, I would still have my limitations. What with age, gender, size, species. I'm sure that would still leave me a sizable group to choose from. But I'm not the fish in this scenario. However there was one in particular I was looking for. After using up nearly all of my bait, breaking hook after hook after hook. Spinners, sparkly and dangly things. Shiny. Some big some small. But never enough to quite hook the one that I not only wanted, but needed. Until the day that I cast my last hook out. An overcast day turned to storm. And anyone who knows me knows that I hate the wind and it ripped and roared. But after all that trouble, all that bait I used to try to hook the perfect fish. I couldn't turn in just because of a hiccup in the weather. Call it fate, destiny, luck, God's own hand, what have you. But I cast out the last of everything I had. All my chips in. And when I hooked that baby I knew it was the one. I felt it as I reeled as fast and as strong as I possibly could, knowing or not knowing that this could possibly be my last fish I'd ever catch. 

Only to my dearest and honest surprise, I wasn't reeling in the big fish I had been expecting. 

Somehow, some way, my line (lifeline if you will) entangled and crossed paths with another. Another soul searching fisherman with his life on the line. And I don't know what power was behind those crossing lines, but it was better than a fish that any river, lake, sea, or any ocean could hold combined. And the funny thing about it was, I was putting my hand into a hat that I didn't know how big, or that it even existed in that moment. Because what I ended up fishing for was not a slimy twitchy thing that you can find in any old pond or river. What I found was guidance, support, and love that no fish could ever in a million years provide. 

And when you have nothing left to give, why not give it your all? You might come out on top of the world being the most blessed and lucky girl anyone had ever known. 

I'm sure you've heard a big fish tale or two in your lifetime, and if not you will soon. But believe it or not, what I caught, was bigger and worth more than you'll ever seen in a thousand lifetimes. 

Enjoy It While You're Here

Wow. It will never continue to amaze me how faster and faster each year goes by. I continually think “there’s no way this year will go faster than last year” and at the end of each and every year, I sit here thinking the same exact thing: “did that year just happen?” FATHER TIME PLEASE SLOW IT DOWN I’M NOT READY. If only he would listen. If he was listening, I wouldn’t already be halfway through my college career. Sometimes I sit and wish my life away planning out how my career will be, my dogs name, what my wedding will be like, and how many kids I’m going to have. And at the end of each year like this I sit and wonder, why would I ever wish my life away like that? And each year I also think to myself that there’s no way next year could top this next one, and once again I’m proven wrong.

            Now let’s get to the real stuff: my sophomore year in college is over. Like the snap of my fingers. So many people. So many memories. So many changes. I have learned so much. (And not just in school.) I think I met more new people this year than the past four years combined. I’ve loved every minute of this year. (Relatively).  I’ve had ups and downs, but over all it has definitely been my most memorable year yet. But how could I expect less? With each new year I carry with me the new people and new things I have in my life.

            In this year I have decided what I want to do with my life. I had the best concert experience of my life (and touched Blake Shelton’s boot). I moved into my first apartment.  There are innumerable amounts of things that I did this year that I will hold on to forever. Although I will one day be excited to get out of college and into the real world, I know I’m not quite ready yet and I still have more memories and mistakes to make. School has never been my absolutely favorite thing, but I do enjoy it at times. Especially college. There is truly nothing like it. There are some things that I don’t like about it. But how could you not love living on your own without ALL the responsibilities of being a full on adult yet? It really is wonderful.

            Now after this year is said and done I have a few things to say and people to thank. First of all, to my family: thank you so much for supporting me in everything I do. I know that no matter what choices I make, good or bad, you all will always be there and have my back. No matter how many fights or what family drama is taking place, when someone needs one of you, you are always there for them. I love you all so much.

            To one of the best people I know, and my roommate for at least half of this year, Mags. Regardless of what happens you were always there for me. You are such a fun person to be around. I have made some of my best memories over the past two years with you. Between streaking the stadium and watershed, its hard to pick the best. But thank you for being a wonderful friend and roommate.

