Have A Little Faith

Sometimes in life, our biggest fears become our realities. We don’t know why these things happen, why they happen to us, why people choose to do things that they do. But at the same time, because of our fears and these things out there and people out there that can hurt us, we cannot hide from those fears and those people. If we hid from the world, hid because we’re scared, then we would never get anywhere in life. We wouldn’t experience love, happiness, warmth, family, we wouldn’t experience life. So we take those chances. We take those risks. We walk off of the edge and hope that someone is there to catch us. That the risk was worth it in the end. That you got the job. That you get the role you want. That you get the girl you want to marry. We hope. And sometimes we fall short. Perhaps just inches of what we were trying to achieve. That person isn’t there to catch us. You were one word off of getting the position you wanted. One point away from getting the award.

You took a risk and it failed.

We all want it to be that life. The one where putting all your effort into this one thing, this project, this goal, this dream, that one day you’ll get it. We see it in movies, we read it in books, we hear about it in the news. We don’t read about the ones that took the risk and didn’t get exactly what they had hoped for. And maybe that is a good thing. Because then it keeps us hoping, it keeps our heads high hoping and knowing that we can achieve everything we work for. But sometimes it doesn’t work. No matter what we do. No matter how hard we try. No matter how much effort, and strength, and sweat, and love. No matter what we put into it, it doesn’t turn out like we planned. Because our life isn’t how we plan to have it. What we want. Our lives are destined to be exactly how they will be. There is a plan. Maybe it’s not your plan. Maybe it’s not exactly what you’re dream is. But it will be the right plan for you, I know that.

And even if you do this. You take that risk. You put everything you have, your heart, your mind, your soul, blood sweat and tears, every little and big thing you have into something and it doesn’t turn out like you “plan”, that doesn’t mean you should give up. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still take those risks.

Make a new dream. Make yourself a new plan. Give yourself goals. Put effort into something again. Don’t’ let one failed attempt bring you down. You’ll get it right one day. It may not be today or tomorrow. It will come though.

Be strong willed. Have a little faith. Don’t give up hope.

Don’t regret trying for what you wanted. It just means that you have heart, and even if you didn’t succeed in getting what you wanted, you succeeded in living and showing passion for something bigger than yourself. And that takes courage. You took that step off the edge. And what will take more courage, is that even though that person wasn’t there to catch you, you’re gonna get back up, dust yourself off, and try again. I know you will. I have faith in you just like I have faith in myself and faith in the people that I love.

You are strong, you are kind, you are compassionate, you mean something to more than one person in this world. So be brave and keep taking those risks. Because one day, you’ll be so happy that you did. And everything you did up until that point will have gotten you there.

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.” 
― Voltaire

Not Sure What to Think

To properly express what I'm feeling right now I should write it down as I'm feeling it. I really want to cry. The sad thing is that I know I have to focus on my life right now and I literally do not have time to just stop what I'm doing and solely focus on this tragedy. But if it was anything but finals I would. That's why I am however writing this down so that I do not forget. 

HOW MANY TIMES. How many times will I have to tell myself that there are indeed good people out there? How many times am I going to be proven wrong? How many times will my heart ache for innocent people. How many times until it directly affects me in my life? On the news they say the chances are infinitesimal that it would ever happen to YOU. They said that. Well can you tell that to all of those parents there in Newtown Connecticut? No you can't. So obviously the chances are not that slim. They also said that, and although they hate to admit it, that now that this has happened once, the likeliness increases for it to happen again. So that infinitesimal number goes down dramatically in my head. Ten days until Christmas Eve. 18 children dead. 28 total dead. If our freedom inhibits our safety should we still get it? I don't know any answers. I just have questions that I know no one can truly answer. 

I know that shooting any innocent person is horrible. It is. But kindergarten children? FIVE year olds? What did they ever do? How can you get any more innocent than that? 

A man on Fox News said that this is the evil that is ever present in our world and although we have law enforcement and teachers and people who are on the "front line" to catch these people before they get through to our children and sometimes we miss some of the evil. No. We cannot miss that evil. I wish there wouldn't be that evil but I'm not ignorant. I know that it's there. But I still sometimes have those childhood dreams, probably like most of those kindergartners, that the world is good and full of good people. It is good and it is not scary. And now, not even just the fact that 18 children are dead, what about the children that survived? It is unbelievably lucky that most children are resilient. But not all are. For some of them this will affect them for their entire lives. And to those who didn't, my heart, my prayers, my thoughts go out to those families. I cannot even remotely fathom any of those feelings. I can only be thankful to not have had any tragedies of that nature in my life. 

And the big questions, when will this happen again? Because as history has proven, things like this are not ever ending. Why did this happen? How are we supposed to feel safe again? At this point if I was a mother I would want to take my children out of school right now. But I'm not a mother, I don't even know how any moms or dads or aunts and uncles feel. Because I still am more of a kid than an adult. 

I am speechless. 

And for those officers and detectives who have to go into that school and process the scene and see the result of one to two evil, wrong people, I pray for them too. I can only imagine, yet I don't want to imagine what that scene looks like. 

The parents, oh my I cannot even say anything that could even close to comprehend what they are feeling or thinking. But my prayers will be endless for them. 

And as I'm thinking about it, the shooter was 20 years old. That's nearly my age. Someone my age did this. 

I can't believe that a sane person could do this.

Some of the aftermath of this, parents all over the country right now probably feel the need to go pick up their kids and hold them tight. They can only do that for so long. We can't keep kids out of school. Not everyone can take the time to homeschool their kids. But the thought would be nice if we could. But we have to go on with everyday life. Parents still have to send their kids to school day to day. 

I really wish the shooter had not killed himself. I want answers that I know I'll never get. Those parents want answers. This country wants answers that we won't get. 

I just keep picturing what happened there in that small school with those kindergartners. 

My prayers out for everyone involved. 

Something went wrong here. Somewhere in our lives were letting something slip through the cracks. Something evil. 

I don't even know what to think right now 

Through The Ages

            So this is probably my tenth time trying to write a blog since the last time I wrote one. I feel the need to write them but then I don’t know what I want to talk about. But I always seem to think of great ideas when I’m supposed to be doing something else. Like studying for finals for example. When I probably should be doing that, I’m sitting here thinking about what to write about. So what did I get accomplished today? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be studying for finals: I slept in till noon. I sat and watched a Christmas episode of Spongebob. I made three flash cards. I went and got Starbucks. I watched part of a cheesy Christmas movie. I edited Joey’s 12 page paper (my break from “studying”). I took a break after my break from studying to listen to music. I stalked people on Facebook. I sat here and thought about what I wanted to write in a blog. I was supposed to start studying again at 6:15, but that just didn’t happen.

            When I began writing this, I wanted to write once again about how I wish there were more good people in the world. But I’m always going to hope for that and most of it is out of my control anyways so I erased all that I wrote about that. But one thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how much growing up SUCKS balls. I’m sorry. But I really don’t see why everyone my age wants to turn 21 so badly. Or why people younger want to turn 18 so badly. Or 16. Okay, just kidding, I can totally see the 16 one. It is unbelievably nice to be able to drive a car and not have to have your parents take you everywhere.

            Birth: You’re all slimy and sticky and everyone wants to touch you and make sure you’re okay. You may have trouble breathing, or other complications. They might have thought you were a girl, but you were really a boy with a tiny lil guy (down there) so you have to wear pink clothes out of the hospital, and I don’t care how old you are, that’s just embarrassing. You just are an accident waiting to happen. Diapers are almost too big to even wear. And you have no hair. And a large number of you are ugly, me being one of those.

