Cheers.

What a year it has been. All of the things I've experienced and learned. All of the people I've met.

It seriously blows my mind how fast time goes. Everyone has those "it feels like only yesterday I was doing blah blah blah" moments. Here's a few from me. 

It feels like yesterday on the last day of junior high with all of my friends thinking about how great the summer is going to be and what high school was going to be like. (Little did I know I was going to Ferris not LC). 

It feels like yesterday I made the decision to move to Montana and start all over again in a new place with an entirely new group of people.

It feels like yesterday playing my last home volleyball game with my amazing team. And baking cookies (or buying) for every home baseball game and sitting in the dugout, trying to keep the book and being somewhat terrified of the coach. 

It feels like yesterday I graduated high school, and went to all of my friends grad parties and then having the summer of a lifetime before college and before bigger responsibilities set in. 

It feels like yesterday moving into my dorm, wanting to cry because my mom was leaving me.

Sophomore year feels like yesterday. Junior year feels like yesterday. The beginning of this last semester feels like yesterday. 

How can time be so constant yet move so quickly in our minds? I'm actually afraid to wake up one day and realize my whole life is behind me. When really, I should wake up every day knowing my whole life is ahead of me. That each day isn't promised. We know that. Yet we treat our days like we're guaranteed another. It is such a hard habit to break. 

I was sitting today thinking about how I'm gonna be 22 in a month. And all I could think was OH MY GAWD IM GETTING SOOO OLD. But how lucky am I to have had (almost) 22 wonderful years. Not that every day or every year was perfect. But I am so blessed for the days, the people, and support that I've had these past (almost) 22 years. 

And as we enter 2015, being no closer to 2000 than we are to 2030 (weird), maybe I should be making resolutions like get better sleep, stop eating pizza when you're drunk, stop taking off your shoes in public when you're drunk, maybe stop drinking. It's bad for your liver. (I really don't drink that much for a college student). Exercise more, procrastinate less. You were so close to straight As! One away! Let's get that this time. 

But no. 

All I want to do in 2015, is appreciate the fact that I am alive in 2015. If I can do that, all those other things will follow suit. Well maybe not the pizza. 

I love pizza. 

But I also love being alive. So maybe a little less pizza would do me good. 

I just want the simple things. Appreciate what I have and my life. Love more, worry less. Be nice to everyone, even if I think they don't deserve it. 

This is such a typical New Years blog and cliché. But what I never understood was what was wrong with being a little cliché every now and again. What's wrong with being cheesy (like pizza). Just kidding. Sorta. But I mean cheesy cute and sweet and funny. Like cheesy like the cheesiest cutest pick up line you've ever heard. That kinda cheesy. What's wrong with that? Nothing, that's what. 

I know I'm going to have my days this year when it just all doesn't seem fair. But I hope I remember this idea about life and how fantastic it is, and that it'll get better, even when it's at its worst. 

I just want to appreciate the life I'm living while I still get to live it. That's all. 

So here's to life...and to God for blessing me with it. 

What more could anyone ask for? 

Now all I can think about is how much has changed in a year. And how much will probably change over this year. Who knows what the future holds for us. 

Cheers. 

I'm not crazy I promise

It sucks, you know. Losing one of your best friends. And yeah, she's a dog. But that doesn't mean she was any less of a best friend than a human could be. Probably better than any human could ever be. We did everything together. You may think I'm crazy because it makes me cry thinking about not seeing her, but then I think you're crazy if you could never love a dog like a best friend. She was my best friend, my shoulder...or whole body to cry on. She was like my child too. I say she "was" not because she's dead or anything. Just gone. I should have fought harder for her. Especially after everything we've been through together. And the thing that sucks the most is that she probably thinks I abandoned her. I wish I could just explain that I wanted what was best for her. She's not a child, although she feels like one to me. But it wouldn't have been good for her to go back and forth between places. I was just trying to do what's best for her and because of it, she probably thinks I don't love her. I love her so much it hurts. With all my heart. And that is the sole reason I gave her up. You're seriously probably reading this, if you're still reading, thinking I'm out of my mind. But for a year and a half, her and I did everything together. We watched Marley and Me together about a thousand times. (Don't worry I turned off the ending for her). We walked and played fetch in SUNSHINE, 110 DEGREE HEAT, BLIZZARDS, POURING RAIN. It didn't matter. Marley needed her play time and I made sure she got it every damn day, I tried for multiple times a day, but if not, we played hide and seek in our apartment. She's too good at hide and seek. We cuddled...A LOT. More than I've ever cuddled with anyone. We went fishing  and hiking. We had too many fun play dates with Miss Korra, aka her best doggy friend. When I needed to just get out of the house, she came with and stuck her head out the window floppy tongue and all. She always ALWAYS helped me finish my meals. Her drool reaching the ground from her mouth was priceless. I cried so many times into her fur and she always laid there until I felt better. There's nothing quite like walking into my house every single day knowing that she was gonna be there in .2 seconds jumping and attacking me with kisses. 