            And of course, you knew you had to be in here Bryce Jackson, since you’ve become just about the biggest part of my life and my bestest friend in the entire world. You are such an amazing person and influence on me. This year couldn’t have gone any better because of you. I have already experienced so many amazing things with you. New years, shooting shot guns, fishing, camping, I can’t get enough of any of it with you. I know that no matter what happens in the next few months, we’ll be as strong as ever. And thank you to your family for accepting me to hang out with them all the time. They are amazing too so I know where you get all of your beautiful qualities from. I hope in the next year we will still be watching Duck Dynasty on Wednesday nights and having my best friend always there with me. But just remember that I’ll support you in whatever you do or whatever decisions you make. I am always always here. I love you.

            I also must mention some of my other pretty-much-roommates, Ty and Chelsey. J You two rock and I’ve had so much fun spending time with you. Camping and fishing. At least I have someone who knows how terrible it is to have the twins ganging up on you. I can’t believe you’re leaving me next year Ty. I mean c’mon we just became best friends. It will be extremely weird with you not being here. But I know you’ll be in my life for a long time because I’m kind of crazy about your brother, so guess what, you’re stuck with me. Lucky you. I wish you the very best of luck on your new journey. I know you’ll do amazing things.

            I just can’t believe this year is over already. I feel like I should at least still have a few months of it left. But no, in a few months I’ll be starting a completely new year. And, like this one, I know I’ll make great memories and great friends and it will be an even better one, if that’s possible. So I’ll take all of these lessons I’ve learned, and memories I’ve made and go on to the next one. There’s no need in dwelling on the fact that another year is over. It is sad. But time is a forever-changing force that cannot be stopped. So the best thing to do is take everything you can and keep going along, because if you spend your time in the present thinking about the past, how are you supposed to make new memories to be remembered in the future? (this is some deep sh** going on right now, I know)

            Here’s a toast to the upcoming summer, the upcoming year, and all of the years to come. Enjoy it while you’re here.

An Ode to Something Special

You know what the best thing in the entire world is? Well I'll tell you.

Any mood, any situation, any person, any feeling you're having, there is at least one country song out there to suit your mood. 

Whether it's here for a good time and five o'clock somewhere, 

Or its one of those laughing till you're crying, gonna miss this type moods. You're girlfriend broke up with you. 

You broke up with your girlfriend. 

Gone fishing. 

Enjoying a beer. 

Lost a loved one. 

Making memories. 

Making love. 

There is literally not a song you can't relate to something. 

And it's so....so American!! What do I wanna play when there's fireworks going on the Fourth of July? Brad Paisley. Dancing at a concert? Luke Bryan's my guy. Expressing feelings of love? I go to George. Just want to have a good time? Jason, Eric, or all of the above. And that's just dipping your toes in the water of country music (Zac Brown).

If you just feel like sobbing your eyes out or having the roughest year of your life, there's always country songs to attune to your mood. 

If you got cheated on, Taylor, Carrie, and Miranda have your back. 

Country music has that good feelings, bonfire on a Friday night, baseball, fishing, woo your woman kind of attitude.  

The what I would call epitome of the American culture.

Obviously our culture has been frequently into rap, hip hop, techno whatever you wanna call it. I mean I like other kinds of music too but nothing compares to country music. 

Country music videos can have sexy girls in bikinis dancing in the back of pick up trucks. Or sexy tan men in cowboy boots, wranglers, with a cowboy hat on picking up lemonade on the side of the road. Sexy people without degrading words or explicit images.

Country music can talk about sex and making love without calling the girls bitches or hoes. My baby loves to "FISH"!! Who would've suspected ;) Yeah Craig we know you're not actually talking about fishing. Hehe. 

I mean I feel like I'm rewriting Brad Paisleys "This is country music" but that's essentially exactly what it is. 

Pissed off, hurt, heart broken, depressed, 

Utterly in love, having the time of your life, unbelievably happy in every way, out on the town for some fun. 

Every mood, every situation, I honestly cannot think of a time in my life where I couldn't relate what I was going through to a country song. And for me, it always seems like there's a new country song they play on the radio at just the right time when I need it. 

The other day being tickled and attacked while driving and Easton Corbin's "All over the road" plays and is perfect. 

Not only that, I can attach so many of my greatest and hardest memories to a particular song and every time I hear that song it takes me back. 

And then there are the songs that make me look forward to my future, and the ones that lead me to embrace my past. 

I don't just relate it to the mood I'm in either. 

A sad country song can turn me from the highest mood to bring me to tears. 

Or hide my tears and have me smiling, laughing, and singing along. 