            Two: You’re in this alleged “terrible twos” era where everyone gets annoyed with you. You’re too big to be held and babied all the time but sometimes not big enough to completely get anywhere you need. Oh and you still sometimes shit yourself.

            Five: You’re getting up there. All of the relatives comment on “Aw you’re getting so big!” but hey you get to go to school for half days and play with coodie infested kids who try to steal your damn toys and then blame it on someone else. The teacher is nice, but she only lets you play with your toys on HER terms. Screw that. I wanna go back home where I can play all day long and only have to take time off for naps or eating.

            Eight: You’re in real school now. You have to do all of this “math” shit. No more coloring pictures for assignments. And you’re parents are starting to be too old to even help you with half of it. If you have an “accident” in bed now, you’ll really get made fun of. You have to go to school all day, but at least you get two recesses and lunch with those cool little milk pouches where you can use them as a cannon and squeeze it at that annoying kid that wont shut up at the table. And then you get in trouble by one of the lunch ladies and you get one of your recesses taken away so someone is probably going to take your place on the basketball court and they’ll probably suck.

            Twelve: Wow. You’re in middle school with all of the “big kids” now. You don’t have to be stuck in one class room all day. You decide to try being different then everyone else. You go through that really effing awkward stage where you always look odd. You’re gonna look back on those days and think what the heck was I thinking wearing that out in public, or even owning it for that matter? But you also have to fit in, so you buy all of the trends that everyone else is wearing. Converse and gaucho pants. You put a streak of color in your hair. You start playing sports for school and realize how much dumber those coaches are than you and they don’t know anything. Oh yeah, and you have this thing called “summer homework” now and it sucks. Who the hell gives you homework during the summer. It’s called summer VACATION for a reason people. Sheesh.

            Thirteen: OH EM GEE. You’re a teenager now. You’re not a little kid anymore. You can laugh at all of those little twelve year olds now because they’re so little. Guess what else you get? Hormones, acne, and for girls…well you know what we get stuck with for the rest of our effing lives once a month that turns you into a monster once a month and you no longer EVER know what you want. You want Jimmy this week, and Toby the next. And you’re heart broken when John passes the note to Susie asking her to the dance but not you. And boys, well we know what you get too. It’s not a secret ;)

            Sixteen: The first Big one. You see all of those my super sweet sixteen shows on MTV and ask your parents for one and they say sure and invite all ten of your closest friends over for that rager and totally get that Ferrari you wanted as your first car…ha. Not. That ’98 chevy clunker is close enough. Oh and the greatest thing about having your license? Paying for gas. Mowing all of those lawns in the dead heat of summer, or babysitting those bratty kids for ten hours just to pay for one tank of gas so that you can go to that movie on Friday with all of your friends that everyone goes to but you all waste your money because no one even watches it and everyone is either talking or working up the confidence to hold hands with their newest “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. Not to mention you have a whole entire HALF of a chapter book to read, and then you have to read the other half next week, and three weeks later you have to have a freaking full two page paper written about what you thought about it. Yikes.

            Seventeen: The same boring crap.

            Eighteen: YAAAAAYYYYYYYY. This is the day you’ve waited for your entire life. You can go out and buy cigars or cigarettes that you don’t smoke. Or the lotto ticket that you wont win. Or go to the casino and lose 20 bucks on one hand. You tell your parents you’re going to go get a tattoo now and tell them that they can’t do anything about it and their response is to pack up your shit, give them the keys to your car, and a pat on the back for good luck out in the real world. So you reluctantly walk defeated back into your room where you pout for an hour and try to scheme up another way to use your new “adulthood”.

            Nineteen: You move out of your house. You’re in college. You realize that it’s nowhere as easy as you expected. You realize that everything you learned is high school is almost completely pointless for this new shit you’re learning and that it did not prepare you even slightly. You realize that you can’t b-s your way through school work anymore. You learn that you actually have to do the work, even though none of it is graded because if you don’t you’ll fail and do you realize how much you are paying to even be here? The dorms are fine, but once you move out into an apartment you think you’ll have so much time and freedom and free space but all you really get is a sucky shower head, you have to clean everything yourself, you have to cook dinner for yourself and you have to pay all of the damn bills.

            That’s as far as I’ve made it. But as I see it, 21 is just me being able to get into the bars, but now I’ll actually have to pay for my own drinks…dammit.

            I make it sound like it was all terrible. Well it wasn’t. It was all a blast. I honestly wish I could be a kid for ever. Truly, I do have it pretty easy right now. Even though I’m paying for college and living myself. I still don’t have too much to complain about yet. But I wouldn’t mind going back to having the life of a kid. It really is carefree and nice. My point is that although there are so many new and cool things to do as you grow up, just appreciate the little worries in life before you get to the big ones. Make and hold on to all of those memories. It’s stressful to think about the future. Even though I know there will be so many great things to happen, there’s nothing quite like the comfort of being a kid, growing up, just having fun. I sometimes forget how fast time is going and it’s nice to look back and think about all of the things that I had, even the seemingly bad ones. All of those things brought me to where I am now and although I miss them, I am happy to just enjoy life and try to take is slow and enjoy it and try not to wish it away. 

DB of the Year

Pardon any explicit language you are about to read. 

Annnnnd the douche bag of the year award goes out to you. You know who you are. Shall we go over the things you've done to earn this award? There are most likely plenty more things that I don't even know about but we'll start here. Strike one: you led my best friend on to think that you were one of those nice quiet, shy guys. Hand holding, movie watching, sleepovers, cuddling. He doesn't even have a fb he's so shy and quiet! Then after two months, you two attempt to commit and you decide that you want out. Bull shit. 

Strike two: after hours, days, weeks of confusion, none of us can figure out how such a nice guy could do something like that. Anger, hurt, tears. And then we are enlightened to the real cause of the matter. YOU'VE HAD A GIRLFRIEND FOR FOUR YEARS YOU POS. Who the heck does that? Oh. And on top of that, you do have a Facebook, you just blocked her from it so that she couldn't see that you did in fact have a girlfriend. What does Dawn think about this buddy? If you're going to block one girl from seeing it, you better have blocked the whole gawd dammed campus from you. 

Strike three four five six and so on:

As any good friend would, we all gave you death glares, looked down upon you, all things that make sense for friends to do. And you turn the tables on her and make her feel like the bad person? Oh you must be mistaken. It's not like she told us to glare at you or accidentally shoulder check you at a party. That's what we're here for and I would expect the same of her if the situation was reversed. And when she calls you out on that you still try to blame it on her. You know what you are? You are a manipulative, asshole, douche bag, piece of shit if I've ever seen one. And you know what I should do? I should get a group of people to go kick your ass because you would more than deserve it. But instead I'm writing this, to get my feelings out. And you know what I'm going to do now? I forgive you. I know that deep deep deep deep down there in you somewhere there is probably something good. You have a crumby way of showing anything good in you unless it's to get what you want. I'm not worried about getting revenge for my friend because karma will come around and do it's job. I just hope you learn your lesson before something bad happens to you. Not everyone's friends are as forgiving. So that girl you held hands with the other night, or the girl you were making out with last night (meanwhile still having a girlfriend) you'd better be careful. She might have a big brother with big muscles and a big agenda for watching out for his little sis or something. Right now, you are not being a good person, to anyone. So you need to straighten your shit out before it gets you in trouble, Number 19. And if you ever hurt my friend again: well she may not have a big older brother, but I do. And he'll watch out for my friends just as much as he'll watch out for me. I can only forgive the same person so many times. 