She's heard more secrets than I can even remember. We, I mean I talked a lot to her haha. All the time. Full on conversations. Well one sided conversations but she probably understood every word of it and thinks I'm crazy too. I've almost lost a hand or two trying to keep up with her in tug of war. She likes to lay upside down, legs spread, mouth open passed out like the cutest thing in the world.

Oh and she knows how to take a hella cute selfie 💁👸.

I got to see her lay her first poop in the house half on the couch half on the couch pillow. Still love her to death. When we first got her, I slept on the hard kitchen floor with her for a week because I didn't want her to be scared or homesick. 

I cried the day we brought her home because I didn't think I would be a good dog owner and didn't think she'd like me. 

She knows my every mood and exactly how to make me feel better or laugh. 

There is NO better dog in this entire world than Marley Mae, I don't care what any of you say. 

I know she'll be okay. She'll be a happy dog with a happy life. But no one, no dog will ever replace her in my heart. And I hope no one can replace me in hers.

Dogs are truly mans best friend because Marley is the best friend I'll ever have. 

It really does suck. Like a part of me is missing now.

Oh and I know that no dog will ever replace her, but still, if someone wants to get me a puppy for Christmas to fill the void in my life, I wouldn't complain at all. I like labs or goldens. Just make sure to poke holes in the box. Well you knew that.
And here is a bunch of my faves.

Cycles

So I was listening to the song "fifteen" by Taylor Swift and in it she says when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them". It's crazy how in 5 or 6 years you go from believing every word they say, to questioning every word they say. I think the thing with boys is (and girls too) in high school they say what they feel because that's what they think they're supposed to do, and it is. But as they get older they learn to say what the other person wants to hear just to get what they want. And after falling for the lies too many times, even if someone good does come along, no one believes it. People start telling you if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And in most cases it likely is too good to be true. But we'll never know because we never give the chance to find out. 

And that's the shitty thing about love nowadays. It's easier to not fall into it because it saves you the trouble of opening yourself up to someone who could possibly tear you down. We don't like feeling vulnerable. We don't like not having control. Because when you give your heart to someone you're giving them control of all of you because you know and they know that they have the opportunity to break it if they choose to. 

I wish people would just say what they want. If you don't want anything, say it. If you want everything, say it. If you just want sex, say it. If you wanna fall in love and give every bit of yourself, SAY IT. But no one does. No one wants to be the sappy one or the vulnerable one or the asshole. It makes sense. I know it does. Who wants to be the honest one when no one else is? 

Life is this never ending cycle of wishing that things could be one way, but not doing it because no one else does. I wish everyone would be open about how they feel and what they want, but I'm not gonna be the one to open myself up when no one else does it either. Thus, the cycle of wanting but not doing. 

So if one day you pass me by and see a very large wall built up around me, just know that it took a lot of time and assholes to do it. It wasn't supposed to be that way. 

Only Words

And in a second, everything changes. The words come out of your mouth as they pour into my mind. Spine-tingling, mind-numbing words. So many words but nothing to say. Everything you (or I) thought before is now seen from a new perspective. Not the same. Will never be the same. Forever changed and unchangeable. These words, the words that are so hard to get out will mean nothing to you but are trapped in me. The only way I can get them out is here. Here and now. Even so, they might not make sense to me later. How can something so evolutionary, so normal, be so complex and so out-of-this-world. I am not asking you. I am telling you. Not just one thing is changing in one life. Everything changing. Every life. 