Country music makes the city people want to be cowboys and cowgirls and the cowboys and cowgirls sit back and realize how good they have it.

It makes riding in a truck with the windows down epic. 

It makes me think of camping at the lake, fishing, drinking "beverages" (how dare you think that! I'm not 21 yet sillies) summer sun, being free and not having a care in life. 

In that moment when a country song plays and everyone sings along, they are all sharing memories and feeling the same things and different things all at the same time but just thinking about those moments gives me chills. When those songs play and everyone sings along I get goosebumps every single time.

Amongst the homework, the drama, all the stresses of life, it can put me in a memory, a daydream that is happiness at it's finest. 

It is my cure for any glum moods. 

It's like the fairy tale of music. If you want it to be. 

Each and every country song tells a story of some kind. Has a past behind it. Or a memory to come. 

And the best part about it? Of all music, it is the one that sounds the best of all genres of music when played live. No voice overs, no fake, just a man and his guitar (or woman). 

Country music is without a doubt the best thing in the world. It's perfect in all it's imperfect stories. It's simple. They tell you how it is. There's nothing better than country music. And that's why so many people are such die hard country fans. And even the ones that aren't die hard fans still show love for it. Because it reaches out to everyone. 

Every time I'm listening to a country song that just fits my mood perfectly I just want to share it with everyone and say listen to this! It's so perfect!!...I don't. Don't worry. People would go crazy if I did that. 

And you know what made me think of this? 

I was listening to the song "letter to me" by Brad Paisley and I was thinking about how much I missed the simplicity of being young and how easy it is and how much I loved being little, and loved being in high school.

How I wish I knew at the time how amazing it was that I could do whatever I wanted and how every little thing seemed like the big things. How I wish at that age that we could even comprehend how easy and simple it was, but there's no way that we can know that. There's no way we can know in the moments we're in what we'll feel like 5, 10, 20 years from now about this moment right now. 

And now thinking about this, thinking about how I'll look back on this moment and say things like "Oh remember those times in college. We were crazy. We were so young and life was so simple" 

And that's exactly it. That's what country music does. Each song, three or four minutes, does something like that and it's something different for each person. But it's something. Oh yeah, it's definitely something alright, like nothing else in this world. 

And that's why I love country music. Do you get it yet? 

Don't Forget to Remember

I have two things to talk about today. 

First. 

I was reminded of something today. I read something that someone said about if you repeat something over and over again it loses it's meaning. And then I think about all of the things that I do in my every day life and when I first started doing them they were so exciting. I'm even thinking back to when I first started getting to pick out what clothes I wore for the day. How happy I was when I got to do that, when I got the freedom to choose what I wanted to wear. Now most every day it's yoga pants or leggings because I've grown lazier and lazier about what I wear to school. But I don't even think about that any more. And no offense mom, but I don't know that Id want you picking out my clothes for school every day! 

And although that is just a simple freedom, it lost its meaning to me because I do it so often. 

And even now, after living on my own (outside of a dorm) it's only been almost 8 months and I don't even think about it anymore. At first it was so exciting, it was like I was having a sleepover every night at someone else's place, but now it's just "eh". I mean I don't even think about it. 

And I don't want the small things AND the big things to become meaningless to me. A way I have been trying to be grateful for all of the small and big things in my life is thanking God for them every single night and asking for forgiveness when I do take things for granted. 

I don't want to wake up one day and get a morning kiss and think nothing of it. Because maybe one day I won't have that luxury. One day I won't even get the luxury of waking up. And that's inevitable. I was actually just thinking about that the other night amongst my late night thoughts. Of what it would be like if I didn't get to wake up tomorrow, if that day was my last day. Would I be okay with that? Will I have done everything that I wanted? 

I really take to heart the saying "what if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday" and I do thank him. Every day. 

But I still don't want things to lose their meanings to me. I want everyday to be like the first day I moved out on my own. 

I want every dinner I cook to be like the first one I got to (HA just kidding none of us want my first meal I ever cooked) 

I want every kiss to feel like the first. 

And everyone probably thinks something like this at some point in our lives but then it becomes distant like a lot of those New Years resolutions we make every year. 

But maybe it doesn't have to be. 

It only takes a second or two to think about how wonderful something is. 