Just please, please, try to be a good person. A better person at the very least. 

Victory At It's Finest

            Well I once again have slacked on my blogging. It has been a busy couple of weeks though, to be fair. I’ve had midterms and tests and essays and then it was Thanksgiving break. It’s been busy. But for those who care, here’s how these weeks have gone.

            Over Thanksgiving break I got to drive over to the west side with all of the “west-siders” for once. I’d like to point out that I much prefer my nice little hour-ish drive to Spokane over the drive to Seattle, thank you very much. First of all, when you’re so used to only having an hour long drive, you don’t think about necessary things like going to the bathroom because at most you would only have to wait an hour. Well this little idea didn’t hit me until we were ten minutes in on our way to the west side and I realized that it was broad daylight, and there were no rest stops for about two hours. It didn’t help that my friends were texting me about how I shouldn’t think about being in warm water or think of running water. I felt bad though, I mean we literally just got in the car when I realized it. So I waited, crossing my legs for two hours until I saw the first reasonable place to stop and I quickly asked them to stop for me. Well I learned my lesson.

            I first went to Tacoma to my cousin’s house. It was so nice to see them all. Usually during the summer I go and spend a week or so there to hang out with them and go to the lake, but since I worked two jobs all summer I didn’t exactly have the free time I would have liked to go see them (sucks growing up, huh?) My youngest cousin Sam, or Scooter as we call him, is already almost 16! In fact he turns 16 tomorrow! Seriously? How does that happen, I still picture him at the very beginning of middle school and my other cousin Maximillian just going into high school. They can’t really be getting that old can they? That just means I’m getting old! Okay, not old old, just…old. Anyways, it was good to spend the night with them and we played games, well “we” being my aunt, uncle, Sam and I since Maximillian had some catching up to do with his friends, which makes sense, plus I see him here. The next day I went to UW to visit the best friend at his apartment. It was interesting. Fun, but interesting. “Someone” threw me under the bus about “some things” but we wont go into detail on that. And I got surprisingly close with Ben’s girlfriend that weekend…(??) Which again, I wont go into detail on. But the weirdest thing honestly was just being surrounded by huskies. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve been a Coug my entire life. Literally from birth. I’ve also been around some people who like the huskies so it has never been like weird. And I’m not one of those people who are absolutely crazy against the huskies, I don’t root for them exactly. But still, to be completely surrounded by huskies (wearing my coug gear obviously), it was just completely weird. I didn’t like it at all. The campus was beautiful, don’t get me wrong. I’m obsessed with their Hogwarts-like library. But there’s no way I could ever in a million years go there. I just couldn’t do it. I had fun, though, seeing my friends from over there.

            I spent another night at my cousins, and then we made the trek back to Spokane on Thanksgiving eve. That night I went to a reunion of my high school friends. It was a blast to see them all. But then I decided when I got home that I would try to “Dr. Phil” my cousins apparently and tell them to stay in school and don’t do drugs. I crack myself up. They already know I’m weird though so I’m not too worried. I just love those two more than they know and I only want what’s best for them. I want them to be successful and happy. I don’t want people to poorly influence their decisions. I definitely see a bright future in both of them, whether or not they see it. I could talk about them for hours about how wonderful they are but i wont. I will, however, kick anyone who tries to hinder in the way of them being successful in the balls (or ya know…if their a girl I’ll pull their hair or something). Sorry if that’s a little graphic or too much. But they are my two favorite people ever and I love and adore the heck out of them. So watch out.

            Thanksgiving was nice. My family is completely crazy, so if anyone thinks that I’m crazy, I’m sorry, it runs in the family. Literally though. If you only knew the things that went on at the Bushnell/Peer/Malthesen/etc household on any given holiday. This was by far one of the oddest Thanksgivings ever. But it was good and there was good food and good people. Very nice to spend time with the family.

            And now on to the real exciting experience of Thanksgiving break. Drum roll please……………………………………………………………………………………….. So, um, about that Apple Cup 2012. Holy eff. I did not expect that at all. I had faith, but faith only goes so far with the cougars. If I’m being completely honest, this was the first game that I actually stayed for the entire thing, and it’s lucky that I did. I was jumping around the entire game, not only to cheer but because I was cold. Man that third quarter cougs, you really scared me. The fourth quarter, everybody was jumping up and down, dancing, cheering. And that OT, oh my. Cuhhrazy, is all I can say. Did you watch that? If you didn’t you should be ashamed. That was the greatest feeling ever. Just like many people have said, it doesn’t matter how many losses we’ve had during the season, to win that game, on our home field, at least for a fan, it makes up for any and all losses prior to this win. I got to storm my first field in Martin Stadium. That was a little rough, though. Some way overly intoxicated girl tried to jump down the ledge I think and wasn’t very successful in that, and everybody was going around and over her (a paramedic was there, though), including Maggie and myself, which I do feel bad about but seriously, if you’re going to be that intoxicated at the Apple cup, and we win, and you fall, I’m sorry but that’s your fault and please don’t hinder my fun. Storming the field, being in that mosh pit down there cheering, seeing some of my friends and the football players. It was unbelievable. Amazing. It was really hard to believe what actually just happened at the time. Greatest experience for me at WSU so far. Hands down. And the night following the victory of my lifetime wasn’t too shabby either J It was definitely a long day though. From six in the morning till late late in the evening. Completely and totally worth it. The rest of the weekend couldn’t completely match that day/night but it was still fun.

            And now here we are back in the last three weeks of the semester. I have studying, projects, essays, papers, and homework. It’s going to be a long, rough, three weeks, but then I get three weeks off from it to spend time with friends and family back home and I am so excited. For the next, oh I don’t know, month or so, in between my school work and other activities, I will be watching as many Christmas movies as humanly possible in the time given. Just so you know. Hot chocolate, Christmas movies, Christmas cookies, baking, snow, sledding, bundling up, (I wish I had a fireplace here), and all things holiday and winter. Can’t wait! We’ll talk soon, or I mean, I’ll be talking, but hopefully soon. See y’all. 

I Wish...

I wish we didn’t have war

I wish competition didn’t lead to hatred

I wish everyone has enough food to be happy and survive

I wish people would stop comparing what they have with what others have

I wish there were no bullies

I wish there weren’t people out there who like to hurt other people

I wish for everyone to be healthy

I wish death was never painful

I wish people wouldn’t give up on themselves or other people

I wish expectations didn’t lead to disappointment

I wish for everyone to have someone who believes in them

I wish people would be loyal and faithful

I wish people would be nice all of the time

I wish people were always hopeful

I wish that for every single person, when they die, they feel accomplished and like they        left a mark on this world.