On that day, that one little flame set the world on fire. Uncontrollable, untameable, unstoppable. Not that there was anyone there to stop it. It was inevitable. Destiny? I wouldn't go that far. But is not everything in our life already decided? There may be a divine soul out there choosing our fate right now. Who lives. Who dies. Deciding the change. Is our fate set from the start or does it change as we go along. 

I find myself frequently looking up at the stars. Looking up or looking at. Sometimes even I do not know. What do I feel? What am I supposed to feel? Right now I feel selfish. I also feel that non explainable sense when you realized a change has taken place and you want to go back to where you started. Feeling almost helpless because you know that you are not intelligent enough to come up with a way to change it back or to go back in time. To youth. Yes, I am still in my youth but being pulled at a remarkable speed out of it. Unfair. That is what I want to call it. Unfair seems to be the proper word but it is not. But the word we are looking for is not "unfair", as much as we want it to be. It would be much easier that way, would it not? But we all know what that word is. That ten letter word that we hate to hear, love to prove wrong, and cry because we know it is true. 

Impossible

They tell us no thing is impossible. No feat. No task. No wish is impossible if we just set our minds to it. They were right. Because in my mind, no thing is impossible. But outside of my mind it seems, sometimes, that everything is impossible. 

So with all of this, what do we know? What do we have? And what can we do?
We know a change has occurred. This change is irreversible and it is forever changed.
We have life, we have love, we have one another. 
And the hardest one: what can we do?
We can take many paths with this one.
We can accept this change as a gift, as a choice, as a fate.
We can accept it.
And the latter. We can not accept it.

What do I want to do? I have yet to decide. Of course I do not want to accept it. Whoever, divine being or human being. Whatever, whoever caused this. This change. I do not want to accept it. Unfair. Unfair. Unfair. 
Impossible. Change. Acceptance. 
In time you need to accept things as they come, as they are. I am still working on that part. With everything in my life. It is always hard to accept change. Eventually it will happen. Right? I can only hope.

But until then, I will be here, writing, thinking, unaccepting of these difficult changes. Thinking, wishing, hoping for those impossibilities. 

And they said no thing was impossible. 

I want to be

I've been thinking so much about time lately because I feel like I have a shortage of it and I also feel like it's running out. I don't know why I feel this way because I know, unless tragedy strikes, time will not run out. But my time here in this place will. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't want to grow up! Don't make me do it! Mom, I mean Santa, I will give back all of the Christmas presents you ever gave me if I can just go back and enjoy my childhood. It's so unfair the way our minds work. When we're young, all we want to do is grow up and be older and we just wish time away. But before we can realize that we need to enjoy what we have, it's too late. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my childhood because I sure as hell did. But I'm not saying I didn't wish to be older or to grow up faster either. I want to be in the double digits. I want to be old enough to ride the big rides. I want to be a teenager. I want to be able to see R rated movies. I want to be 16 and have my license and drive. I want to be an adult so I am allowed to buy lotto tickets that I don't want and cigarettes that I won't smoke. I want to be 20. I want to be 21 and be able to buy my own alcohol. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I want to be able to cry in public when I'm unhappy and people don't give me weird looks, they just look at my parents weird. I want to be able to run into my parents' room and cuddle up in bed with them when I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night. I want my mom to tell me to cover my eyes when there's a kissing scene on a tv show or movie. I want my mom to make me soup and bring me juice in bed when I'm not feeling good. I want my mom to tie my shoes for me because I just can't get the bunny ears down. I want my parents to call a baby sitter so we can order pizza and watch semi scary movies while they go out to dinner and enjoy a night away from home without the kids. I want to carve pumpkins and decorate eggs and have an Easter egg hunt the next morning and find the Easter bunny left me a basket outside my door. I want to set out cookies and milk for Santa and try to stay up all night to see him, only to fall asleep ten minutes after I'm in bed. 

I want to be a kid again. 

I don't want to pay bills and cook for myself and figure out how to do taxes or take my car to get fixed. 

"I wish I knew then what I know now" 9 words that could never be more real than anything in the world but mistaken for humor more often than anything. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Wish our lives away. I know when we're kids we don't really understand it, but why can't we? Why can't we wait so much to just grow up, only realizing it's not what we wanted once we get there? 

I know there are so many good things in life coming up. I know that being a kid isn't the only part of your life where you can be carefree and happy. But I miss it. I miss it so much. Playing outside with my friends until it's dark. Playing hide and go seek (oh wait, I still do that). 