Or even those things that aren't so wonderful anymore like deciding what to wear. You could think about how happy you are to get to choose to wear yoga pants when your mom might have wanted you to wear a dress or something uncomfortable. 

It's not going to be every single thing I do every single day. But a few things I do every single day. The important things that might not always seem that important. 

Nothing is forever. 

Second. 

Speaking of taking things for granted. It doesn't occur to me every time I think about the future how lucky I am. 

When I think about who I'm going to marry I don't have to worry about where I am ALLOWED to get married or difficulties I might have to go through. I think about what my dress will look like and who is on the invited list and which crazy family members who need to be monitored by the bar. 

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I'm not saying that you have to support gays and lesbians. It's your choice on how you feel. But how unhappy would you be if you couldn't be joined for life with the one you love because of how people felt about your spouse choice? 

We live in the most free and forgiving place. It may not always seem that way, and in some ways it actually isn't that way. But why when we have so many controlled things already, control something that we can choose to free? 

I know it's frustrating when people don't feel the same way that you do, but that doesn't make it fair to take something away from them. At least in this case. It's frustrating for me too, because I always try to see both sides of a story but I really feel that people are just preventing others from being happy when it hardly involves them at all. 

We're all people. We all have feelings. Take others into consideration. And be grateful for what you have. 

What I want to be when I grow up

I feel like every time I'm writing in my blog now it's about change and uncertainties and certainties and things along those lines. But I feel like at this point in a persons life you are already going through so many changes physically and mentally. I mean, sure, there are things that I know are solid, like family and friends. I know that when I come out of college it's going to be with SOMETHING. I just don't know what. When I was five I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was in middle school I wanted to play beach volleyball. When I was in high school I wanted to be in high school for the rest of my life. At the end of high school I wanted to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. At the beginning of this year I wanted to be a writer (that never went away but I didn't think I was a good enough one). At the end of last semester I was going to be an English major and then maybe be a teacher afterwards. Then I wanted to just be an English teacher. Now once again I don't know. I did some teacher shadowing and I liked the look of it but I don't know if I want to do the same thing over and over again. I would love to be a journalist but I just don't know if my writing is quality enough or if it will ever get to that point. And at the end of this semester is when I'm supposed to be declaring my major and I don't even know what I'm going to do. I think I'm just afraid of making a final decision because, well, it's final. I know I need to decide. But I'm encountering that question in my life once again: what do I want to be when I grow up? I know things that I want. Like a family, children, I want to be able to have time with my family and not have to always choose work over family. I don't care about being rich but I want a stable life. I wish they paid you to be a soccer mom! (Although I don't like soccer, I'm thinking more like baseball-football-basketball in the case of boys). That would be ideal. But I hear that the whole mom business costs more than it pays (financially of course). In love and happiness being a mom I'm sure definitely pays more. 

I know I can't just be a professional student either. As much as I love constant stress from studying and homework. That costs too much to be worth it. So I don't exactly have the time to be one of those. 

What am I good at? What do I like to do? 

I like to be outdoors. I like kids. I like reading and writing. I like meeting new people my age. 

What am I good at? Rambling on in my blogs. I'm good at reading and researching (if some girl starts talking to my boyfriend you bet your ass I can find out who she is what she does if she's single where she's from, etc). So maybe I could be a good journalist. I don't know?!!! I'm so lost and stressed because if I don't want to be a teacher, well I'd still have many classes to take for it but I will also be behind in com classes for journalism. Lets just say that I'm definitely not finishing in four years. Jeez. What the heck am I going to do?! I know that I'll never be a Shakespearian researcher. I'm done with that guy. Yikes. 

It's frustrating. I know I don't want to work a minimum wage job. I'm not good at the one I had haha. 

God. I thought I had it all figured out for a solid two months. How comforting was that? But at least I got a taste of what it's like before I got too deep into it. But the question still remains: what do I want to be when I grow up? 

I wish someone had the answers for me. But no one does. Not even me. 

And it's frustrating but I know that things have a way of falling into place. But I also know that I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I need to make choices that will affect my life. 

And therein lies the problem. I don't want to have a career that I don't love or at least enjoy. 

But I don't know what I'm good at AND would enjoy. 

So many questions and decisions to answer and make. 

And I might be making a huge decision at the end of this year which in itself would be changing my life drastically. 