I wish for people to hold on to the big dreams they had when they were little

I wish every new day is better than the last

I wish for everyone to have a support system for them

I wish for everyone to experience love

I wish people wouldn’t be greedy

For those who are at war, I wish for you to come home safely

For those who do not have enough food, I wish that you find some today

For those competing, I wish for it to not lead you to hate

For those who are comparing, I wish for you to be grateful for what you have today

For you who are bullies, I wish you would realize the harm you are causing and stop today

For you who are unhealthy, I wish for you to become healthy today

For those of you who are experiencing death today, I wish for it to not be painful for you

For those of you who have given up on yourself, I wish for you to find that hope today

For those of you who have high expectations, I wish for you to not be disappointed

For those of you who have no one to believe in you, I believe in you

For those of you who are not loyal or faithful, I wish for you to be loyal and find faith

For those of you who aren’t nice all of the time, I will try to be nice all of the time and I wish for you to be nice all of the time from today on

For those of you who are not hopeful all of the time, I wish for you to be hopeful today

For everyone, I wish for you to feel accomplished and leave a mark on this world when you die

For those of you who have given up on your childhood dreams, I wish for you to remember them and dream of them tonight

I wish for you that today is better than yesterday

For those of you who do not have a support system, I wish for you to find it today

For those of you who have not experienced love, I wish that you do today

For those of you who are greedy, I wish today that you are not greedy

11.11.12

Treat Others How You'd Like to Be Treated

Is it really only Wednesday? Sheesh. Sometimes the weeks go by too slow for my liking, but then I think about how fast they actually go and I forget about my wishing time away. You can wish it away as much as you want and it will go, but you can never get your wish for wanting time back, so enjoy it. So no, I’m not wishing time away, but yes I am already listening to Christmas music. Don’t judge me.

          Speaking of judging, or maybe not. This whole presidential debate has gotten some people fired up, eh? I’m not going to sit here and give you all of my opinions on politics because let’s be honest, I don’t have that many. I only know what I know. All I have to say is, what’s done is done, now we can either impeach him (if that’s your side of the argument, I’m not sharing mine either way), or we can keep voting and doing all that we can and hope that he puts us in the right direction. I can just hear some of you responding to this like, psh, he’s going to collapse our society, and maybe he is, maybe he’s not. But I really hope for his sake and ours that he does a good job in office. That is all.

          On to the next piece of business: my aunt just got engaged! While she was in the Czech Republic! Or I think that’s where at least. So congrats to her! I am so happy for her and so excited that she found the person to make her happy for the rest of her life. Mostly I’m just excited because I love engagements and weddings and all those sorts of things. So much fun. Can’t get enough of them. It shows me that no matter where you are in life, there is always room for love. So don’t give up hope if you are, and if you’re reading this you’re most likely around my age so you really have no reason to give up! We’re young, in college (or near there). Enjoy your life, fall in love, fall out of love, and fall in love again. And if you already found the right person that is wonderful. Just find someone who will continually make your life better for being in it, not worse. Find someone that will treat you like a princess, or prince. And you don’t need to find that person yet either! If you’re my age, yes it’s wonderful to find that, but also don’t let that be all you think about. Be happy with yourself. Enjoy school (or the extracurricular activities at school J). Don’t sell your life short for focusing on finding love, it will find you I’m sure of it. Okay, enough of the sappy. Speaking of love…

          So for one of my English classes, we had to come up with a “linguistics topic”. The one I came up with is “What different excuses do girls give guys when denying them or declining?” My first topic was going to be how girls respond when guys use really cheesy pick up lines, but that would have had to involve me finding some willing guys to go out and use pick up lines on girls, and I’d have to somehow record it, and it’d just be a lot of work, so I changed it to the other one. I posted my topic on Facebook in hopes that people would give their responses, and I’ve got some great ones. So if you haven’t yet, go look at it, they are pretty funny. Should make for an interesting paper. I’m also going to talk to people in person about it to get more ideas. So far I think the most commonly used excuse is “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” Hmm… interesting.

          And finally the last thing I need to talk about is this Facebook page that was brought to my attention just a little bit ago. The page is called “Spokane Whores Exposed”. Now you may laugh at this and think it’s funny. Maybe if it was in a show or something I’d laugh too, but bullying isn’t funny. I just recently read this article about a girl who was followed by this guy from school to school through Facebook harassing her and every new school she went to everyone found out about her past and tormented her. Eventually she committed suicide. Guys this is not okay. We cannot let things like this happen. I do not care what someone does, if they send naked pictures, sleep with a bunch of people, I mean I’d prefer them not to obviously, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to bully someone. It really is getting out of hand. When I first used to think of bullying, I had never experienced it myself so I always thought about the movies and tv shows where big kids throw smaller kids into garbage cans, or take their lunch money, or put their head in the toilet. Remember those? Yeah well those were funny and all, but real life bullying is not. You may be like Sydney shut up you can’t do anything about it, this is stupid, blah, blah, blah. But no, I’m not going to shut up about it. It’s not fair for someone to be bullied to the point of feeling that they need to end their life, or being bullied period. If you have a problem with someone keep that shit to yourself, you’re probably the problem in the first place. Okay, okay, I take that back. That’s mean. I just get really fired up about this stuff. It’s just not fair that someone should ever feel threatened in that way. And internet and Facebook have not made it any easier. People can not only be bullied at school now, but at home and just constantly now too. Gah. Why can’t everyone just be nice to everyone? Obviously there are people out there that I am not too fond of. But I don’t go slandering their name around. I just think quietly to myself how I probably definitely would not mind in the slightest if they maybe just moved to Canada for the rest of my life. See? How hard is that? I feel better and I haven’t ruined anyone’s life, except maybe I have some weird thoughts, but it is what it is. I didn’t hurt anyone. I’m joking obviously, for the most part, but you get what I’m saying right? This is not okay. It needs to be stopped. So if you happen to go across that Facebook page, please report it. For crying out loud people, how hard is it to be NICE to people? We learned this stuff in kindergarden ladies and gentlemen. Don't you know that you are supposed to treat others how you would like to be treated? (Unless you're a weird person who likes to be hurt, we won't count you in this case) It's not that difficult. It isn’t, try it, I promise it works. Kill ‘em with kindness y’all.

          So that’s all for now. Once again I am procrastinating my homework with writing, but oh hey, my homework is writing so I’m really not that far off. Happy hump day. Be nice, fall in love (or just have fun), and have a great rest of the week. 

Every Single Day

          Well I have almost officially made it through Halloweek here in Pullman. I still have one more night to go, though, so I don’t want to jinx myself. Not to mention this has been one of the busiest weeks I have had, school-wise, in a long time. Two full essays, a math project, among other homework and readings. But I survived that part of it. I think the first Halloween weekend was definitely more festive than this weekend. It’s kind of hard to still celebrate it after Halloween has already happened, but people are still going with it. Personally, myself, I’m ready to start listening to Christmas music and watching Elf. I am so ready for Christmastime.

          So I reached this point in my life, I’m not sure how exactly to describe it. This point where I don’t actually want anything. Or maybe I just don’t know what I want. Although, I feel like the past few months there has always been something that I wanted or that I was trying to do or trying to be. Right now, I’m just happy with things the way they are. If things change, I’ll adapt. I mean there are things that I wouldn’t object to, but I’m not putting a ton of effort into. I just made myself realize, once again, how thankful I am for the things and the people that I do have in my life, not the things that I want in my life. I have no actual need to bring more things into my life, and if they come in, then I will gladly welcome them, but I already have so much to be happy about. And I just don’t want to forget about those things like I feel I have at certain points in my life. And I know it is a hard thing to do. You get so caught up in the drama and action of life and you look at other people, what they have, and sometimes think: why don’t I have that. I want that. But then, did you ever think, maybe they are thinking the same things about you and your life? It’s just silly to expect your life to be like someone else’s, when its YOUR life, not theirs. You are you and they are them. A little obvious, right? Well if it’s so obvious then why do we all do it anyways? We compare what we have to what other people have. Whether it is material things, wealth, love, looks, whatever it is, we compare it. And we shouldn’t. I remember when I was younger, my family would always say things like “Oh Sydney you look just like so and so” or whoever they said, and then my grandpa would cut in and say, “No, she looks like Sydney”. I loved that, because its so true. Yes, we may have resemblances to others, but we are who we are. And I know I forget that, a lot. But I am trying to work on it. And just be happy with who I am and what I have. I have so many wonderful friends who are caring and always there for me, and who I get to be there for. I have an amazing family, that although drive me crazy sometimes, I know they’ll always have my back. I get to go to this incredible school with all of the people here, get an education, and hopefully eventually follow my dreams and become what I want to be. I really should have no major complaints with my life, and I don’t.  I am extremely thankful for everything that I’ve been blessed with.