It's weird because when I think about it, my mind makes me feel like I'm going back to it someday. Like oh yeah I miss it, but we'll be back there someday soon and I can't wait. It's such an odd feeling. And knowing that you can't go back. 

I'm sorry future but I'm not ready for you yet. You can take back by big girl horizontal ID, my ability to gamble (or inability because I'm terrible at it). You can take back my license (or all of them since I lost quite a few), my learners permit, my teenage level of coolness, my double digits, my understanding of Santa, (he does exist) and the toothfairy and the Easter bunny. Take it all back so I can be a little kid again. Riding that big wheel like it's nobody's business. 

Have you ever thought of the idea that life has already happened for us and now it's just being played out in our eyes? That everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen is exactly as it's meant to be? 

I miss being a kid. I do. But I change my mind. Don't take it all back. I loved turning ten, and becoming a teenager, and having a surprise 16th birthday, and learning to drive on the pass from here to Montana in winter with ice and snow, and turning 18 and getting accepted into my favorite college of all time, and turning 20 and 21 and every day that I've had because it's gotten me to where I'm supposed to be. Here. Right now. With all of these amazing people I have had, and have right now in my life. All the mistakes I've made. Lies I've told. Truths that have hurt me. Words I can't take back. Kisses I won't forget. Memories that will live with me forever (except that I have short term memory loss...what was I saying?). I love reminiscing about my childhood and I miss it but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I know I'm walking the path that God intended for me and if he wanted me to relive my childhood, I'm sure he'd find a way to do it, but time travel doesn't seem to exist yet so it doesn't look like that's on the agenda of my life. I know I don't say it enough but I am so thankful for all of the opportunities and experiences that I've had in my life. I take it for granted sometimes, I know, but I love my life and all the people in it, good and bad, because they have gotten me to where I need to be and where I'm going to go. I am blessed. 

Life. It's pretty incredible huh? 

Tick tock

It is unfortunate that we humans have to live in the constraints of time. After all, time is a man made concept. There really is no such thing as time. In the non human world, animals and creatures just live. If they're hungry they find food, if they're tired they sleep. I know that as a society we need to have some form of control, and that's what time is. It's controlling. And so it's funny and ironic when people say "there's not enough time for me to do that", when really they have all the "time" in the world. Time never runs out necessarily. It's never ending but it feels so constraining. It's a weird paradox that way. 

I'm laying staring at the ceiling (and this phone now) listening to the ticking of the clock on the wall. If not for it, it would be silent. Maybe some traffic noise outside every once in awhile. But I can't stop the ticking. Can't get it out of my head. Trying to picture a world without time but I can't. 

I spend so much of my life waiting on time. Waiting for the next hour to arrive. Waiting for class to be over. Waiting until it's a reasonable hour to go to sleep. If I get up too early, I sit there waiting for the minutes to go by before I can leave at a reasonable time. Waiting for a text or a phone call. Always thinking about what a reasonable amount of time to wait for anything is, or to do anything.

I know there's nothing I can do about time because it's always going to be there, it has to. I only wish to spend less of my time waiting for a time. Just going and doing within the time that I do have. Because I know one day my time here will be up. And I don't know how soon or how far away that is. But I don't want to spend the minutes I have waiting to find out. 

Even though time is non existent, time is precious and valuable and should not be wasted waiting. Because if time were a thing, you wouldn't be able to stop it. Waiting doesn't do anything. Time goes and goes and goes without care for whether or not you want it to. 

It's funny when people talk about time traveling. Going into the past or going into the future. Yeah it was 1960 at one point but there's nothing there now. There's no time there. It doesn't exist anymore. Neither does any future time. Christmas is coming up but that doesn't mean it's there in the future. You can't fast forward to what doesn't exist yet. 

It's actually astonishing to think about time. Because it's just not possible. You can't stop or start or change or do anything with life. It's gonna just keep going. It's like if you were watching a video of your life. It would just play and everything would happen but you couldn't do anything but sit there and watch. No pausing, rewinding, fast forwarding. It's just going at a constant rate. 