So I guess we will just see what happens. 

I know big changes are about to happen so all I can do is just learn to embrace and accept them and make the most of whoever I'm with and whatever I'm doing and be happy. 

Free Falling

How funny life is. One moment you think you have everything planned out exactly as you expect it to go, and the next, you have no idea what you're going to do, where you're going to go, or what will happen to your future. You don't even know enough to make any concrete plans of any kind. One day, one decision, or even one person can turn your whole world around. It's almost as though you're on the roller coaster ride of your life but there aren't just the ups and downs, at this point you've completely derailed the track. You see the tracks on the other side but you don't know if you'll make it or how to even attempt getting there. You still see the future you want, but the path to get there has changed. It has changed by a combination of fate, decision, and that faith that you can't see or touch but can feel and trust in your heart. People will question your decisions your judgement, that faith that you have. At times you may even second guess yourself. But then you remember why you made the choice to believe in something beyond yourself and to have faith in something that questioned everything you had known up until that point. You realize that no matter what happens, no matter what path or track you get on, there are two seats in that cart for a reason. You're not doing it alone. That faith you have is in someONE not something. And not only that, there are those carts behind you filled with family and friends that support your every decision regardless of how crazy or reckless it might be. They're in your life for the long haul. So, as scary as it may be, as uncertain as you are, hang on tight or throw your hands in the air, because either way you're gonna keep going and you're gonna get there one way or another. It might be a bumpy ride, but it'll be new and fun and maybe the best experience and decision you've ever made. You won't know till you get there but the trip is the exciting part. 

So I'm off the tracks, if you're with me or if you're not. One hand in the air and one hand in his. Don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. But I have faith, love, and support and that's all I'll ever need. 

Here I Go

I'm sorry if I've offended. It's not you but it's me. It seems I'm better off. I'm a better person you see. We had our fun. We spent some time. You say, get on with this stupid rhyme. You have changed and so have I. I'm not here to please. I asked God to please rid me of my enemies. And then I started losing friends. I will pick up the pieces and move on with my life, as should you. It may be better off this way. You influence me poorly. And then I treat you poorly. We're no good together you see? We were thrown together with vodka and loss. I'm not yours to boss around. I have my own life to live. We must be the change we want to see in our lives. I see a change, so I'm changing myself. If you don't fit it's not my fault. Maybe this is blunt, but I'm not rolling any. You are. I'm better off without. Without this without that. Without you? I guess we'll find out. This is no joke. This is no pun. This game were playing, I'm done. Your words are simply a reflection of what you see not just me. You say, step into my shoes, but have you of mine? I do not think so. So judge not unless you plan to be the image of perfection for the rest of your life. Now here I go to live mine. 

Days Like These

So this one day, I was going to visit one of my very best friends. I was so excited. And then this boy, who was a smart ass, thought he was my best friend’s best friend. I wasn’t having any of it. I had heard of him before, seen him before, met him before (although he didn’t quite remember it). Sure, he seemed friendly enough. But I have mistaken friendliness for jackass multiple times before so my guard was way up. He was persistent. Every day he would text me. We hadn’t even officially met yet. I thought he was all talk. A sweet talker indeed. He said he wasn’t. But why should I believe him? Or any other guy for that matter on anything any of them say? And they have no reason believing anything I say either.

I went along with it though. With the blessings of a couple trusting friends, I let my guard down a tad bit. My hopes were still buried though. I wasn’t about to get them up just to have them let down. But we kept talking. He showed no sign of slipping or that he was pretending to be what he said he was. In fact, he would later prove to be everything he said he was.

And then on that glorious day, the day of the Apple Cup of course, we met at last. Well, we met again, but both in our right state of mind this time. I’ll tell you one thing: I was a nervous wreck. Had no idea what to expect. What if I didn’t like him in person? What if he didn’t like me in person? What if I wasn’t attracted to him or him to me? All these worrisome thoughts flowing through my head as I stood shivering in the stands behind the field goal where my friends and I usually stood, waiting for the game to begin.

I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was much taller than I had remembered. The only time I had ever seen him, I never knew if I was seeing him or his twin, so I just called whoever it was at the time “twin”. But all of those encounters were very brief. And nothing could prepare me for what was about to unfold.