          I just need to work on remembering this ALL of the time, not just sometimes or occasionally.

          Oh and the Cougs are playing today, right now actually, so cheer ‘em on! GO Cougs! Hope y’all are having a great weekend! 

Halloweek is Here!

Does anyone understand dreams? Because I sure don’t. and I’m not going to go look online and read some quack information that supposedly tells you what your dreams mean. Is it your subconscious telling you something? I’ve had days where the smallest thing happens, like my pencil rolls off of my desk, and then that night in my dream, that little thing becomes something huge. Now that rarely happens; actually I just rarely remember my dreams, but I only recall it happening two or three times of the dreams that I do remember. I also have noticed from the dreams I remember, that I rarely have a dream about one thing or one person or something continuously. (I’m going to pause in the middle of this to say that as I am in the library, there are two people speaking either chinese or japanese screaming at each other…in the library! I’m kind of concerned). Anyways, so if I have repetitive images then it must mean something right? I’m not sure. I’ve had reoccurring themes in my dreams lately that I actually remember. Usually I’ll remember a dream for tops a half hour after I wake up and then it’s gone and I have no clue what it was about. But this one I had last night is really just poking at me. I’m trying to ignore it. It’s just a dream, ya know? (Asians still yelling—thought I heard the “f” word, but I thought they were speaking a different language? I don’t know). I mean it’s a dream for crying out loud! You are probably interested in what this dream is. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just the curious type. Well, I wont give all of the details, but it is just something that I’ve wanted, but recently decided to make myself not want it and move on to other wants and needs (obviously not working). But in the dream I wanted it and I had it, but literally everything in the world, particularly one thing, this thing just pissed me off, kept stopping me from getting it. Sucks right? And now that’s all that keeps popping into my head and I’m like why? Usually you stupid dreams have already disappeared from my mind hours ago. Maybe I’m going crazy. Who am I kidding, I’m already crazy!

In other news: Halloweek has arrived at Washington State University. This means Halloween parties tonight, Friday, Saturday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Whew. Literally a week. Seven costumes. So far, Maggie, Joey and whoever else and I are all exchanging/sharing costumes because who really has seven costumes? I know that I have a baseball player, a bunny, a nerd; Mags has a gorilla, a slutty baby costume which is just hilarious, you should see it; we might try the twister board one, and Joey has a school girl I think and some old dance costumes that we’re going to make something out of. So I think we’re set. I’m not going to go out all seven nights I don’t think. I’ll figure something out, but it should be fun regardless. Halloween at WSU is really the best. Everybody goes crazy. I think the guys all like it because girls dress slutty, but I just don't understand how we're supposed to wear next to nothing when it is possibly going to be snowing. I got dibs on the gorilla costume all seven days. Just kidding, but really I wish I could. I'm excited that it is finally here, though. Although, Maggie, Joey and I have been trying to stay in shape, ya know, to look good in our costumes and what not. We've been really good about going to the gym a lot, and then all of a sudden, the last week before Halloweek, we all eat a crap ton of food and don't go to the gym. What just happened. Looks like I'm getting a big butt. Not a bad thing I guess. I'm just a little upset that we broke, so close to Halloween. Good thing we have no one to impress. Hah. Whatever. Yolo...as Maggie always says. Yikes. But everybody prepare yourselves for one of the best weeks at Wazzu. 

I really want to find a date to take me to see either Paranormal Activity 4 or Sinister. Mostly because Maggie has already found someone to go with, Joey doesn’t like scary movies, and I don’t like having to pay for movies. So pretty much I’m a.) not going to have a date b.)going by myself and c.) I have to pay for the movie. How lame. (And obviously this is a joke since for one I love going to movies by myself, and two, I'm not actually looking for a date. obvi some people don't get jokes) But I love scary movies so it is a necessity that I go see one. Like I really LOVE scary movies. You have no idea. Halloween is almost my favorite holiday because of it. I love being scared. And after Halloween we have Dad’s weekend…a blast, then Thanksgiving and the Apple Cup, then 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family—thee best. I love Christmas season the most. Love, love, love it. Christmas music, Christmas movies, Christmas cookies…OH! Totally forgot: carving pumpkins this weekend finally, and making Halloween decorated cookies. Yum! But I have to go to class now, unfortuantely. Have a good day/weekend. Go watch ABC Family’s 13 Nights of Halloween before it’s over. Or go see a scary movie by yourself! Peace y’all. 

Only Words?

So today, in one of my English class’ small group discussions, my TA was talking with us, and I say “with” us because he actually talks with us and not to us or at us, which I love. But we were talking about rhetoric, and this might bore you but I find it fascinating so I apologize. Anyways, talking about rhetoric and how we subconsciously use it in every day life. And he got me heated up for a bit because he described what he calls the “God Bless America” argument. His statement was that when we say God Bless America, we are saying bless us and bless us first (pretty much). And my first reaction to this was whoa buddy I do not say please, God bless us and us only or us first, I’m just asking to bless us because this is my country and we are one, but I want God to bless everyone just the same. To which he replied, well then why say it at all? If we want God to bless everyone then why do we even need to say it at all, or to say God bless America? Because we still want God to bless us first. I understood what he was saying but still didn’t buy it. Then he put it in a less confrontational subject/non religious (for most): sports. Someone in the group said well it’s the same as saying “Go Cougs”, it’s not that we want the other team to die or something, we just want the cougs to win above all else (even when they don’t, which is usually). And in that sense, we don’t say “I love the Cougs when they’re winning but I hate them when they’re losing” instead of just “Go Cougs” because that would leave a different implication, instead of implying that I’m with the cougs through and through, I’m only with them when they win. And that’s just not Cougar pride. Why am I talking about this you might ask, I just sometimes don’t realize what an impact the words you can say (or don’t say) have. No I’m not saying boo to UNC, Arizona, UCLA, USC, and all of the other schools when I say “Go Cougs”, but rhetorically I’m implying that. Language is so weird how we adapt to certain contexts depending on society. Like the middle finger for example. To us it means F*** you, whereas to Italy it means a form of hello. My TA told us this story of a company from Italy who shipped Christmas plates to be sold in the US and then center of the plate was a picture of Santa with two big middle fingers up in the air. Personally, I’d love a Christmas plate like that. Can you imagine as you finish your Christmas meal and slowly realize that it’s Santa flipping you off? Milk and/or food would definitely come out of my nose, I’d be laughing so hard. It is just so interesting how language, and body language, and so many different concepts are perceived differently from culture to culture. Like for instance, if you saw two people yelling f*** you at each other in public, you might be concerned, maybe not, but I would be. But then say instead one of those people was wearing a Cougar shirt and one was wearing a Husky shirt and you saw the same situation, you wouldn’t think anything of it. You might join in, or just laugh. You adapt to these concepts to the point where they become normal. It might seem strange to you at first, or just strange to other people, but again, you adapt. You just rarely consciously think of the things you’re not saying when you say what you say. But subconsciously we think about what we say, we think about what we don’t say, we think about what we want to say, and we think about what we won’t say. And then there are those people with no filters…well we won’t get into that.