And then it's weird how time feels like it's going fast sometimes and slow other times. My whole semester of math class felt like ten years but college itself has gone by in the blink of an eye. But life is just constant. It's just what you do with it and how you react to it is how it makes you feel. 

Even though it's hard to comprehend just know that time isn't waiting for you. It's not gonna stop in the great moments. It's not gonna fast forward through the tough moments. It's just going to keep going with or without you. And one day it'll go on without you. Don't spend time waiting for time to go by because it's going to anyways. 

This non existent, human made concept of time is never going to stop for you. 

Closed

It is an unfortunate state of mind to be in as one of uncertainty. You think you know one day and the next you don't. It goes back and forth like that for months but what can come of it? If you don't know what you want you cannot expect others to try to figure it out for you. Even God himself has a plan for you yet cannot be responsible all the time for knowing what you want, especially if you don't even know. 

I want a real love. A great love. I want to be head over heels, crazy about someone. I want to share all of my deepest secrets and share some amazing intellectual connection and new experiences together. I want an imperfectly perfect love. I'm truly a hopeless romantic on most days. And  on most days I think a love like this can happen. But I can't have that. Why you may ask. Because there was a point where I thought I found it. Was so sure of it for a period of time. And for that period of time it was great. How wrong I was. How did I get it so wrong? How could I be so unbelievably blind for so long? 

I just don't understand how a person could go that length of time thinking that they are with the right person and be utterly and completely wrong. And why it took so long to realize it. Where were those supposed signs to know that somewhere along the lines this isn't right for me?

So why in the world would I ever want to put myself through that again? Because what if I thought I was with the right person again but it took 10 years instead of 2 to realize it? What then? How does one ever even know when they're with "the one"? People say "Oh you'll just know". Well that's some bs because I thought I "knew" but I've never been more wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't experience good things and didn't learn from it, but I was most certainly wrong in my thinking. So how can I ever trust my instincts, intuition, gut, heart, head, any of it to tell me when I'm with the one? Maybe I'm one of those people that doesn't have the one out there for them. I don't like being alone so that would be hard for me. Maybe that's the lesson I need to learn. To like being alone. I'm good at being alone but I don't like it. 

And it doesn't even matter now if there is the right one out there for me because I'll likely not ever let myself get to that point to even begin finding out. My heart is too guarded. So "the one" could be walking by me but I push them away because I don't trust myself or anyone else when it comes to my heart anymore. And that is such an unfortunate thing. It really is. Because I want to experience that. That's the hardest thing. I want it so bad. People may think it's crazy, not being long from a previous relationship yet still wanting to be in love. Well no I don't want to be in that same relationship because it wasn't right. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Being single has its perks but what could be better than being with someone you love and/or are in love with? What is truly better than love?

Again, it doesn't matter now though because all the hope there is really gone because how do you get over not trusting yourself? You can work to have someone gain trust back from you if they've lost it but how do you gain trust back from yourself and your heart?

It's not like this is a new concept. It's not like I'm the only person to ever get love wrong and no longer trust themselves to get it right again. But no matter how many times it happens to how many different people it's still different for every person. We each have all of the other individual experiences and knowledge that play a part in it. 

And what's the point of even saying this if no one can ever understand your individual experience? Well for one, this blog is for myself, not anyone else. I don't expect people to read it I just post it because I can. 

But how do you overcome something like this? I know there are so many other hardships in life that one can go through and that each one is so significant to each person it affects. However, not a lot is worse than not being able to love or let love into your life. Or not trusting your own self to love. I haven't even thought about trusting someone else to love me. Because that's an entirely different risk to be taking, but to even get to that point you have to be able to allow that love into your life. 

So what now? 

Well I don't have an answer for anyone who is/has experienced something like this, nor an answer for myself. 

It's just an awful thing. 

Love can be the greatest and worst feeling in the world. 