He strolled down the bleachers very smoothly. In my mind, I was hoping he was just as nervous as I was because then I wouldn’t feel like such a dork. He said hi to some friends and made his way over to me.

That was the last first moment of falling.

 He gave me a big hug. And I say big not because of the gesture, but because he was just a lot bigger than I was.

All of my worries went out the window for the moment. He was handsome and charming and sweet. Everything at that point that he said he was. Although he wouldn’t admit that he was handsome, I knew he would be. And then after such a brief moment I was stripped away from him. Standing on the other side of the student section, as much as I was trying to pay attention to such an exhilarating game, my eyes couldn’t help but keep wandering back to that area. Already, after only merely five minutes with him, I was longing to be back with him again. If I only knew then how that feeling would never ever go away again when I’m not with him.

That game was amazing. My friends and I almost left during the third quarter. And a rough quarter it was, but we Cougs powered through and into overtime. So many exciting and edge-of-your-seat moments in it. Storming the field. And we came out victorious. Two victories that would happen that day for me. One: grabbing that Apple Cup win with my school. Two: getting that handsome boy to fall with me.

Later that day, since it was an early game, I said my byes to all of my family that came to watch the game. It was past their bedtimes anyways. After such a thrilling game, my friends and I kind of had to power ourselves back up and rally if we wanted to do anything exciting that night. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but I just stayed and followed along with the crowd of my friends, which turned out good for me in the end.

My hands were shaking as I was fixing my make-up and hair. I told my friends how nervous I was again to see him. But also so excited. Something about him got my blood pumping and my heart thumping.

We walked down through the parking lot to another friend’s apartment. Thank goodness for friends of friends because it happened to work out in my favor that night. I walked in the door, immediately scanned the room as quickly as I could without seeming obvious and saw him there again. Looking gorgeous as ever. Those big brown eyes, that beautiful smile. Wait wait Sydney you’re around people, focus. And all of that went through my mind in the matter of a second or two. I mentally pulled myself together and walked over to the empty couch with my best friend and sat down. (Act casual Sydney, play it cool, don’t seem too interested even if you are).

That mindset didn’t last long. I don’t know what it was about him, but he made me just open up and not worry about trying to play a certain attitude or persona. He just allowed me to be myself, without even trying to. We kind of looked a little awkwardly and shyly at each other at first, but once we started talking, you couldn’t pull us apart. And when he wasn’t talking to me, regardless of who I was talking to my eyes followed him. I couldn’t take them off. Again, I tried to make it subtle but I’m sure it wasn’t.

We talked. And talked. And talked some more. Flirted. Fell. Laughed. Fell. Joked. Fell. Smiled. And fell deeper and deeper. By the end of the night, the last first kiss.

And that was all it took. Day after day we talked more and more. Hung out more and more. Laughed more and more. Fell more and more. More of everything. And deeper and deeper I went. At this point there was no turning back, no second guessing. It was too late. He had me.

And now, each and every day he helps me become closer to the person that I strive to be. He brings all of the good things out in me. His goodness rubs off on me and makes me better. All of the influence he has on me is good. Everything about him is good. And it makes me want to be just as good. So many times in my blogs I write about the bad in the world and the bad people in the world, but I always say at the end that I know there are good people in the world who make this world worth living in. He is one of those people. He makes me happy. He gives me the courage to be who I want to be. He is someone that I can look up to. And because I’ve met his family, I know where he gets all of the good that is in him, and I know that it goes through so deeply and that it is real.

You may be sitting here reading this, if you still are reading this, thinking blah blah, this is just sappy and cliché, or whatever you would want to call it. And yes. That is exactly what it is. It is happy, it is sweet, it is true.

I just went through the KHQ Facebook page this morning and all I see are shootings and robberies and injuries and accidents and death and discouraging things. So maybe people get so used to seeing unpleasant things that when they read something that is real AND good, it just doesn’t seem like it could be real at all. But we need real, good, happy things in this world.

Today it is sunny and beautiful and I am happy and blessed to have the people in my life that I do. All of the people. All of my friends and family and relatives and friends of friends, acquaintances, and especially people like Bryce that make me so happy and do so many things to make me a better, happier person.

Today I am happy. There will be days that I am not as happy, but I know that the better days will come, so I just want to let myself know that I am blessed and grateful and to cherish days like these so that when I’m not having such a good day, I can look forward to days like these.