In other news: today I got a free PB&J sandwich that the school gives out every Wednesday or something. Maybe it’s only once a month, I’m not really sure. Anyways, it was a free, tasty sandwich. I walked back to lounge on the couch in the cub and my friend, Joey, asked how it was. My response: it’s tasty but the peanut butter keeps sticking to the roof of my mouth. To which she replied, “First world problems”. And we both laughed. But then I thought about it. I complain so much. All the time. “I’m tired. I’m cold. I hate homework. I have so many tests coming up. I’m hung over. Why is it only Monday? I hate this weather.” You get the idea. Now I’ve said this before to people, we all have our own problems. And most of the time, there is someone out there that has way bigger, way worse problems than you. But regardless of those bigger problems out there, your own problems are as big to you as they feel because they directly affect you. It doesn’t mean we should ignore other’s problems or bigger problems. We shouldn’t belittle our own problems, though, because they are ours. We can’t and shouldn’t compare them to other people’s because its how that problem feels to you. Now, keeping that in mind, I do have my own problems, but I also just complain about stupid things or things out of my control like weather. And then I said to Joseph and Mags, do you realize how hard it would be to go just even a day without complaining? They agreed it would be difficult. So I decided that tomorrow I’m claiming it as my own National No-Complaining Day, in spite of all of these National _____ days. Whoever else thinks they’re up for the challenge, be my guest. I really wish I had my “No Whining” t-shirt here in Pullman. Shoot. I know it will be tough, I know. I think I need to come up with some sort of incentive. A negative one. I don’t deserve any reward if I can do it. But I should come up with something so that the number of times I complain I have to do something that many times. I’ll think of something. It’s gonna be hard and I’ll have to constantly be thinking about it or else I’ll slip. So we shall see how that turns out. I’ll let y’all know.

Oh. By the way, if you’re a fan of country, check out Jason Aldean’s newest album release called “Night Train” UH-mazing. Especially the song “Night Train”. He is quite the artist. I’ve literally listened to it so many times. That’ll be playing throughout our apartment for the next two weeks or so. So, so good. Okay I’m off. Sorry about the rant about English. I can’t help it. But just know the impact and power that both your words and your silence have. Have a good rest of the day/night/whatever time it is. 

First Breath of Change

            There comes a point in your life, or maybe you won’t have one, or maybe it hasn’t happened yet, when you ask yourself “where am I going with my life? And am I happy with who I am becoming?” and if your answer is I don’t know or no, that’s when you realize that you need to make a big change in your life. I don’t know where I’m going with my life right now, I know where I want to go, but I feel like I’ve gotten off track a bit. And I’m satisfied with who I am becoming, because it’s not all bad, it’s just not where I want it to be. I want to be overjoyed with who I am becoming, not just satisfied. I don’t know where or when, but somewhere on this path of my life I lost sight of what is important to me. I lost faith in myself and faith in one too many things. And I guess in that way, I’m not as upset at what happened, because it had to take something for me to finally take a look at my life and realize that it’s not what I want to be doing with it. I said before that I hit the bottom and there was nothing I could do to get myself back up to the top. Well I’ve finally found a path that will get me there. And when I said before that I was at the top and jumped off, I think the whole time I was really already falling and just had a false sense of security. So despite all of this, all of this mess that I’ve made, the good news is I can turn it around. And I don’t have to do it alone. I’m gonna be honest, it’s been quite awhile since I had been to church. Or even youth group or anything. But I went today, and I felt like I had never left. Its amazing how welcoming it can feel. I think it was a good decision to go, and something that I can continue to do. Lately I’ve been thinking so much, more than I’ve ever thought about, and it’s not about the things I should be thinking about right now. It’s also hard because my friends and I are all going through rough times right now, but theirs aren’t so much their fault whereas mine is and that just makes me feel worse about myself. But I also know who I am and what I want, I just got way too off track and now that I’ve finally been hit with that fact, now I can make myself better. I can finally, finally breathe again. First breath of change. And I have hope and things to look forward to. I look forward to being who I want to be. It actually makes me excited. For the first time in what feels like forever I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

                     Oh, and the Cougs...well rough. And the Cowboys...well rough. And the Seahawks...yes. That's what I like to hear. 

            

What Just Happened

            Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with my friends and getting crazy and having a blast. I love it. The hardest part, though, is when you come back to reality that you can’t always be having a good time with your friends, and you once again realize that your world isn’t perfect. Not that you ever thought it was, but when you’re in those moments with friends you sometimes forget what’s going on outside of what you’re doing. Which is great, because you should always live in the moments like that. It just makes it really hard when you come down from that high and happiness, you sometimes feel worse then you did to start with.

            You’re probably like oh my GOSH Sydney stop talking about depressing things. I’m sorry I’m sorry! I tend to just write what I’m feeling. Not always, but I have been a lot more lately just because my English professor said that’s where the best stories come from. If you work on just writing exactly what is going through your head then it makes it easier when you are trying to write something in particular. So I’m working on that. Hang in there, hopefully my life will turn around a little at some point and I will have more happy things to talk about. I’m just in a rut right now. And it sucks. And what’s worse now is because of me people or persons are acting different then I ever expected. I’ll give you a word of advice, if someone hurts you, it doesn’t help to hurt them back. Karma will take care of it. So now I’m more hurt. And not really sure what I should do now. I thought I knew. Now I don’t. I know what I want but I cant let myself be treated like that, regardless of what happened. Ugh it just sucks.

            Well today is Cougar football Saturday finally. I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve gone to a game. And last time I went it was super hot out. So this game should be interesting. Apparently we’re supposed to “rally” again tonight but I’m not sure how well that’ll go over since all of us are dying a little inside but we shall see. I’d like to rally but I just don’t know if that’s possible. Oh the things that happened last night. So. Much. Fun. A little blurry. But fun. I literally inhaled a pizza though. I haven’t eaten a ton this week just because I’ve been super stressed but I think I made up for that last night. Also watched Happy Gilmore. Fantastic movie. Oh and it rained last night. Like freaking poured. Woke up and my hair was still wet from it. It was crazy. So much fun. I love the rain. And the pictures…oh we took so many. So many funny ones. It really was an almost all around great night. I love Pullman. And now I’m gonna go get some free shit from a Victoria secret party. Fun stuff.

            Go Cougs. 

The Perfect Moment

            I know you all love it when you find that perfect song for the day/the moment/how you’re feeling. But have you ever experienced that day when EVERY song is just right? There’s not a single one that you don’t love and just want to dance to or sing along with or just sit there and enjoy it? Well that’s my day today. Yesterday I found a song that was absolutely perfect for how I was feeling, but today I am just loving every single one of them. Why, you might ask. I have no idea. This morning when Maggie left for school and I had an hour to do nothing, I decided to turn on my everything playlist on spotify and every song that came on either had me on my feet dancing or screaming out the words or just laying listening to them. I haven’t been in that good of a mood for what feels like a long time, and while I know it wasn’t going to last, for that moment and that hour of time, it was exactly what I needed. I felt like a little kid dancing in my room again. It gave me so much energy and spirit. I really just felt like it was the perfect moment for me. And sometimes you just need those. Because of those moments you know someone special up there is looking out for you, trying to cheer you up. It’s moments like those that helps me remember that no matter what happens, things will be alright.