I don't know

Mind wanders with aimless thoughts that keep me up at night. Heart beat irregularly fast for a Sunday night. And all I can think about is all that I can't do anything about. She smiles at you and you look away. The taste of his lips burns into my mind but is never quite enough. I don't want it but I want him to want it. To want me. But where does it go from here. Where does it end ever. Feeling too old but truly being too young to worry. They say not to take for granted what you have but what if what you have isn't what you want. Or need. How do you ever know if it's right. Is there really a right or wrong person for you or is the media and society just putting these images in front of your mind so that you're always searching and wanting and wishing for something more meanwhile never finding just exactly what that is so you put time and effort and money into things you don't want or need. They're stealing it from you. Giving you an idea, a concept of love that may not be real or may not exist and then you're alone. Always alone. Always searching.
And then there are those who have found the true meaning of love and what it's supposed to do and feel like. They feel the warm embrace of their imperfectly perfect other half day by day night by night lying beside each other knowing in their hearts that everything is going to be okay. No matter what job they have, car they drive, clothes they wear, none of if matters because they have the only person in the world who could ever complete them so wholly.
What about them.
Are they just the lucky few. The lucky few that didn't have to look far outside their doorstep to find that love and find it with someone who shares that same love with them. Are they the exception to this rule that true love is just a fantasy. Tell me then the secret to it. Please tell me because I don't wanna hurt or be hurt over and over again for the rest of my life searching for the one who is supposed to be there with me following our goals and dreams. Because then there are people like me.
Unrequited love is worse than any tragedy or war that could ensue in a lifetime. It's staying up late at night talking for hours telling your deepest darkest secrets in a whisper behind closed doors so that no one ever knows that you're giving that much of yourself to a practical stranger. Meanwhile the feelings are mutual and you get so comfortable and reliant on each other that you start to lose part of yourself and lose other people in your life along the way but that's okay because it's worth it. Everything is worth it for love.
But then one day you wake up and realize that you've only just been too reliant on this other person whom you love and cherish and would never in your life want to hurt. You lay awake at night wondering why your feelings have changed, why you have changed. How at one point in your life you see the rest of your life with that person and the next you see yourself walking alone on that journey. How is that fair. How do you explain that to someone who still sees you as the person to walk down the path of life with and get married and make babies and be happy together. Explain to me how that's fair. When all you wanna do is go back in time and remember why you felt all those things that you did so that maybe you can get those feelings back inside you like you could grab them and carry them into the future. But you can't. I can't.
And then you're a terrible person for doing it and all those connections you made over the past few years are shattered with one sentence.
And then you're forced with the choice of picking your happiness over theirs and your parents raised you to be selfless and always help others so part of you tries, tries to do the right thing but what is the right thing to do. I don't know.
I don't know I don't know I don't know. I don't know why this happened. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I want to or not. I don't know. That's all I can say because it's all I can think.
So what do you do. What do I do.

I don't know.

You Have Inspiried Me

Mindlessly scrolling through Facebook as I so very rarely do anymore, I was late in the realization of the loss of someone who I was not close to, but knew and always heard only wonderful things about him and especially his music. But this isn't a post about the loss of someone, this is a post about the impact one person can have on so many lives.
I scrolled through his Facebook looking at all of the prayers and RIPs for him. I read every single one of them. It blows my mind how SO many people had SO much to say about him, and all of it unique. It wasn't just surface level thoughts saying only "rest in peace man". They were all thoughtful and talked of how much this guy inspired them in so many ways. Even people who had only met him once or twice. And then I thought about what I knew about him. I remembered being at the park one night goofing off with friends and he was there, climbing on top of a post in the middle of a prickly shrub and I was thinking what a funny guy he was. And then I remember when his speech he gave at his high school was all over facebook and all of our friends were talking about it and then I watched the video of it thinking wow that guy has some forward thinking ideas. He's gonna change the world some day. And clearly he has, even if only for the too short time he was here. He accomplished that. Among other things I'm sure. The words his friends and acquaintances wrote on his wall really touched me.
It also made me wonder what kind of impact I have made on this world. I always say I want to be a teacher because I do want to impact lives every day. But that's if and when I do become a teacher. Not everyone gets a tomorrow. What have I done today to change the world or change someone's life? And I can't think of one thing. But then my mind goes to the idea, well not every person is going to change the world or impact a life every single day of their lives, they have off days too. What kind of thinking is that? That's like saying let me take a break from life today and I can get back to it tomorrow. No that's not how it works. There ARE people out there changing lives and changing the world every day. They aren't worried about relaxing watching Netflix all day. And if they are using social media it's to promote changing the world, not watching other people change it as they scroll through a feed. If everyone were to think thoughts like "Oh, I'll change the world one day..." nothing would ever get done and the world would be still. And that's how I felt today. I was scrolling through this guys facebook who actually changed peoples lives, and so many of them. What would people say about me if I were in his place? Oh she was a nice girl I'm glad I met her. RIP. She was a good friend. I'll miss her.
Not to be morbid because that's not the point of this. The point is that I don't want to wait for one day to change the world.
And this summer I think I've actually done more changing than I have in my entire life. My boss always says before every work session to go out there and change lives and that we do change lives. And I do believe that. But my students change my life just as much if not more than I'm changing theirs.
Although that's like almost 21 years of doing what? Not a whole lot of impacting. Okay maybe I can take off like 10-15 years for my growing up. But I'm all grown up now.
I do want to change peoples lives someday by being a teacher. But that's someday. I want to do more of what I can today. And tomorrow if I'm lucky to get it. So that in the possibility that I don't get to be a teacher in that some day, it won't have mattered because in the time I've been here I will have already impacted lives.
Nick Cashaw you have moved on to bigger and better things and you are STILL inspiring people like me who you haven't talked to in years to be better and to change the world. You're the kind of person I look up to and aspire to be like. You inspire people without even trying and I hope you get to look down and read all of those beautiful words that people wrote about you so that you know how much impact you've had on this world.