            I enjoy looking for quotes that fit me or will make me feel better in whatever is going on in my life. I like to write, myself, because it’s like me quoting me on how I’m feeling, but occasionally things that other people say seem to fit you better. There’s this quote I found and it goes “It’s hard to wait for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” I feel like that fits me right now.

            On a less serious note: it’s Cougar Football Weekend! We play Cal tomorrow here at home and it’s a night game! So needless to say I’m rather excited for it. Tonight I’m going out with a bunch of friends. We call ourselves the blonde mafia since there’s five of us going out that are all blondes. I’m pretty excited to just get out and be happy and enjoy the weekend. I’ll still have some things on my mind but I’m going to try to set those aside and just live in the moment for the weekend and have fun. I want to sing, dance, laugh, and make great memories with my friends. That’s what I intend to do.

            Here’s a list (I love lists remember?) of the last songs that I’ve been listening to. Or just go to my “new music” playlist in spotify if you have it.

·        Dancing in the moonlight- Toploader

·        Everything you want- vertical horizon

·        God gave me you- blake Shelton

·        I try- macy gray

·        Tonight is the night- outasight

·        Swing swing- all American rejects

·        What’s my age again?- Blink-182

·        Dare you to move- switchfoot

·        Stand by me –Ben E. king

And the whole playlist is great, in my opinion obviously because I made it. So if you need to cheer up or just want to have a good time, close the curtains, actually just leave them open, if other people mind your dancing then they can go f…, they can just go away, crank up the music, sing along, and dance around. Trust me, it works. Have a good weekend errrybody. 

Find What You're Looking For

            So I got this email today from someone that I really do not even know well, but I know her a little. Anyways she really got my brain going. She told me that I should look into applying to Sarah Lawrence College. If you don’t know what or where that is, it is a liberal arts college in Bronxville, NY. Kind of a long ways away. But I looked it up anyways, holy cow tuition is expensive there, but when I calculated everything with financial aid and scholarships, I would actually be paying less to go there, loan-wise, give or take some from living expenses which would obviously be higher there than here. I also looked into their studies and majors, they have so many different types of classes for writing and literature. It’s crazy. It is very competitive to get in there, but I figure with really good recommendation letters, and a really good analysis paper, who knows, anything is possible. And then I started thinking bigger. Like say, Columbia. They have a great journalism school. Super tough to get into, but who knows, I could go to their college of arts for my graduate school. I really like it here in Washington, but over there I feel like could give a lot of opportunities for careers or internships. My eyes have just been opened to how big (and far) I can go. It’s crazy. I never would have even thought about any of that if the information hadn’t been suggested to me. So who knows where I’ll go. I kinda like it here, though, for now. But we shall see.

            I think a lot throughout the day. Like I have this non stop running monologue going through my head, whether it is about what I’m doing at the moment or just what’s going through my head. A lot of times I wish I just had something that would type it all out as I’m thinking about it so I can look at it later, but that invention may never exist. But I do have a notepad that I’ll write on when I think I have something break-through that I just have to write. My professor told me it helps to have one when you’re a writer. Plus our next assignment is “to write our deepest, darkest secret. The one that dismantles us the most. And make a creative non fiction piece out of it.” Literally. And I have two that I’ve been deciding between. One isn’t so much a secret, but it’s constantly there and I think about it a lot. And the other, there is only one other person in this world who knows about it. And the thing is, it should affect me more than it does. But it just kind of is what it is, it happened but it was a long time ago so I’m kind of over it. Where as the other one, is kind of ongoing my whole life, and my professor said if it is something that has happened more recently, then you wont be able to write about it properly because you haven’t been apart from it enough to take yourself out of it and write about it unbiased. Or mostly unbiased. So we’ll see what I write about.

            But anyways, here’s what I wrote today on my notepad:

            Everything I do, literally everything, I associate with you. I think about you. But now it’s not in the same context. It’s not associated with happy now but sad. And I cannot physically, or mentally do anything about it. And the tough part? I caused this. I’m the reason that I’m feeling this way. So I cant even feel bad for myself. I have hit the bottom. Rock fucking bottom. And I’ll tell ya, it ain’t too great. The good part? All you can do is go up from here. The worse part? I can’t even go up right now. So I’m just stuck here. Its cold. Its dark. And its lonely. I’ve been trying to pick through my mind to figure out why this happened. Well I know a factor or two. But I also know regardless of the factors there was no meaning behind it. Which I personally feel better about. Knowing that. But it doesn’t change anything in terms of what it is. But then again, I’m still at the bottom. Literally went from the highest top that you can get to. And I wish I could say I fell, but I got a running start and jumped straight off. No one was there to stop me. And absolutely no one wanted to catch me. I wouldn’t have caught me either. But what is said and done is said and done. I cannot do anything now. But I listened to this song today and it made me feel better so I’ll write some lyrics of it. Writing always makes me feel better, but sometimes nothing is better than a song that fits the moment perfectly.

            “I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them. And we help them in return. Now I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today, because I knew you.

            “It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, So much of me, is made from what I learned from you. You’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.”

            I just like that song an awful lot, and it seems to fit right now. Oh and I dyed my hair. So there’s that. With time, comes change. Whether we cause that change or not. It’s going to happen and we can’t stop it. Life goes on. We make mistakes, we learn from them. (Just try to learn from them the first time, it helps ;) )

            So fall is here. Enjoy it. Spend time with friends and family. Have a blast. It’s one of the best times of the year, in my opinion. Besides my birthday, of course. Pumpkins, leaves, Halloween, scary movies. I love it!

            Just remember, if something is bringing you down, just try try try to find the positive in it. Even if it seems like there aren’t any. You’ll find what you’re looking for. 

Well

            Well, well, well. Here’s what I have to say about that:

            

             A whole lot of nothing. Rendered speechless. That’s a first for miss Sydney-talks-a-lot. No. That’s not true. I do have a lot to say. The problem with words is, you can use as few or as many as you’d like, but unless you put action behind your words they are meaningless. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely been putting some actions down, but probably not the right ones. And I’m not talking like words in a story because there can be lots of meanings behind those. I haven’t been doing well at writing stories though lately. I’m talking about words that come out of your mouth, or out of your head on to paper like this (well this is a screen, but you know what I mean). I am great with my words. I know all the right ones to say. No, that’s a lie. I’m alright with words. I just need to follow through more. Like in volleyball, if you don’t follow through with you hits, they won’t go where they need to go. We’re not talking about volleyball. What are we talking about? I’m the only one talking here actually. Who’s listening? Who knows. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have a filter, or could just turn it on and off so that I could just write exactly what I want and not care what people will think about it. I do it sometimes, but rarely. I mentally edit myself a LOT. So it’s back to this. What do we have? What do we know? How are we going to use that to make a situation better? The haves: I have a great support system. Family, friends. And, well, we know that I am set on the words. I got the words down. It’s the actions that need to be worked on. How am I going to use this information to make a situation better? Alright, that’s the tough part. The follow-through. I gotta push myself to do the right thing and make good choices. Everybody has their bad choices. Impaired judgment on certain situations. It happens, life goes on, we all get through it, time heels all wounds. All a dose clichés. Yes, in my head I’m talking in an accent right now and filtering it so it’s not an accent in my writing. But can I learn from this? We shall see. This too, shall pass. Am I right? Gosh I hope so. There’s so much more that I want to say but I can’t. Actually I won’t. I physically will not let myself do that. Y’all would think I’m even crazier than I am, believe it or not. So I’ll stop with all the philosophical stuff right meow.

            Well I’m in need of some serious busy work to keep me stable. My room is a disaster. Someone slept in my bed…who? I don’t know I haven’t found out yet. I have clothes all over the place. It’s a wreck. So there’s that. I gots lots of homework to do. Or that I can do. Not that I necessarily need to do it all yet. But I probably will. I need the gym. I like to work out my problems there, (pun intended). And I need some good ol’ Ben and Jerry’s. Yum yum. Okay so this is how bad my memory is getting. This might be TMI but I’m going to share anyways. The other day, I was in the bathroom because I had to use it, obviously, but then I left, for one reason or another, came back and started to brush my teeth. Mid-brushing, I literally could not remember if I had actually gone to the bathroom yet. I had to ask myself. I think I’m going more and more crazy everyday. I’m so going to be that lady with all of the cats when I’m older. Just me by muhself with muh cats. Gosh darn it Joseph. She freaking got me into talking with an accent and I literally cannot stop. What are you going to do about it? I think I need a nap.

            Word of advice: don’t fall in love, and if you do…well I salute you sir and good luck with that.

            Night night. I’m outta hurr. 

A Try At It

            Weirdest thing ever. First of all, you may notice that I’m blogging more now. I just missed it and I feel like I’ve had a lot more to talk about lately. Which is good. Anyways. Back to the weird thing. So yesterday, a friend of mine, not close, but a friend, just got engaged to his girlfriend of I don’t even know how long exactly. So I told Maggie about it and then we both started talking about how soon that’s going to be people our age and our friends who are getting engaged. Not even a day later, (today), two of our good friends who have been together since the beginning of high school announced that they were engaged! Gosh we must be psychic or something. But it’s crazy! I mean I’ve known a ton of people who gotten engaged and married, even young. When it happens to your friends, though, that’s when it really hits you. We’re all growing up so fast. Soon almost everyone will be getting engaged and married, and going into their careers, and eventually having families. It’s truly crazy how fast life goes. I mean I was just talking about it in my last blog. I’m so happy for them and I wish them the very best, and I better be invited to the wedding because I just love weddings. Love ‘em! And then Maggie and I started talking about who was going to be the first of our friends to get knocked up. We had a mutual vote for Rachel. So Rachel, if you’re reading this. We want pretty red headed blue eyed babies ASAP! Thanks.

          Now for those of you who know me, which I’m assuming anyone reading this knows me. You probably have heard me say once, or twice, or about a million times that I have short term memory loss. You probably have heard me say once, or twice or two million times that I have short term memory loss…okay it’s not that bad. But really I have one of the worst memories I know of anyone my age. Its straight up turrable. I have to write my homework down in my notebooks, in a planner, in my phone, and sometimes on my hand just so I can remember it all. And I usually forget some of it. So that is why when in one of my English classes, I was asked to write a creative non-fiction mini memoir type thing of a memory from before I was ten years old. Are you kidding me, sir? I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast this morning and you expect THAT out of me? Lawd help us all if Sydney has to remember things from before she was ten. Okay, so I do recall memories from my childhood. It’s not like I was just blacked out the whole time. I actually remember a lot. Just not in full detail. Like one of my uncles, he’s a freaking whiz in all things pretty much. He can remember everything. Little details and all. I wish I had like a tenth of that memory. Anyways, so I picked one memory that I do remember. It’s kind of embarrassing but I’m putting it on here, Mommy, so that you can read it. Don’t make fun of me if I didn’t get it all right. I was kind of just guessing on some parts of it but most of it is truly how I remember it.

·         

We walk up the stairs in between the two buildings; one, a rusty and fading brick, and the other a small white portable building that is to be my classroom. I feel my little fingers getting sweaty, intertwined with hers. I can hear my heart beating, pulsating as if it’s going to climb out of my chest and attack me; which I wouldn’t mind at this point, so long as I do not have to go into that classroom. My mother pulls my arm up the three cracked cement stairs, guarded by rusting iron rails on either side. In a split second I am launched on my behind, grasping the pole for dear life before I even realize what I am doing, I just know that, more than anything, I don’t want to go in there. She tries to grab my hand and sternly tells me to get up, using my middle name I know that she means business. I won’t do it. I clutch the pole so tightly my fingers turn red, then white, in a death grip that not even a mother can undo. I start crying; the tears flowing across my face and I know my eyes are turning pink and red, the way they always do when I cry. She tries to pull me again, begging me to go in. I start screaming. I feel like I’m swallowing piece after piece of sandpaper as each scream comes from deep within me. My mother would refer to this as “screaming bloody murder” although I’m not exactly sure what that means. I don’t want to go in. I won’t. The lady standing just in the doorway of the classroom, my teacher I’m assuming, is staring with a horrified expression knowing that there’s nothing she can say to calm me at this point. My mother kneels down and looks straight into my eyes, and sincerely asks me if I will go in if she comes in with me. My screaming and crying cease, but my breaths are still short and hurried as a result. I nod my head, remove my now cramped fingers and arms from the cold rusty pole and grab her hand once again, squeezing it how I do when I’m at the doctor’s office about to get a shot. My heart is still pounding, even more excessive because of my crying and screaming; I stand up and rub my eyes roughly, trying and failing to reduce the puffy redness that I have caused. I cannot cry now, or else all of these other kids will see me and laugh. 
We step through the threshold of the red door connecting us from what is awaiting. I look around the classroom and it is big. There are lots of colors and boxes with different toys in them. There are books everywhere. And a kid, just like me, at every desk but one. My teacher, an older woman with graying hair, my mother, with her fluffy silky hair all dressed up for work, and myself walk near the back of the classroom to the table in which my desk is connected. It has my name on it. I smile a little and my heart beat slows down a notch. This is my desk. Mine only. Not my mother’s, not my big brother’s, but mine. I am the only one who gets to sit here every day. Except on Saturdays and Sundays. Those days neither me or my brother will be at school. That’s what I was told anyways. I sit down, my teacher strolls over to another student at their very own desk. My mother crouches down next to me. She holds my hand still and asks me if I am okay with her leaving. My heart starts to race again at the thought of being left in this big classroom all by myself. No. She can’t leave me. So she stays. I know she’ll be late to work, she knows, but she stays anyways and I love her for that. This isn’t so bad anymore. I think I can do this. On my own. I fold my little hands together and lay them on the cold, cream colored desk with my name written in six different colors. Red, green, blue, orange, yellow, and purple. My name. My desk. My mother asks me again a little after if I am okay if she leaves. I know she has to but I hesitate. I nod and say yes. And with that she kisses me and then she’s gone. And here I am, on my own in kindergarten, in my very own desk.

          Well that’s how I remember it. I don’t know if it was all accurate but I did the best I could. I was only five for crying out loud (pun intended). I think I like this whole creative non fiction writing better than just fiction. It’s easier because it’s true, you don’t have to make up every single little detail in your head because all those details were right there in front of you. I enjoy it. I hope I write more of it. This was my first try at it so it’s not that great. Hopefully I’ll improve.

          And now I’m going to go to bed because it is way too late and I am exhausted. Night y’all. Have a good day tomorrow and crossing my fingers for more engagements to hear about soon! It’s just so exciting. I love it. Okay goodnight now.