Cleaning up shop

So I've reached this point in my life where I have realized that I really only have time and room in my life for people who want to be in it and people that treat me right. In high school I was fine being friendly with people that I didn't particularly like because I knew I would only be with them for at the most 4 years and then I would never have to talk to them again if I didn't want to. But now coming up on my senior year in college it just hit me: if I don't want someone in my life or don't think that someone will be in my life for longer than college than why should I deal with it? I'm not talking about the typical friends of friends, or like my boyfriends teammates. Because I love them all. I'm talking like my real close friends. I'm not gonna allow someone into a deep friendship with me if I don't like them, if they don't treat me like a friend should, or if they don't really want to be a part of it. And I would expect anyone to do the same to me.
Now I only want my close friends to be those who I know will be lifelong friends. And maybe all of them won't end up being lifelong. Life happens and I know people grow apart. But I know I only want people who have the potential of being a substantial friend in my life.
So I'm not gonna put up with people not treating me the way a friend should. Or treating my friends poorly either or barging in on others relationships. And I'm not about the high school drama crap anymore. People need to be mature and communicate what they want. I know I haven't always handled things in the best way either but at least I've realized when I'm not treating someone right and am now realizing to not allow people in my life to treat me badly.
So if you're not a very good friend to me then don't expect to hear from me. And I'll expect the same from you. Some people just are not alike and don't have the same values and that's fine. So it should also be fine that those people don't have to be friends because they feel bad about leaving someone behind.

It's your life and you never know how long or short it's going to be so you might as well make the best of it with the best people who you love to support and who love to support you.
And I am truly thankful for every one that I have in my life who have stuck it out with me and become special people in my life.

War With Conformity

Maybe I'm fighting a war that can't be won
Am I being naive to the fact that technology is everywhere and will be everywhere and there's nothing I can do about it? Is it too much to ask to want the person I want to be with to have stimulating conversations and not just talk in between Instagram pictures and tweets?
I try to think of what people do when they're idle. Watch tv, but even when they watch tv they are on their phones. I think about what I do. If I watch tv I tend to get on my phone too. But my preferred idle practice is talking, writing, or reading. I guess I'm just old fashion. I would truly be perfectly happy without social media. But I can't be without it. Because if I don't conform to the social norms I'm out of the loop. I have no idea what's going on with anyone. I could give them a call, all of them, but who has time for that these days? In between school, work, family, etc. Nobody has time for a five minute conversation anymore. Even the person sitting next to you. Even the person who you live with. They don't hear you because their eyes are focused on pictures and words that are stimulating thoughts in their mind but that leaves no room for what you have to say.
Words are a dying act that unless they are on a 4 inch lit up screen in front of your face they are meaningless.
We can't take hikes or go on walks or do anything anymore without bringing our lifeline: the cellphone.
And I'm not being a hypocrite because I carry mine everywhere with me as well.
I'm just to the point of being fed up with it.
Unfortunately my annoyance with it cannot be simply stopped by cutting myself off from technology, or even just social media.
I receive emails constantly from teachers and people I work with.
My classmates message me on facebook if they need to contact me or ask me about an assignment (and I do the same)
I'm sure that when I'm in my career, I will be in constant contact with my colleagues via email, texting, or social media of some sort.
There is no escaping it. Yet I refuse to embrace it. I merely tolerate what I must. Conform with what I have to. Use what I need to my advantage. But I won't ever like it.
There are still people out there who just want to have a simple conversation. Some of them I know, there's only a few. I'm one of them.
I'm a person who wants to use technology to bring myself closer to other people physically. Not through seeing each other on snap chat.
Take pictures together and laugh at the goofy ones.
Watch funny youtube videos together.
Stay in all day and have a no phones allowed movie day and cuddle or cry or laugh.
People are losing their personable skills. They are being taught how to communicate with other people ON A COMPUTER. My PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS...guess what? All of my speeches I gave were online, to a web cam.
I live in fear that one day, this beautiful language that Shakespeare and Chaucer and even some, few, modern day authors have embraced and made it what it is, is going to turn from LOL, OMG, Like no way, into silence.
No one reads anymore for fun. If they're reading it's something they saw on facebook or twitter. Newspapers are practically obsolete anymore. The only person I know who actually reads it is my grandma.
I really admire her. Yeah she's goofy and weird. But she is literally the only person in this world I know who ONLY uses a cell phone for talking and could care less about what the internet is. I can actually just sit and talk with her about things.
That's what I miss most. Just having conversations with people about what's going on in the world. It's rare for me. I guess I'm just not around enough people who want to have a real conversation with me. And maybe that's my problem.
Maybe I should just conform.
But everything in me won't let me.
Why.

Addicted

I wonder why I lay here in uncomfortable positions for hours getting caught up in stories and the lives of other people, when I get mad at my boyfriend for doing the same thing by being on social media all the time. I don't crave to listen to other peoples true lives the way he does. They are far too boring to keep my attention. I crave the real (yet fictitious) happenings of people who don't exist, knowing very well that their stories will come to an end sooner than I want them to or can handle. And it's not even that all of the stories I read are so exciting and crazy that I want to read them because they are so much more thrilling than my own. Some of their lives are relatively mediocre like my own (though I love my life). I just love being in someone else's shoes with no control of what will happen to me or who I let into my life. The narrator is in the driver seat of my newly adopted life and I'm the protagonist or the antagonist, whomever the author decides to put in my mind. I get to live this new life as someone has written it but without having to (or getting to) feel any of the physical aspects of it. If I get slapped I don't feel it. I also don't feel the lingering taste of someone's kiss. But if the one I love leaves me or dies I cry and hurt. I get angry. I laugh. I feel giddy. I get every single emotion possible that the author wants me to feel. It's a rush. I crave that rush, those emotions, all those feelings. Without the expense of anything in my actual life.

But then. When it's gone, I feel empty and lonely. I feel devastated like I just lost every friend or family or lover that I have made in my new life. I want to know what they are doing at this exact moment or where they ended up. And the emptiness hits me when I have to tell myself that those people never really existed. Not in this life anyways.

Maybe I should start reading nonfiction. It might leave me less exhausted and trumped by the end of it. And I won't feel this emptiness that I do now.

Why though? Why do I feel empty for something that never really happened? My real life isn't empty. Or I don't think so anyways. Does it make me crazy that I do this to myself over and over again knowing that the same thing will happen to me? Is it my escape from my own world into another even though I know it won't last? Why.
How is this any better than escaping my world to drugs other than the physical aspect of it? I have the same type of high when I'm in the book and then when I can't get any more of it I'm at an extreme low.

You probably think I'm crazy comparing reading books to drugs. But if I use them the same way how is it any different? It isn't. Or it is. I'm not sure.

And tomorrow when I'm over this very temporary empty feeling, I'll be like wow Sydney you should not be awake during the hours of midnight and 6 am.
I couldn't help it. I had to finish the damn book. And I did and I cried and I'm sad and this is stupid but I can't stop myself from it.



A very easy and addicting and somewhat fast read if you're interested in tormenting yourself like I did. The Divergent Series by Veronica Roth include Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant. Also, the movie for the first book comes out in March so hurry to it.




Fuck. I need to go find another book to read.
(And sorry for the lack of blogs, just haven't had much to say for a long time).